Wasted Youth

Little by little every detail, every word said and every word not said confirms the fact that although true love never dies, love is not always a synonym of happiness. When there is a trade-off that is gruesomely big, even the best of intentions and the greatest of faiths cannot mend lives… Cruel actions remain in the background as gruesome reminders of a past imperfect that haunts each time you look back, and the haunting can have many consequences… among them, killing love. I wish there was a way to simply stop rewinding the movie, I wish there was a way to simply put a blank tape and start filming the New Adventures… But how? So much mistrust, so much hate, so much desire for retribution, so much change… I cannot film a new movie on a blank tape. I am a firm believer that the good and the bad shapes everything, and that it all should weave a web of understanding and support and strength. When the past cannot be weaved into the present so a future can be the only outcome something is completely wrong.

I believed in true love. For my whole life I chased that ghost mindlessly because in my whole life FEELINGS have been more important than the mind. I always thought that feelings were always right because they came straight from the heart… because they could not be tainted with thoughts of lust, money or fame… I view feelings as the shapeless core that each being had, that core that made everyone do what is right even against the odds… All in all, following feelings landed me in an eerie Neverland where the Lost Children are cannibals and Captain Hook is a godmother. I have been wrong. I hate coming to this realization, I am never wrong… Well… Here is when I grow old and wrinkles begin to appear in my face, even if grey hairs refuse to crown me yet. I was wrong. I have been wrong my whole life. I have been wrong about all the things I believed in, about all the things I wrote about, about all the ones I have loved beyond logical explanation. Feelings are never to be trusted, because it leads toward a path that only you can understand yourself… It leads to misunderstanding, it leads to forsakenness. No one accepts actions from someone who felt was doing something right. No one actually digs that a strong motive can come from simply feeling you can make a change… Feelings are ethereal after all… unmeasurable… intangible… illogical. Only madness and loss can come out of it. And so, here I am.

I have truth. Many truths. Yes, I may have lied some lies, white lies mind you… but 95% of my words and actions have been fueled by truth. I have tried my best to keep to my lovely code of honor and ethics so at least I die at peace with myself. It is a pity that people do not value friendship as the times passed… But oh, it is so easy to take things for granted… It is so easy to simply live on facing and accepting new things and forgetting and neglecting the old, the used, the now good-for-nothing… The whole process is sad in itself… In order to create new acquaintances you have to either talk about sex, or simply have sex, or agree to talk and have sex. Somehow, the new local ghetto has this policy of sex for everything… The word friend implies an knowing each other so well as to know that much in person. There is no space anymore for a relationship between a man and a woman that is sexless. People always imply an affair no matter how evident it is that there is none. Television bombards people with these images of sultry lifestyles of the lame and famous… In order to be cool you must have 50 orgasms a day with more than a dozen men, or simply show all your ass-ets in the camera while leaving nothing to the imagination, or simply being nasty and ill-tongued. Vulgarity and profanity are a must to be cool in this local culture. If you have any conscience, you are out, passé, an outcast… And sincerely, I love being an outcast.

I could be a social butterfly. I started the year that way at work, just trying it out for one week. Yes, it’s lovely in the surface. But at day 7 I simply went back to closing my door. I feel no joy in listening to chit-chat about La Comay, about the political status, about babies, about cooking, about how much I am missing by not having a child, about manicures and pedicures, about boys, about the latest position for making love… I am deeply sorry, ladies and gentlemen… I am NOT a girly girl. I am NOT a bimbo. I have a brain. Bear with me. I am allergic to all the bullshit that comes from your pea-brains and that are somehow expelled verbally for the horror of my alien ears. If I let you, you will all cluster around me, and then mummify me so I become a brainless clone that emulates all that you are! No! So, my door is closed to idiocy and mundane affairs. I am definitively being punished for an intergalactic crime I committed in a galaxy far away… This is the wrong culture for me, the wrong time period, the wrong era… I should’ve been born in Egypt at the time when women were valued for their brains (that was Cleopatra’s real beauty, history has it she was not physically beautiful as the movies portrait). Here, all around me, is a complete harassment in every way, and one has to be candid and polite so things don’t get out of hand. And if that is work, talk about people who want to get to know you…

