No words can tell the complete tale. No words can summarize events and feelings and actions and consequences... But among all the images a blink can create, this is just one of them. A glimpse into my darkness...
It oppresses my heart, and it feels as if something squeezes my throat as it won’t let go ever… and it just wants to take me into its oblivion. Not in control, always the target, the victim… powerless to do anything, shamed, bruised, hurt, submitted… I see the child, the young woman, the adult… How the wheel turns around, always going in the same direction, never stopping, always maiming who I am, who I dreamt I could be. No family. No friends. No love. It squeezes my throat and as I close my eyes a dagger plunges into my heart over, and over, and over… It doesn’t go away. It stands over me, as I lay in the floor, blood quenching the thirst from the earth. It watches as light goes out from my eyes, as I become dull and feel no more… waiting to actually destroy that sweet idea of death… It bears many faces, speaks with many voices… It takes me at will, reaping what is left of a bleeding heart, devouring half of it with its sharp teeth then pushing the remains into my mouth, into my throat so I gag with it. Have a heart. Eat it. Let it take your last breath, bitch.
One of so many images… Lovely movies that turn as It wants to provoke my rage and my wrath… which are irrational and deadly. It is a second of loss, a glitch, a portal to many lives past that merge into one image that pretends to take the place of the present. It had so many plans for me… Nevermore.
A hex that comes and takes many things with it… It has always been so… I won’t let you do so anymore. I won’t let you, all of you. Try it, keep trying, harder, meaner, throw all the Evil you have at me… Go ahead. Break me. Try it. I am not the useless weakling you knew once. And I have many ways of proving it. All you can get are some old tears, and all you can do to me is create pity within me. Enjoy my sadness, as it is all I can give you. As it is all you will take from me. Beware. I will battle you all to death as I know I will win. Try me. You will stop this game, you will stop the play, you will stop once and for all. Do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
...
And now back to present and forever...
10-4
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Nothing Really Matters
When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light
You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
-Madonna, Nothing really matters
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light
You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
-Madonna, Nothing really matters
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
6 months to go...
Frustrated about the burocracy of the Catholic Church… I have never been so sure and certain about something in my entire life, and now it’s a matter of dancing to the beat of stupid people that actually think that we are clueless younglings… And it is all simply annoying. I know things will work out in the end, yadda yadda… but I guess it’s the being so used to everything conspiring against what I want that makes me feel so… at loss… If it weren’t for my beliefs I would simply go ahead with the civil marriage, after all it is done the instant you want it… period. Why the Church make everything so complicated? So hard? Then they wonder why so few are actually getting married… why the “living together” rate is so high… Ugh! Gotta remember that good things come to those who wait… And I know… This is all supposed to be a time for more spiritual-level arousing, so it actually has a meaning in the religious context… It’s just that so many people marry for the wrong reasons… And we just want to do it for all the right ones. I hope that the priest sees that on Saturday… I hope it all stops looking so “fruitless”in a way… People have told me that I should simply do a Christian thing, that catholics are stuck ups… or go civilian… But that would not make any sense for me. I am a masochist. I like the structure and ceremony of catholic rituals. It is what I know from my whole life, and what feels right for me. Anyone marry civilian way, or live together. God has been kind with me, giving me a gift that always was and always will be. It makes perfect sense that we take the time to make a ceremony that involves depth and meaning, actually making Him part of it all. We have already gone through much high tides to get where we are. A small tide is not that challenging when they are both compared. Step by step… It would be easy if I were not so impatient…
Well… Six months from now should translate to enough time to have light, put a cistern, paint, clean, move the furniture, get basic stuff and kitty proof the upper floor… on my side… and taking the necessary courses and to make certain things about the girl and the oni are clear, on his side... plus taking the couple course and making all preparations on both sides. Viewing things without emotion, six months is just the right amount of time for all that… especially viewing that the weekends are flying away pretty fast due to so many things to do & so little time… So I should stop my whining… Just pass the priest approval and get over with each task ahead. There are plenty of things to keep us pretty busy after all. Stress levels for just 3 months can be killer. So the mental notes are: relax, release, and don’t be in such a rush. It will all turn out well.
Anyway…
Feeling: Excited, elated, loved, happy, thoughtful, introspective, humbled, blessed
Needing: Patience, rest, drive to initiate some things
Wanting: All that shiny stuff, better job that I really like
Having: True Love, sanity, faith, hope, peace, happiness, true friends
10-4
Well… Six months from now should translate to enough time to have light, put a cistern, paint, clean, move the furniture, get basic stuff and kitty proof the upper floor… on my side… and taking the necessary courses and to make certain things about the girl and the oni are clear, on his side... plus taking the couple course and making all preparations on both sides. Viewing things without emotion, six months is just the right amount of time for all that… especially viewing that the weekends are flying away pretty fast due to so many things to do & so little time… So I should stop my whining… Just pass the priest approval and get over with each task ahead. There are plenty of things to keep us pretty busy after all. Stress levels for just 3 months can be killer. So the mental notes are: relax, release, and don’t be in such a rush. It will all turn out well.
Anyway…
Feeling: Excited, elated, loved, happy, thoughtful, introspective, humbled, blessed
Needing: Patience, rest, drive to initiate some things
Wanting: All that shiny stuff, better job that I really like
Having: True Love, sanity, faith, hope, peace, happiness, true friends
10-4
Sunday, September 03, 2006
More reasons, if you were in doubt...
