Broken wings, breathless soul... Empty spirit that wanders with no purpose, shattered dreams, no hope left for any kind of escape, no joy left... My best friend, gone... My only true friend who always got my back through thick and thin... It has been 4 months. Life has gone on for everyone. Everyone mourned good old Sri for a week, maybe two. Four months later... People... The dance of hypocrisy. The song of who is better, who has or not... People that pat you because you are a good dog, and keep going... No one stops for coffee. No one calls just because. No one cares to ponder life, in life, unliving. All is fine. All is sealed with a smile, a wink, an automated good morning or goodnight.
I am fine. Sure. I work, I answer the calls with the brainwashed answers with a smile in my lips, a sweet voice filled with warmth and patience. And all is good. Mistakes are overlooked. Empty glares and quietness mean nothing. Wearing the garter of isolation with poise so it looks hip... Sound iron focus on one word only, swim. How are you? Swimming. What do you do, you swim. I'm swimming. All is good. All is fine.
The curtain is down. Only me, myself, my own... A dark cloud covers me with it' shade at all times. I take comfort that it may be his shadow, letting me know he walks with me. Yet it is little comfort when you humm a song but noone else hums the ending... or knows the hidden joke within it. It is little comfort knowing you may have amazingly stupid ideas, but no one to tell them. It is of little comfort when you had the privilege of knowing someone who would listen to you anytime, anywhere, at 2:00am, rain or shine... and suddenly poof... The bliss of enjoying a cup of cafe con leche with pan sobao con mantequilla with a silent partner in crime that would be enjoying his cup, enjoying the same silence, and smiling because of that perfect moment... No words needed for perfection. Memories. Days of past. But I'm fine. Peachy.
So I tried happiness pills, that happily made me nauseos and vomit all day... but I took nevertheless... because they made the day seem bearable taking my mind off the unthinkable... Balls. Had to stop all. Puking day and night would make anyone miserable enough to forget... But no, not me. Through puke and NAUSEA and distress, his absence screams loud and clear, just like Deedee's absence shredded my soul... bringing on Deedee's echoes... bringing on all sorts of emotions... I can't fight my feelings. Pills won' help. Nothing helps. But I'm fine.
I'm crawling in a never ending desert filled with happy clones that ignore human reactions. I'm me, the me I've always known, the me that takes everything and defies everything, and keeps walking and fighting... swinging the sword... unstopabble... No one notices how ripped my heart is. No one notices the stare devoid of life. No one stops for coffee and silence.
My partner in crime... a memory. The future we so often joked about... two rocking chairs with two old people enjoying coffee... a memory... bittersweet... stabbing my heart at all times. He left me alone. I am so hurt. He gave up on this world. I understand... But how much it hurts... Alone. I feel so alone. He was my comfort zone. He made me smile through storms. He was an asshole, but a thoughtful asshole. He knew how to fuel my courage and will to go on against all odds. Gone.
But I'm fine. I am alive. I breathe. I work. I pay bills. Who cares about my empty soul. Who cares about the walking carcass with the ripped heart. All a show. Progress. Clones. Future.
So many acquaintances...
No friends. Not really. Many claimed to be. What a sad graveyard...
And family... Yes, I have a husband, a daughter, an angel daughter and an angel brother.
Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
I miss