Someone mentioned to me last night that I should try to find someone with whom I have no past and work from a clean canvas. The idea is perfect, ecstatic… The problem is… Location, location, location. I don’t see where could I meet such a person here in Puerto Rico, the land of ignorance and loss. Men approach women because of their physical attributes, because of what they have and how easy they are. They are not looking for a real commitment, just a night of fiery passion. Women who are bi usually wants threesomes or simply the freedom to go to bed with whoever/whenever. Lesbians seem to view their preference as an open invitation among women 24/7. Men and women invite pornography, actually applaud it. They need a movie to get hot, drugs to get high and hot, and any space available to makeout. There is no courting, there is no deep need of knowing each other, there is no sweeping off your feet… but plenty of sweeping between them… It’s a sad thing… And I am completely against that trend. I want respect, and that is not even in the list of what the menu offers. I want truth, honor, faith… Dream on.

Knowing people for relationships is a simply impossible task. Knowing people to be a friend is not as simple as it seems, because if there is a married couple either the man gets interested, or the woman gets jealous, or they want a 3some with you. If you get single friends then the single talk gets red-hotted with distasteful conversations and insinuations because everyone assumes you are out to get some. If you try being nice it is misunderstood as an invitation for a night of sultry passion. It all sucks. The only people who remain your friends, honestly, are the ones you grew up with, or that you met while studying. After a certain age, all the people that navigate around you just wants a piece of you. That is what I have learned in my adventures through Hell. Everyone wants something. You can be the bitchiest bitch, and still all that matters is if you are fucking material or not. So… So much for a blank canvas…

Who I am without my feelings to guide my actions? That’s a good one… Everyone has me so figured out as the impulsive goody-doer that screws up in the name of love… Seems I have no credibility thanks to my changing of heart/mind, seems I have no real knowledge of what I want because I am like a chameleon in matters of wants/needs. I’ve always been an open book, and lovers know I have nothing to hide… And my worst mistake is… I hide nothing. And so everything is revealed, and me and my naïve nature believes that it is good and reality states that it is not so good… In a world of deceit, of power struggles, of lost morals, of selfishness… What can someone like me look for? What can someone like me find? Not only dreams do not come true, true love is the greatest fantasy of all, and the games feelings play leave you as a damned fool… Damned. Forsaken. Torned.

“If I ever loose my faith in you
There’ll be nothing left for me to do”

I don't know what to do or believe. The old guy is unreliable in his ways, and as I have tried to find out he doesn't comply to boundaries between joking or serious stuff. And as a consequence, Gilberto's credibility is flawed. If only he used sound arguments perhaps I could try to believe, but his reclining on stupidity is astounding. He called me up to ask me when would I get the Dreamweaver book. I said if that was all he had to say. Then he says I was stupid to let what the old guy said weight against him. That how could I believe he would be hitting on a mentally retarded person... I said mentally retarded doesn't mean physically retarded. And his answer was: I wouldn't do such as a thing, the one that cheated on you with a mentally retarded girl was Steve. That stinged badly. Always bringing Steve to the conversation, always to say something stupid against me, to hurt me with all his will focused on it. I breathed an answered"Working in hotels is the perfect haven for men doing that, 98% of men do that and you aint a saint. You flirt, always have always will." And he asked again when will I go get the book. I just told him to shove it up his ass. I am so angry. I hate this kind of disruption at work, when I need to be serene and peaceful in order to be truly productive. How can I just live when such a desire to simply screw up my life lives on? He is never sorry. He has nothing to apologize for. Putting the "I did nothing" expression and bringing to my face all the bad things that happenned between Steve and me is suppossed to bring me closer to him... That's his mind. His constant mumbling about Steve is enough to drive anyone insane... Steve this, Steve that... Steve, the great cause of his problems... Steve, the one he wants dead so he can have complete control over my life. Steve, the cause for everything he did: drugs, failure... Steve, the betrayer. Steve, the one I took with me to San Juan to live with me. Steve, the one with the big plan to stab him over and over and over. Steve, whose word I put before his own. Steve, who I defend fiercely. Steve, with whom I hang out at all times, all the time, 24/7. Steve, the nemesis. I am so fucking tired of hearing the crap about Steve. I am fucking tired of his wasting time and effort on hating Steve and anoying me with Steve. And I am tired of his using Steve to hurt me over and over and over.

