You take the good, you take the bad...

I always write the bad stuff... So I should also make a habit of writing the good stuff. Just to be fair in keeping track of life.

So... Here goes...

Gilberto called me up so I would visit him on Thursday. Things were a bad omen, as I went off the house auntie was fighting with me because I was going to see him, leaving Steve playing in my room... I was like so what, he's hooked on the PS2 but I keep forgetting that it is not my house... Breathe in, breathe out. Arrived at Tril's house and he started fighting too with the same “Steve syndrome” thing… I left and he called me back, I don’t get why but he wanted to go out on Friday… after the big fight… Una de estas cosas… Anyway, I made sure he understood the point that if he misbehaved/screamed/did/said something stupid I will just leave him whenever the night took us. He said ok, so I said ok.

So,he called on Friday. I said he had to wait until 7pm because I was having dinner at auntie's so Steve would eat, he complained and I just told him to remember what I had said the day before. He shut up and said 7 was fine. Ok, so I picked him up… He started talking of movies and I sugested Hoodwicked. He didn't knew what that was about, he was thinking of Pink Panther, but since I was quite insistent he complied... Anything to see me smile. So far so good. We went to see the movie, and actually had a good time. He treated me with some goodies as well as the ticket. He had eaten nothing, and invited me to dine... I was not so hungry but thought I could sin and eat a dessert, so I suggested Dennys. His face was surprised and delighted, that is his favorite place to dine out. We got there, and I got a nice warm coffee with a fruit-pancake. He devoured his sandwich. All the while I was on a roll talking about how I've been bothering people at work in the last 3 days, about the upcoming Pirate activity that I'm helping to plan, and the graduation I'm supposed to decor. He seemed to have fun, and was attentive and polite the whole while. He also payed for the dinner. My car was with scarce gas, and he filled some of the tank. And then I delivered him. It all was ok, no fights and no stupid comments... he actually behaved as a gentleman (WHAT!) and had interesting things to say. I was waiting for a catch, but there was none. I went home quite content with the outing outcome. So, it IS possible to have fun if someone tries hard enough… Who knew?

He called me up on Sat for the one minute "I'm alive, what are you doing" talk. I was watching WNTW so was not paying too much attention to him and he hanged up... Oddly enough without a fight. After I delivered Steve to his place, I had the hunch of simply driving by Tril's house. He was just stepping out of Pedro & Fernand's pickup. So, he came running to the car asking what was I doing there. I just said I was passing by and took the route since he always said he spent time at the balcony at nights when bored. So, he smiled and simply said "Thank you". We talked a little, took him to KFC since he wanted to grab something to eat, and then I went home. I was too sleepy to do anything else.

Yesterday I just passed by again after delivering Steve. I actually pulled over and called for him. His grandfather saw me and called louder so he would hear. He was surprised to see me, and went running down the stairs like a little kid, just to give me a big hug. Ok... That was happy... I just stayed for some minutes as it was a Sunday night, and he thanked me for remembering to go see him.

Ok... So who is the girl and who is the guy here? Ah... The usual... But at least I have not ended up crying and the moments have been happy and assertive... Miracles do happen.

He hinted on my birthday being near, and I laughed out saying his was first. He said he wanted to give me something special... And without second thoughts I just said well... gather enough money and take me to Disney for October. LOL Not that I believe he will do it... But who knows, by now I think anything can happen...

I don't have hopes for anything, I am not thinking of a future and I an not committing myself to noone. But I have to admit that I feel happy and at peace whenever he is around me, and is NOT acting/talking idiotically. It shouldn't be such an ill fate if that could be true every day of our lives... Is it possible for Neverland to come to us? Whenever he is around I feel like a kid, full of wonder... He makes me feel young and wreckless. He can bring out the best in me, if he really wanted to... He only needs to change the focus of his life, and learn to grow keeping the kid intact. A thin line... that makes all the difference. Hope Tinkerbell doesn't become a pain in the ass...



