These past 2 months I have been online just doing job hunt and
updating sparingly... I really feel there's nothing for me to say... so
angry at it all. There is no answer to the big why's... and I hate Dee
did not get her MaW experience in Sept because I wanted her to see/enjoy
Xmas... I still don't understand what went wrong, why... if she
surrendered... if she was tired of it all... if we made a mistake... The
images of everything that went on keep playing in my head and it just
makes me angrier... She was not suffering, she was having the best days
of her life... just when she started the hippotherapy... just when her
school therapists had agreed on a big plan to make things move... so
many plans and surprises... the halloween extravanganza we had
planned... Ugh! It all just a thought now... And by now people just
expect us to move on and stop moping about our loss...
Our families had
no empathy whatsoever towards all. It has been very cruel... very
disapointing... I try to think of a big purpose for this, all I see is
the big waste of beautiful possibilities... no K graduation... no art
lessons... no senior prom, no HS graduation... All I wanted was just HS
graduation. I really hoped she would get to see part of the world,
experience school, had a sweet sixteen... Waking up is torture as there
is silence... No sounds of her being annoyed, no breathing sounds while
she sleeps... 2012 was the end of my world, for real. Dee was my
world... my everything. Kali is there, but she is more Daddy's girl. Dee
was mommy's girl... She was almost my clone. She really was an
extension of myself... she shared my interests and dreams, and that was
simply enthralling and amazing. Knowing that she wanted to be an
animator artist blew my mind. I expected to be the wind beneath her
wings, and what a blast we were going to have!
No one around us understands, and it is consuming us. We
are expected to get a job, a house, move away and live... by the way, do
something about the 2 year old that is out of control because you two
are lousy parents. That's what we have been facing all this time. We
have been swallowing hard, taking it all silently as what else can we
do? We are staying as guests in a house that does not want us and
there's nothing we can do until work arrives... We made a big mistake
leaving NJ as we did... but how could we know? All we were thinking was
bring Dee home...
We had to move back... no real
reason to stay in NJ by then... now we see we ignored a big fact: 5
years is a long time and NJ had become our home. It was were Kali was
born. And although we were in an endless fight advocating for Dee, it
was in NJ that we met real friends. Everything here seems so petty...
family feuds, personal issues between everyone because of politics... no
respect whatsoever... it is what you have in terms of glitter and gold,
not values and faith. We feel hurt because we found out the hard way
that we lived in beauty and we did not even know it. Now... what to do...
The pain is unbearable, the unfairness of this loss left us speechless and without direction. We really have no plan now... we planned everything, but we never thought of loosing Dee as it happened... we never thought of a life without her. We never thought life could go on after her. And that's exactly it... There is no life after Dee... No happiness. No dreams. She was my precious and now she's gone, and the emptyness is overwhelming, and nothing else matters... I'm trying not to sink in desperation and anguish, but in my silence I feel the deepest of sorrows and see everything as pointless. I cannot help it...
It has been 2 months since Dee died, and only two people actually talk about it: her dad and her godfather. There's no one else who talks about her, or mourns her this way... For the family she was always a ghost... Maybe She Whom Shall Be Kept. The reality of her passing is not real for them. And friends... What friends? It has been a lonely road. Why talk about all this anger and frustration and hopelessness when the world keeps going and it is just the same speech all over for everyone else... In my silence I scream her name. In my silence I wish for my little star, my North, my inspiration, my greatest love, my life. At nights there are not enough tears... And I ask for answers in dreams and there are no dreams... I am going insane with this absence of answers... I am going insane not knowing... not knowing why... not knowing if she's happy now... I need to know. I need to know so badly... Are you happy, my angel? Are you well, my love?
I miss you. I need you. I love you.
2012. The end of the world... as we know it... That did not happen... Just the end of my world.