Do I need to be reminded of Steve's cheating on me? I mean, I know he did... I couldn't forgive, I didn't marry him, I'm not his girl. That was the consequence of his actions, of his constant deceit. That is punishment enough in my eyes. As a friend I can handle him, as a lover he hurt me beyond forgiveness. Period. That's it. Next! But dwelling on that shit... Getting all the reminders of that shit which happenned 4 years ago... Shesh! How lame can someone be! That and the crap of me living with Steve... taking him to San Juan... Because that is all that he told to Mayaguez and the nearby cities. The part of "so he could get a job" "to help a friend" "they are roomates, nothing more" never catches up with his evil tongue. I have never in my whole life cheated on Gilberto. And of everyone, he was the one that deserved it most. I proved myself a true friend to Steve, and I would have done the same for Alex, for Sara, for Anthony. Just because you sleep in the same bed doesn't mean you are over each other. And I think Gilberto doubtes me, keeps snarling shit at me, keeps saying and believing lies because that is what he's used to. That is what he did. That is what he relates to. Being honest and straightforward about an issue? No. Keeping self-control when you know you are not someone's mate? No. Giving respect, truth, honor, faith? No. Giving selfless caring without thinking of what can you get back? No. Gilberto is selfish, childlike, always in the lookout for being a leech, always looking for best deals, always living off anyone anywhere, believing in what is most comfortable for him, ignoring and taking for granted responsabilities and real life. And he has no real reasons for his actions, no truth or motives. That is why he has nothing to say but shameless pointing out what Steve did bad. It is so easy to do what he always do: badmouth people, make people go against each other, make people play his game. And the worst part is that since he believe his lies, you believe them too. A lazy opportunist... cunning in his ways of trickery... cunning and cold, yet with a sharade of softness and seemingly goodness... So many abilities wasted because of his lack of will to simply do something... His world runs around himself, and he is not something to be proud of... He is not complete, he has no thoughts of his own... How can you make the world turn around you when you don't really know who you are, what you were meant to do, which are the important things in life? Drugs and alcohol took the best of him. And now... what is left but an empty shell that asks for recognition and attention at the expense of others reputations and lives? He is a smooth scoundral. He makes you feel guilty for not doing his bidding. He mocks you and makes you believe you are nothing. It's lovely. Plain lovely.

For more than 15 years I have believed in a shadow that became an idealized ghost. It has left me lonely, bitter... It has killed my belief in goodness, in passion, in life, in love. There is no happiness, just a few drops of bliss made so you don't go completely mad... It is a world of evil, where only if you are evil and behave evil and think evilly then you can win and be successful. It is a world that feeds off your loss, your falls, your decaying... I was innocent enough to believe that against all odds, love could prevail... Yes, love could be the only thing worth dying for, love was all I needed... Love was the ultimate truth. In a world of lies, that is precisely the biggest lie of all... A beautiful lie.