10-4

Never forget...

What to do when all has been done
What to say when all has been said
What to feel when all has been felt
What to recall when all has been lost
What to believe when hope has left
What to dream when reality sets in
What to live for when oblivion is
inevitable, inescapable, irreversible,
irreverent,imminent,
here.

And so... someone dedicated this song to me... because it was me... How ironic is fate...

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright,
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
Looking for a little romance,
Given half a chance,
I have never seen that dress you're wearing,
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,
I have been blind.

The lady in red,
Is dancing with me,
Cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here,
It's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
And I hardly know, there's beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight.

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright,
You were amazing,
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled,
It took my breath away,
I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love
as I do tonight.

The lady in red,
Is dancing with me,
Cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here,
It's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
And I hardly know, there's beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight.

I never will forget the way you look tonight
The lady in red
The lady in red
The lady in red
My lady in red

I love you

I loved you, too.

Been spending lots of time at Sara’s so Stv can do his laundry. She doesn’t mind, she loves the company. At least we keep an eye on the kids and she can breath in- breath out and do other things… Barbie is really fond of Stv because it seems that he is the only one that plays with her and Diego. I don’t get it… So many toys laying all around the house, no order in their lives, mom too busy with all chores and work, and dad always absent. I wonder how that will improve Diego’s condition, or keep Barbie sane. Whatever… Seems I am learning all the “what not to let your kids do, what you should not do as a parent and what not to allow in your home”. Two dogs and two cats inside a very small house that shelters two brats and a cromagnon is not right. Puppy is blind and almost deaf, and has ticks and fleas all over. Oliver is a stink with feet. The cats are allright… although flea bags. And they all end up in the kids beds… (sight) I honestly don’t know how the kids are not too sick because the animals are not so homebound, they go outside and then come in… a big ewwww… The one rule of the house: Only the strongest survive. I know Sara has many things to do, her husband is not the brightest and doesn’t help at all… But she lets the kids rule, do as they want, and so that’s where trouble starts… Whatever. I know nothing of kids, I’m not a mother.

Gave one of my armoires to Stv so he have a place to put his clean clothing… Still they have not connected water on the apartment and so no cleanup of the place has taken place… No need to mention the bathroom. It’s all a big EWWW. Well, also gave him a chair so his desk has an use. And a gas lamp, so he can read if he has to. No light either, and it is not likely that light can be connected because the last person to live there left a bill of some hundreds. Whatever. He’s got to see if he can get cupones. But he needs a light or water bill from the place he is living and there is none, the owners have none… Interesting, huh? Anyway he will check tomorrow. He lives alone, no water, no light, rented place and studying… shoot him if they say no to him, damnit! They are supposed to give him an emergency check… That’s what I’ve been told. Let’s see that outcome… Ananska gave Stv a nice speech on his attitude. Yay! We went for medicines, and he got that. Beautiful. He’s gotta see it’s not just me who says his attitude stinks. He needs to take charge and stop being negative and mopy about all. If given lemons, make lemonade… but being grouchy 24/7, unpolite and careless and sad and depressed is not going to help. About time someone else but me told him. He needs major adjustments. This week he has 3 tests. Let’s see how he copes…

Tril and his lovely calls. Last week he was mad because I did not went to the dining out… Erm… He never called, and I left my phone in his house and through email. I did my part. If he is lame that is not my problem. Then called me up yesterday, at first nagging why I did not answer him on Sun… Because you know, I must be like everyone else and carry the cel at my side 24/7. Hmm… Then if I wanted to dine… at 5:45, when everyone knows that I dine at 5:00. Then about going to the movies… like there is something to see… Then asking if I was alone. Followed by the expression “Que raro”, and the “I’ll call tomorrow, bye”. Not even a full minute. After a full week of silence. Yup, that is him, missing me lots, loving me lots, but finding less than a minute per week to talk to me. And I am supposed to be grateful, thrilled, enthralled, ecstatic about his picking up a phone and calling… Because he is soooo thoughtful… Right.