And at night, when I finally reached my lover... a phone call. I made the big mistake of answering... Gilberto. The show goes on.
This time he was broken down in tears, saying he was going insane... that he wanted to be with me forever, that I am the one, that he waited all this time for me, that he loves me, yadda yadda. HE asks again that I don't leave him alone... and a knot forms in my throat, and tears crystallize in my eyes...
I waited more than 15 years, and now that I decide to live under another man's skin THEN he shows up... throwing himself at my feet, asking me to give away this love and go to him just because we are bound to be forever one...
A month ago I might have been moved...
Not today.
I didnt even get out of the room, and so Anthony listened to the whole conversation. I simply kept answering... I can't, I won't, It's late... I'm sorry but I can't... And the final I love him that made him hang up.
Why I was a bitchy ice queen? He deserves no emotions from me, really... When I hanged up I cried... Anthony held me in his arms, lending me his strenght once more.
Hurt, mad, angry... Unbelievable.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people.
This time he was broken down in tears, saying he was going insane... that he wanted to be with me forever, that I am the one, that he waited all this time for me, that he loves me, yadda yadda. HE asks again that I don't leave him alone... and a knot forms in my throat, and tears crystallize in my eyes...
I waited more than 15 years, and now that I decide to live under another man's skin THEN he shows up... throwing himself at my feet, asking me to give away this love and go to him just because we are bound to be forever one...
A month ago I might have been moved...
Not today.
I didnt even get out of the room, and so Anthony listened to the whole conversation. I simply kept answering... I can't, I won't, It's late... I'm sorry but I can't... And the final I love him that made him hang up.
Why I was a bitchy ice queen? He deserves no emotions from me, really... When I hanged up I cried... Anthony held me in his arms, lending me his strenght once more.
Hurt, mad, angry... Unbelievable.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people.
Reasons to get pissed
Today found out some certain things that makes me angry... but that do not matter anymore...
About Steve.
His friend from VolCar introduced him to this girl, months ago. He started dating her. She told him she was a stripper, turns out she is a hooker and of course do drugs and stuff. Steve gives her money all the time, and seems that he is taking all the money from the Family Card he has to give it to her, plus he is also not paying any rent... Plus his doing drugs... Plus his not really helping at all in his mother's house (now they know all I passed through)...
His sister asked him back then what about me... had he broke with me? and he simply told her... what about her... so what, let her find out...
Months ago... It cut me, even if it shouldn't right now... I mean, I am involved in a relationship I never imagined possible... But it burns me that someone could deceive me so... and have the guts to break in tears just 3 days ago because he was alone and missed me...
What a way to play with friends... with feelings... It disgusts me... It makes me so mad... It is all so dissapointing... I truly wated my time, maybe the best years of my youth... with someone who is worth no more than scum. And I wondered why he is so sick all of the time of late... Well, in truth, it has been small things compared to all he could have from the girl he now has... Whatever he gets he deserve it. It is not that I gloat over what may happen to him, but here in this world you pay for what you do... sooner or later it gets you. I had no idea that his evil would be shed towards me in such a vile way... I had no idea that he was truly sucking out everything in my life just to survive... How can such a black heart have any feelings at all? I expected him to be difficult, and I have always known his darkness and his fondness of lies... but I never expected to be the target of it all... Especially being the one who helps him inconditioally all the time...
I want to scream. I want to hit him until he bleeds. I want to say so many bad things to him... And yet I must remain quiet because I am not suppossed to know all this... It is insane... It is not fair... But all in all, I can understand now so many things, the reasons... and the way that evil pays in this world.
10-4
About Steve.
His friend from VolCar introduced him to this girl, months ago. He started dating her. She told him she was a stripper, turns out she is a hooker and of course do drugs and stuff. Steve gives her money all the time, and seems that he is taking all the money from the Family Card he has to give it to her, plus he is also not paying any rent... Plus his doing drugs... Plus his not really helping at all in his mother's house (now they know all I passed through)...
His sister asked him back then what about me... had he broke with me? and he simply told her... what about her... so what, let her find out...
Months ago... It cut me, even if it shouldn't right now... I mean, I am involved in a relationship I never imagined possible... But it burns me that someone could deceive me so... and have the guts to break in tears just 3 days ago because he was alone and missed me...
What a way to play with friends... with feelings... It disgusts me... It makes me so mad... It is all so dissapointing... I truly wated my time, maybe the best years of my youth... with someone who is worth no more than scum. And I wondered why he is so sick all of the time of late... Well, in truth, it has been small things compared to all he could have from the girl he now has... Whatever he gets he deserve it. It is not that I gloat over what may happen to him, but here in this world you pay for what you do... sooner or later it gets you. I had no idea that his evil would be shed towards me in such a vile way... I had no idea that he was truly sucking out everything in my life just to survive... How can such a black heart have any feelings at all? I expected him to be difficult, and I have always known his darkness and his fondness of lies... but I never expected to be the target of it all... Especially being the one who helps him inconditioally all the time...
I want to scream. I want to hit him until he bleeds. I want to say so many bad things to him... And yet I must remain quiet because I am not suppossed to know all this... It is insane... It is not fair... But all in all, I can understand now so many things, the reasons... and the way that evil pays in this world.
10-4
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