The night in which I stood still

Last night things started fine. I just dropped by and asked Gil if he would take me to eat something. So we went to Wendy’s. The conversation was ok, and so we headed to Walmart since I was in a mission to get some diabetic drinks. Fine. So we finished that, and I needed to check prices of the diabetic things on Walgreens. The snacks were there and I was comparing brands when someone dropped by saying hello to Gil. Against the normal trend this time it was not a girl, but a co-worker of mine who is now getting pension without working... De Vera. The old scoundral has an ill reputation and even a lawsuit for visiting prostitutes... nevermind that. He say hello to Gile in a very amicable way and started asking how we met. I was staring in disbelief, but managed an “we know each other from childhood”. He mentioned “Are you brothers?” “No, he’s my boyfriend” The face on DeVera said it all. He went from a side to the other saying “He’s a comunist”, I answered “I know”. “Did you know he drinks lots of non-cold Coke straight from the big bottle?” I answered “I know”. “Do you he works as head Staff of Eddie Esteban’s band?” “I know… only staff”. Then he went to ask about my “husband” which made me so mad since I’ve never had a husband and that prank at work brought me enough troubles… I answered “I’ve never had a husband, and you know it”. Then he asked Gil about the girl from the hotel, and told me “Did you know about this girl that likes him? I said “I know, the handicapped one”. “Oh, the way they talk” “I know, he likes being too flirty with girls, the story of his life”. And DeVera says joking but looking at me straight in the eye “When something doesn’t work, kick him out”. Lovely jokes. Each time he said something about Gilberto, and mind you it was not a good thing, I smiled politely and snapped at Gilberto “Well, defend yourself!” All he did was smile a bit nervously… too nervously for my taste. So, DeVera said his goodbyes and when he hugged me he said to my ear “Kick him out”. I felt a cold shower all over me. I didn’t get mad right away, I just felt my heart sank to the pits of hell… and a coldness and numbness I haven’t felt ever since Steve confirmed that he had a lover. I left without buying anything or uttering a word. When we got in the car he went to hold my hand and I stopped him hissing “Don’t you ever touch me again”. His expression was of surprise and disbelief “Now you are going to believe what that man said? Don’t you know how he is? You knew about the girl, and I have nothing with her…” His seemingly innocence made me so angry, because for him as usual nothing happenned. He didn’t defend his case when the old guy was making smart comments about him, but that is nothing. His flirty hello’s to his female friends are so so happy, but that is nothing. His handling of “showbusiness”, sitting in a corner doing nothing… How can I believe it? Like he doesn’t talk, like he’s not clowning around, like he doesn’t dance with anybody… I am supposed to believe that from an expert social butterfly? He never did anything, it were the girls that hug him or give him innocent kissed or danced with him… He has no guilt… He is nothing but a circunstancial victim of casualty…

I was deeply shaken. I don’t know what to think about this… I don’t know who deserves the benefit of doubt. I just know in my heart that Gil may love me, but his displays of affection towards other females are not respectful towards me… He is one person in front of me and a different person when I am not there. I see him giving his back to me… It’s all I can say, from the bottom of my heart… I can’t believe he doesn’t party at parties, and I don’t believe in that nighttime job of wonder that gives him oh-so-many opportunities to be or do whatever he wants. Botomline I just told him “Call me when you get rid off that stupid job”, and his answer was “And you are getting rid off Steve”. Because to every little problem, every little detail, that is his only answer… he just wants me to dismiss Steve as if he were a maid or something, gone forever. And that is the only certain thing that just won’t happen. I won’t get rid off someone who has stood by me through good and bad and Hell. He may not be the most trustworthy in matters of loyalty, but as a friend he is the best I could ask for. Gilberto is childlike, selfish and stupid. He wants a life with me… with the stupid way of thinking that he has, with the stupid ways of talking/asking for attention from people, with the stupid job that is not so stupid because it grants him the freedom to do whatever, whenever, being paid/sponsored for it… and he regards me as not being a professional, that I am nothing but an average Joe and I try to pass as something big and different… His words are always hurtful. His thoughts are and simply against everything I believe in… He dares to speak of love… He is a macho, he is always right, I am always wrong, I should be made fun of, I have no idea of what life is, I am crazy and insane… I don’t think he can even start do define what love is…