The big ball of shit that keeps growing bigger and bigger and bigger… That is my so-called sentimental life. Big Shit. And stinks like fish. At least I am not crying anymore. In the middle of every crisis, seems that I stopped caring. Been annoyed by everything and just having a titanic slogan that pleads to everyone “Just leave me alone”. I am tired and drained. I wish that a good guy that would share everything will appear in my life, but good guys are either taken, or wandering the deserts, or dead. Try finding someone whom you can trust not to be unfaithful, not to want to take advantage of who you are and what you do, not to want to control you or own you… Advertising and music has brainwashed everyone into thinking that all you need in life is a good fuck, beer and then more fuck. Followed by money and fame. All the while being brainless bastards who look cool and act stupid. I’m sorry, but I can’t live up to those expectations because there is more to life. Places to discover, things to learn, goals to achieve… I cannot stand the little minds of people within this isle. And I resent being treated as an oddity. And I hate that just because I have a brain and won’t be a bimbo I just cannot find the man of my dreams.

Whatever. Next!

10-4

14-feb-06

I don’t know if I did something right or something bad… I just express myself in a way that people misunderstands so badly! I mean… I can go to the stupid dinner, I only feel it is not a gift for me but a commodity for him because he can kill 2 birds with one shot: make his boss happy, and make me happy… The thing is, that will not happen. I demand attention, and he likes licking his boss’ ass. I don’t feel that I will have fun. His trying to dazzle me just is plain lame. And I can’t be razzle-dazzled… I have elf blood, so charm and sleep spells have a high percentage of failure… I did not want to offend him or make him feel miserable or make him cry. I just expect more, and seems there aint more to expect…

As I foresaw, he has not called me. It’s 4pm, so the chances that he will actually try to contact me are thinner by the second. I can’t do anything else… If he doesn’t check his email and if his mother didn’t gave him the message, well… tough cookies. He has never shown anything at all in a Valentine’s day in his whole life. This day doesn’t really have a deep meaning for me. And just dinning will not wave a magic wand and make me fall head over heels for him. He doesn’t or cannot or will not read me. Each day I feel further and further away from him, and I see that no matter what is done to mend the differences… they are just too many, too heavy, too hurtful. Nothing to do but go on…

I have two good friends that have lasted for more than a decade, a best friend that is always there for me… and acquaintances that are kind and truthful. I wish I had love… But that is something that I think I was not made for. I don’t belong, I am a whole. I need no completeness but complementation… I am so simple in my complicated existence… But there is no understanding, no communication, no real giving… Where’s hope?

15-feb-06

As I predicted, he didn’t call. I don’t know if it was because his mother did not give him the message or if he just didn’t wanted to mess with me. I guess I wont know for one or two more weeks. He shows up after allowing time to pass by and after distance sets in even stronger… His style… Lousy, and definitively a big turn off.

On the other corner, Groundel didn’t even wished me a happy day until I gave him a candy at lunch. And that was it, just a quick wish. Well… today I got an e-card saying I mean a lot to him… It just sucks that in the right moment there are no words or actions…

I was so sad last night… Words are free and yet not even that… I have the curse of getting no details from the ones I love most. No cards, no flowers, no plush doll, no hugs… not a simple word… It is frustrating… Throughout the years it is always the same… No one thinks I am important enough to make me feel that way. And it doesn’t really matter that things wont happen on the cursed commercialized V-Day, but what hurts the most is that details never happen 24/7, 365 days a year. It seems that the idea is just too much… I go through storms to make people smile, but no one crosses a small pond for me… It should not matter, but it does. It makes me feel unimportant, used, belittled. I don’t understand how someone as me has not been able to find the right other half.

Whatever...

Throw a stone...

