A visit...

Steve came to bring me dinner… And it ended up bad. Me crying, he screaming at me… Then the silent stillness… And he goes… It is so easy for him now, just running away from me… running away from us… What’s the purpose of his visits? Doesn’t he see or feel the pain they bring me? It’s cruel. It’s heartless. I feel stabbed and left to bleed each time he opens the door and goes away. Does he think of me when he’s out there? Does he actually try to view how to make things right? Does he actually believe we will be together? No. The answer to everything is no. No love. No belief. Nothing.

Song of silence

Monday, Tuesday... now Wednesday. I will go work tomorrow, have enough of this walls and need to do something more active or I'll keep on diggin my grave. I miss Sti. I miss him badly. I miss his voice, his anoying habits, his presence... I do love him. I guess I needed thi to rhink hard about that fact. He doesnt trust that G is gone for good within me, because he says I have said the same before. And he still says he cant come back, that he doesnt feel this is his home, that he doesnt feel the love he should feel for me. He says there is not another woman. He says he wants to take it really slow, try being friends for a while, try going out perhaps, give it time...

Easier said than done. It is not a choice for me, but it is not like I am given any options after all. I browsed the picture albums and laughed and cried. So many years together cannot go to waste. We make good music together, its just that the bad is sometimes what seems to scream "look at me"... Even if the good has been blissful.

My intentions are true... But he wont take me in. He wont come back.

I lost everything again, thanks to G.

Everything.

Song or sorrow

Sti left. He took some stuff and left. No words I could say would make him stay. No words... Seeing how it hurt me, how it broke me, how desperate my eyes screamed to him to stay... was not enough... He loves me, just not as I want... Same words heard a long time ago, by my Knight of the White Rose.

I feel shaken and sad. Maria passed by and I talked and talked and talked... About Gil, about Alex, about Sti, about the wedding, about the house... About this big emptyness inside of me... About love...

I lost Sti tonight, forever. I just know. The same as Alex. And just because of Gil. Because of someone who I hate so much right now. He took my lovers, he took my happiness, he took my life, he took my love... He's left me with nothing more than pain and distress. He's left me alone, destroyed. Satisfyed?

Endings

It is over. These 15 years of my blind obsession with True Love and Gilberto are over. He has done anything but prove he loves me. He calls me mad, insane... He has always put me down, diminished me, disrespected me, devaluate me... He has never fought for an us, all he did was take from me what he could. While I cried, he laughed. While I waited for him, he danced with others, and loved others, and bedded others. While I gave him truth and faith, he gave me lies and deceit. WHile I gave him time, patience, candidness... He had no time for me, no patience, nothing. 15 years that comes to a full circle, leaving me empty in body and spirit. 15 years I fought for a ghost of what my dreams wanted... 15 years of wasted opportunities for being happy... Because of him I didnt get married. Because of him I lost Alex. Because of him I am sick forever. Because of him I will never be the same... Because of him, I lost my faith in love. Because of him, I cry bitterly for so long... Because of him I probably lost my best friend tonight. Because of him...

And at all this, he laughs... He thinks of me? No. He feels sorry? No. He wants to be with me? No. He loves me? No. He wants me, he needs me, but there aint any way he can love me... He has friends. He has a life of his own in which I dont fit in. He never intended to include me in his life. He just keeps a vendetta to make me feel miserable, to prove he has power over me, to destroy me for a betrayal that never happenned... that is only in his mind... that is the greatest lie he believes...

It must end. It is killing me as a whole, not just spirit... And this cannot go on. 15 years are more than enough to wait... I cannot let my entire youth pass by just because I see glimpses of a beautiful life with him. Glimpses are not enough. He has no commitment to me. He has no intention of trusting me. He cannot keep his promises, no matter how small they are. It must end.

It will end now.

And so, I reap him from my soul... a carcass that held on and was in the end a mirage of love... a devourer of souls... My killer.

I did all I could. I gave all I had. I dreamed taking him along with all my dreams. I hoped, endlessly and fiercely. I kept faith even if he derved none. I loved him... with all I was... with heart, body and soul... I loved him. But he never loved me... Never.

So it ends... my Beast... A false dream that guided my will for so long, as nothing else could ever do... A mirage that fueled my illusions and feelings...

I am not a child anymore. The game ends. With it, my will... my soul...

I loved.

Simple promises just cannot be kept, can they? A simple call, a simple visit, a simple smile or hug... Simple pleasures that defines the stepping stones of human emotions, of trust and loyalty and caring...Simple things, simple details... And yet oh so difficult to give from the heart of those u know, and so easy from the hearts of strangers... The irony of it!