I couldn’t sleep trying to find an answer, trying to find a solution to my dicotomy… I asked God for a signal, and the DeVera incident, although very unpleasant, seemed like that omen I wanted… It was an ethereal moment in which I saw things I dismissed… and they all were shards that flew towards me and target what was left of my heart… Didn’t saw that one coming… I know one thing is certain, I am not calling him. And if he calls he better have a solution for his work misdemeanors or I will just ignore him completely. There is so much one can take. I am tired of playing the fool. I am always a fool in his domain, because I don’t see the truth of what he is… because I believe… Well, I am not a fool. And some things are just incredibly wrong. His disregard for who I am, what I do, my friends, my life… it ia all appalling… it is all enough… for a detail only people would simply breakup. I have stood the test of time, and again and again I keep failing… falling for him… giving him chances and trying… Enough! My worth is something he can’t even star guessing. I can be passionate, and I can take all my passion and create Icewind Dale! Beware my coldness, for even the White Witch is not as cruel and clever as I can be if I focus on it.

Headache

Headaches... that's what I get from the ones I love most. I need to make a big decision and it just seems I just can't. Gilberto wants the yes to get married, and keeps pushing his way demanding: time, attention, etc. The more he pushes the more reluctant I get. He is extremely jealous and wishes to cage me, isolating me from the world... Ask him and he'll say that is not true, but then ask him about me doing things with my friends... The Steve theme is completely out of proportion, in his head all I do with Steve is fuck. I don't get it. Why, is it the only truth that that's all a man and a woman can do whenever they meet alone? That's such a stupid way of thinking. His play on guiltyness is now the frosting of the cake. Why should I feel gulty, when throughout the years it's been him giving his back to me? I hear his words about how wonderful I am, how complete I make his life, how lucky he is to have me at his side, yadda yadda... And I can't help but to not believe him. I don't feel his love. I don't feel I am so important. I don't see him as swashbuckling as I did years ago. And I am not so naive and innocent no more. How can I believe in the promises of a jackal? And he's moody, crying often, getting insane... And for me it is all a play. His interests are stupid for me. He bores me. I like his sweetness and hugs, but that's about it. Seeing him everyday seems a handful because he has absolutely nothing new to tell, or he tells things I don't give a shit... And now he's constantly talking about "when we get married". Ugh! I try to take things in the lighter way, but I am getting more annoyed each time. I cannot be commanded or asked so many questions. There is no trust, and his trying to control the little time I have free is a turn off. Perhaps he was the love of my life, but I dont feel he still is. I expect someone different as a husband. I want to be taken care of, not to keep on being a mastermind, a caretaker, a guide... I've been playing that role for more than 15 years and I am sick of it. I want someone else to do that for me. And to have a job as I do, and to challenge me mentally... It is sad to be surrounded by morons all the time. He is stuck in a rot. He got an associate degree to shelve it. His "showbusiness" interest makes me want to puke. He will never be responsible or take life seriously. That's how I see him. No matter how much I try to change that view, I see him dressing as he does and talking his "streettalk" and working with his "friends" and it just makes me want to turn around and leave forever. I hate his demeanor. I hate how he thinks he's so right, especially when he is so wrong. I hate how he insults me and my intelligence with so much ease, while looking like the Puss in Boots... the innocent sweet look. I hate his carelessness. I cannot even ponder marrying this guy... Maybe 3 years ago, not now. He makes me feel many negative things... we only share a true love in the past, and chemistry... But great relationships that last are not based on memories and physical love. And I am beyond that. So... (sight)... I don't see a future. I'm trying to give him a chance to prove me wrong, again, and it's not working... each time I am more aloof. So... When will the next tide fall?

Headache.

Marriage?