Here I stand before you, naked, my arms extended side to side. Throw the stones if that pleases you, throw them all but make sure that there is no mistake, make sure that my death is imminent, unavoidable. My bare feet already bleed from stepping on the crystal sharp way that lead to your world. What is one more wound, can’t you see all the scars you have left on me through the years? Look at me, each scar tells a tale of my willingness to try once more and then the sudden edge that ripped me apart… not once or twice, but so many times that I have lost count... wounds that heal a little just to be re opened again, mercilessly.

Throw stones at my arms, so they break and can never ever hold you again, or help you get up, or comfort you. Throw stones at my chest so my heart becomes still and the blood flow stops, so there will be no feeling that clouds reason and no pain that mocks life. Throw stones at my legs, so they won’t take me to your side anymore. Throw stones at my head so my thoughts become numb, so reason blurs and the bliss of nothing comes and grants me the peace I have always looked for... So I stop thinking of you, wishing for you, dreaming of you… even hating you.

It should all be easy for you… But also I do have a last request. Throw a stone for each time you lifted your hand against me so the pain remains there as a physical evidence of your so called love. Throw a stone for each time you made a promise and failed me… You will be surprised at how much damage you have done to my spirit just by looking at the damage on my flesh. Throw a stone for each time your sweet tongue has spoken ill of me… You will see how I stop having the shape of a woman, as all that will be left is only broken bones and mangled flesh. Throw a stone for each time you took me against my will, for each time you hurt me, for each time you stepped over my beliefs and aspirations. Throw a stone for each time you said you loved me, and lied.

It will be an easy task that you will enjoy even more than destroying my belief and my love. Not that it will matter much to me… Here I stand, before you, already a corpse… Feeling nothing. My un-life breathes so you finish this task. It matters not if you are swift or if you take long… I may even laugh at your attempts to break me. You did it all so long ago, the irony of it! Look at me… Throw your stones… If you dare.

Cupid's arrows... suck

There is no such thing as to actually be in love. The idea that sells everywhere is completely wrong. It is not a matter of eyes falling over the right person and then magic filling all the gaps… Love grows thanks to time wasted on one another, from true caring and giving without expectations. Only by a genuine desire of giving can it begin to take shape, and then a breath of chance may turn what was common and casual into something magical and unique. At this point I ask myself, have I loved in the complete sense of that word? Or have I just responded to a vain emotion that was based in shallow motives… And then comes the diversification of what a need is, of what shallow means and what everyday life offers as opportunities for depth and magical instances.

Once upon a time I would go all the way out in a giving frenzy. Saying I expected nothing is a big fat lie because when you give you always expect something: Gratefulness, thanks, or the same giving from those around you. There is always an alternate motive for every action, and those who do give because of the simple sake of giving are, as we all know, saints. In todays society, giving in exchange of nothing seems an altruism that is very difficult if not impossible to achieve. From childhood we are taught the value of material things, owning is the best way to flaunt success… Manipulation is a natural ability honed by time. Children know plenty about that art, we can seethis in todays children and their ability to get the toys that are in demand… expensive toys that most of the time do not even entertain for real… But as the TV advertises, the expensive packs are the in the popular things… And kids manipulate parents into getting the goodies, to store them or stack then or break them shamelessly… Kids are expected to gain values from school or TV. And the lessons that they keep learning are the ones that feed their egos, the ways of getting all the things they want, mostly without boundaries. Drugs & violence becomes just means of getting what they want. Give and take, no excuses, 24/7. And in the way, squash anything and anyone that tries to get in your way, or that may be a hazard to your goals. A sad thing, but it is true. The hope of the future is in the hands of the small lizards that run the streets today… That is a scary thought in itself. This is not a generation of giving for the sake of giving, for the greater good… And we stand as the victims that once long ago believed in those things but… somehow… stopped believing in the way…