Foolish enough to write candid words, foolish enough to give a fair and honest I do because it is real, because it stirs every corner of my being... And mocked... Mocked as I have been mocked my whole life... Mocked, betrayed, laughed at, deceived... I think of death and I think of release... Release from this world of tainted hearts and wills, tainted thoughts and actions, tainted desires and dreams... The world rejoices on injustice, feeds of pain and end of innocense... And I am asked by the good that lives within me to go on, to believe, to keep hope... But theres nothing, in truth...

My perfect prince was layed out before my eyes when I was so young, and then I met him. And the coincidence that triggered magic was a movie with the same simple title that kept another story... a longer one... a beautiful one... layed out in tv... Beauty and the Beast. My Beast... Ugly and misunderstood by so many, yet lovely and thoughtful and a knight for me. My Beast. How lovely the ages that passed under your captivity, within the cold walls of your castle. How lovely your stealthful lies, your shining weapons that draw blood, how lovely your cruelty when you loved!

Though lovers may be lost
Love shall not.
Death shall have no domain.

Ch 13 Cry for Dawn!

Lets see the latest wherabouts of those I care for most...

Tril... He used to have no work, always going as a pawn of his friends... Now, he has "work"... His best friends hired him officially as a rock band rodie and he installs and uninstalls all the equipment wherever they go... Good, he gets paid. Bad, this is a new excuse to avoid placing me at a nice first place. If I call he's always on the go... So its not a long conversation... If I truly say I need a favor it all depends on his working hours... If I need a friend, he just vanishes. Kaput. I call. He says he'll call... but he doesnt. Ever. Days pass by, and he might actually attempt to dial... after 2 weeks of me not calling... and he calls to say "why havent you called". And, top with cherry... He says he loves me...

Grundel... Now he's spreading the allmighty words of his going away from PR, because now he wants to study at CUE Orlando, and get a job in Fl, and live happily ever after over there... Because PR is trash, you know... Nothing here worth keeping, worth staying. He reluctantly accepted his old job (he better because he was not studying or looking for a job!), and he says that he'll transfer to Fl by the end of the year... So, it's going byebye by December. Ok... Besides that, the now continuous surge of calls to/from his cousin, and the things I keep buried in my memory is plain sick. And his asking for a medicine that he aint using because there is no hopping with me also makes me think that, hey, he's getting his sugar elsewhere right here and of course is not telling... Is he really visiting just his mother, or a friend in need over in his old home-area... Paranoid, and even jealous... I can still feel that way... I see that he definitively has no ties left for me, for the old idea of marrying me, for the old idea of trying to woe me which he never really accomplished... He didnt even try... he vacation getaway was just a friendly exploit with nothing else involved, no conversations, no trying romance, just childish fun. So... Love is dead between us, I see... He wants to move on, in the States, away from me and from PR shit as he calls it... And it hurts, because I guess that in a way I always envisioned him at my side as a companion... Another stupid idea of mine... I'll say nothing else on that matter. I'll just let go of him. If I get the house I'll move back to my aunt's during the time I remodel, so I have the money to do so. He can go live with his mother since lately they are so close... or do whatever... I have done more than I should have, and his view of things is that I want to control him and his life... So be it. I'm in no humor for the control speech... Im too old and too tired for that...

I wish that someone new would appear, sweep me off my feet and make me move on from this two... Someone with whom I had no background, who would appreciate me for everything I am, who would prove me cavaliers still exist... But where in hell will I find such a mate? They are all extinct. I am to grow old alone... Surrounded by kitties... Alone, bitter... My fate...

Ch 12 Remember Corinthinans 1, 1-13

Yesterday was Tril free day, and he didn’t even call. He knew I was sick, but I guess he had more important things at hand…

On Sat I called him and he was busy and said he’ll call back… he didn’t.

On Fri I tried to get a hold of him so he would drive me to the doc. His first reaction was a blunt I have work at 4. It made a knot in my throat. Then he said a reluctant ok… I called the doc and since she was not there I told him to forget about it when he called back… He said he would call me at night… He didn’t.

Is there a trend here? Is it me, or is it a fact? I mean, I can understand his “you live with another man” issue, but I’ve been calling him because I had noone else to help me and he shuts himself out of the situation… Not even calling to see if I’m fine… And he dares to say he loves me…

Love is not selfish… and it does not thrive on hurting so easily…



If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong
or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.

So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

-Corinthians 1, 1-13

Return of a Jedi?

On Sun went to see Tril, and incredibly it was lovely. No fights. Took him on Mon to get some stuff, and he got me 2 books. Tue & Wed he called me up. So far, so good. No fights on 4 days, thats an improvement. We'll see... I am sick and cant do much right now... gotta rest.