It is very ironic when the words that you have longed to hear for more than 15 years arrive, and then you feel that after that climax is reached that you really where not prepared for them. He is the one I’ve always regarded as my husband. He is the one I have loved deeply ever since I fall in love with him at the beginning of my 17 years… He is the one that can make my rage arise in seconds, as well as he is the one that can take me to the moon in the same way… He is the one I always end up with one way or another, the idea that fueled my belief in dreams and love… So… After all that we’ve gone through… He finally says he wants to marry me, and what is my reaction? I stay quiet. I let him talk and show me the dream with all the words available… I let him draw the map and the master plan, and I remain quiet. I felt mute. I felt out of place and time. I felt… wrong… I withdraw from the stage with candor, and just go silently back to the shadows where I belong… And there in the shadows I ponder things again and again… What is so wrong with me? Why is it that instead of sublime happiness I felt sublime dread? My being mute and vanishing as soon as I could had plenty to do with that… panic… dread… fear… Somehow my worlds collide and all the while I am at the core of the catastrophe and I have no idea of what to do. I promised myself that a sound and final decision would come at Dec31st… Everything has turned against me, and that core decision has been nothing but a ghost. My dreams and nightmares offer more laberynths instead of granting wisdom and answers… I have no idea of what my heart wants now that it knows every truth… I have kept my feelings so tightly binded that they have become numb and senseless… I feel confused and threatened and sometimes even harrassed… Who can understand me? Who can grant me guidance? I’ve been completely incomunicated… no phone, no neutral people to actually talk out my confussion… I have been surrounded by my loves and only by them… and that makes everything worst because I must keep control and keep everyone at bay and try to be just a friend, and at the same time guilt appears as well as wishes and dreams and memories and feelings and it all drives me mad!

Steve. What can I say about him that has not been said? He has been my shadow for better or for worst, he has been there through good and bad times, giving me courage and support as well as being the source of deep suffering… It all was a tidal wave that changed us constantly and deeply… My best friend, my betrayer as a lover but my fortitude as a brother… He is family. I tried to forgive and forget what could never be erased, and so I could not go through the big plan that we both created… I could not swear things to God when I knew that within my heart those things burned with hate, with pain, with sorrow, with lack of understanding… As a friend I can understand, as a lover I simply can’t because I believed so deeply and it all turned into the biggest snow ball… He has many things to atune for, and I know he has tried to atune with me… But before that much is granted, he needs to atune with himself… and that is another story. I cannot compete with the love he must restore for himself. He needs to restore faith in himself, his self-esteem, his desire for success and for dreaming and for conquering his beasts. He needs to take the reins of his life, complete all those loose ends: finish studying, getting the drivers license, getting a good job, believing in himself and his ability to make a difference…It is a long journey, and I wish I could be part of it… but I know I can’t… it all must be done by himself or it all will never happen. He acknowledged his mistakes, and he has repented for some… but the lying didn’t stop with the cheating… the lying continued about classes not really taken, about jobs not really accounted for… How can I believe when in the end I get that the truth was all a lie? And I know I can rely on him, and he can finish every sentence I start, and he is there for me all the time, and he understands my kitties as well as me… I enjoy so much his presence and his jokes and his company and his thoughts…But in matters of responsibility, where is the man I need? Where is the man that takes charge so I can rest? Where is the man that makes me feel I am the ultimate goddess and as so I shall be worshipped? Where is the man that makes me feel beautiful, wanted, ravishing, desirable, amazing, successful… Steve is the perfect companion if companions didn’t share chemistry and truth… And those two things created a deep rift that keeps us apart as a couple. It is easier to overlook flaws in friends than in lovers… especially when those flaws hurt so much… Years of living together but apart simply killed any desire. I don’t see him as a man. For me he is a sexless entity, if such a thing is possible. So sex has never bind us, since it has not been a primary part of our relationship… nor secondary, nor third… We were binded by everyday life, by simply living, working, playing Dungeons, watching movies, sharing goals and dreams, travelling and by taking care of the kitties… Our attraction is mental and spiritual not physical. Seems no one can understand this but ourselves. We could have married… we could last forever… but marriage involves that sex part that we don’t share… and it would be plain wrong to lie to ourselves about that. A husband and a wife share a bed for more than sleeping. And so a family is nourished. Our bond would not include that, and making a family is the basis of marriage. So logic dictates that we are not to marry. So I ended that dream abruptly, as that realization came to me. And it was not easy. And it still hurts, because I feel I failed as a woman.