Seems I am ranting… I am ticked off because of all the messages I’ve been getting about love, about friendship, about compassion, about real beauty… Bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Pretty words coming from hollow grounds, hollow souls that doesn’t believe in equality. How can anyone speak of love when there is no forgiveness, when there is no justice, when there is no belief in goodness… How can anyone speak of friendship when whenever someone succeeds people envy and wish the worst for that person instead of being happy for him… How can anyone speak of compassion when there is no kindness in the streets while you drive, or any kindness with beggars and addicts, or no time for the elders… How can they speak of real beauty when all that this society imposes is that you must have all the right curves and muscles or get them under surgery because if you are not what TV and magazines call pretty people then you are not even worth knowing… It’s all bullshit. Messages spread like diseases because of the date that lays ahead, the day of friendship and love… It should be called the day of liars and hypocrites.

Why we need one day to remind us that friendship and love is important? Shouldn’t that be something that we keep in our minds everyday? Consumerism… Motels and infidelity… Chocolate and diamonds… How about faithfulness, truth, faith, sharing the little miracles that happen everyday, sharing joy and tears, sharing life… Silly me… If one flower could erase every sin there would be no place for saints in heaven…

Whatever. I may be too bitter or too sad or too jaded… What is called love has been the most disappointing fantasy in my life. There is no real giving, there is no empathy… Maybe its all because of the things that constantly happen around us, that makes us less trusting, less gullible… Maybe it all has to do with the tooth fairy being exposed as a lie, and santa claus being exposed as a lie, and the 3 kings being exposed as yet another lie… and the easter bunny… and everything that we were taught as pretty ideas of sharing and mirth and that in the end where all lies… Love is like that… A pretty idea that fades with age, as sin and adulthood takes away the shred of innocence and belief… If only we could all stay as kids forever… But then it wouldn’t be so blissful for we would be dancing reggaetón everywhere… Iconic sexism everywhere… Ah, so much for innocence… so much for values… so much for feelings… so much for love…

An egg

I feel like an egg. Ok, that may sound weird, but that’s how I feel… as if something inside of me had changed me and so it has delivered me into a new place of awareness… And so, I am within this egg-shell… a soft, vulnerable layer that shelters me from the world. And inside that layer, I am still developing and arranging all I am and all I want and all I wish. The eyes, the nose, the mouth, the head… the heart… the soul. Inside an eggshell… Growing… Quietly evolving… Helpless but not so… Fragile, but not so… Hatching will come at its time, but not in an hurry… The process must be slow, but certain… So the outcome is perfect.

Knots ending...

A whole week passed away, and any desire to keep on chasing shooting stars died as well. Well, sort of. At least in matters of Gil. He is too at home in his current state, the same state he has been for the past 15 years… He doesn’t get out of his way to prove anything, his comfort zone is not what I visualize in my future, so I said goodbye. I’ll keep wishing the best for him, that someday he will grow up… I know that day is not anytime soon. So I move along with the flow… a bit misty eyed. Since I am not feeling as much as I did, I seem to be at a numb state… Since I didn’t believe at heart, I just seem to be passing the salt and not going deeper into thinking about anything. Hurray, hurray. Next!

I’m deeply worried about where will Stv stay after his family moves along to somewhere else. He will try staying with Sara but that is a temporary solution to a permanent problem. He has no money and no acquaintances… Lovely. I would let him stay in Hormigueros, problem is that he has no car and no means to come down each morning from there. So that option is out of limits. He needs a place that is walking distance from college… and that cannot consume more than $100 a month… That seems harder than finding Neverland… especially with him having no job… and not because of lack of trying…

I wish I could help, but I barely have enough for myself and for solving the ipsy little problems that I have. I wish I could grant more support, but I am a broke dreamer with high standards and high ambitions. The bread of the world is not well divided… But something will come up… something good… It cannot be rain all the time (unless in England). Fat cows, thin cows, fat cows again. That’s the way life is. Someone is always having fun with us Sims…