Gilberto. The 16 years odyssey. The chased dream. The one and only. My husband and soulmate. I hear the words of marriage after all… and now I am freaking out. Why? I simply cannot say. I have this inner alarm that sends a big beware to all my senses, body and soul. I want to trust. I want to believe. I want to go through it all and finally say I do at the altar, to him. And the whole idea is making me a wreck. I see him turning his back on me and leaving. I see him mocking me, going away with his girlfriends. I see him vanishing at nights following his friends. I see him wasting his life and talents… And somehow I don’t see him with me. I try to visualize us, united, under the same roof… and I see loneliness. I see that we are too different, that my friends and his friends are stories that must remain alienated and untouched… I see that he can do all he wants, spend nights out… and I will remain alone in my house, cold at nights. I see in me a reflection of what Sara is going through… absent husband, all responsabilities on me… distrust… distress… a family that hates me… loosing my close friends… loosing my best friend and companion… loosing the glow in my eyes as reality sets in… loosing my will to fight… I fear all this. I fear it is a beast that will be unleashed just after I say I do. Why? He should be different… He should know what I want, what he wants… I fear his lies… his abandoning me each time I chose him… I fear trusting him… He has deep hate for everyone dear to me. Hate is powerful, dreadful… And I hate his hate for Steve. All he asks from me somehow is so unfair, for I have given so many years in heart and soul, for I have received stones from people that doesn’t even know me thanks to his lies and delusions… All I feel and see is that he wants me for himself, to cage me away and keep me as some sort of trophy. His love is obsessive, yet he doesn’t bother to see me and to make sacrifices for me. He runs to his “boss” lap as a sick puppy, as a lackey… I am always the afterthough… the one waiting around… dying… That is what I believe in my heart. I love him deeply, desperately... but that is how I feel... the truth I fear because of our history... He talked to me about marriage and I was crushed because he has not grown up, he has no sense of responsibility, of action, of working towards a goal… And I need a real man at my side, not an illusion that grants small pieces of joy at expense of a lifetime… He makes me feel as a woman, he makes me feel beautiful and ravashing… yet he makes me feel stupid and useless and used. And in all that, love is the cement binding thoughts and feelings… It is awful. It is irrational. It is consuming me, taking away all I am and perhaps even all I believe in. I want to believe him so badly… And I am so scared…

And I don’t know what to do.

And I will end up alone. With my 8 cats. Alone.

Because Steve wont stick around for long if I say yes to Gilberto. He will just go to Florida and live dying every day… And Sara and Alex won’t aprove and wont be around… And Maria and Joe will simply remain expectators of my drama, drifting away swiftly… They are Steves friends and wont accept Gilberto, ever… So I will be working and studying and creating and being with my cats… and waiting eternally for my husband to get home…

And If I say goodbye to Gilberto I will simply live my days with deep sadness… And I will not be able to make anyone happy because I would not be happy with myself…

So I loose if I’m damned and I loose if I’m forsaken. And only my kitties will be there to give me stringless unconditional love… And to try warming up my cold heart…

I am going mad. Simple things aint so simple, and the choices I have before me are to decide my whole life for once and for all… God help me… I am loosing grasp of reason and truth… Dreams and nightmares are a same mix… Help me, Lord, for I don’t know which path to follow, which sides to take, which actions to complete… Help me Lord for I feel silent and weak and ignorant… for I feel forgotten and sad…

Bipolar me...