Thoughts

Sad, dissappointed, frustrated... that starts defining what I feel although it all goes deeper and is much more hurtful. From the core, it is beyond belief that what is suppossed to be my house became this sacred grove for matronism... and so we were forced out because men are bad??? My aunt was actually surprised I chose to be with my husband than staying in the house. It is all so messed up. We left there all we had: time, money, hopes for a beginning... hope for peace... So we had to follow through a gypsy quest... And then the same thing about sadness, dissappointment and frutration comes up. We don't lie, I don't lie... yet it is always the same... we have to explain and explain and we are not believed. Somehow people always think we have other motives, or different versions of a story... The story is what it is. It is true. Day or night, it is the same. We have done as we've had to, not because we want to but because we need to. Nothing behind the truth... Why is it so difficult for people to believe us? It goes beyond upsetting me when people put our words and actions in doubt... Family did that... Friends did that... Helpers did that... When you are transparent and you are giving all you've got it all comes as a sucker punch.

We keep the faith that things will get on  the right track... just... Why must it all be the hard way? Why can't we have a little bit of slack? For someone like me... who is so structured and focused and who always has a plan for everything... it is beyond hard to achieve all that must be done, plus answer questions, plus having to convince people of all we've already said or done is true. I am not a follower, and I am not a sleeper. I am a leader and I am focused on what I want... And I know all I have to do on the way... Somehow people get the vibe that I am something else... I don't know how to change that. My sparkling personality is what it is... and I am defined by all I have experienced... not for the faint of heart.

At least we are together... At least my little family is one. We fought bravely on our fight for our diva. Now, we fight for our new beginning... We know about sacrifice. We know about letting go, and doing what must be done. We know that we have to answer whatever opportunity presents before us. We are not sitting still, wishing for blessings. We are moving, on the hunt, giving all we've got. Sadly it is not too evident as what can be seen is two people who keep on being seated in front of the computer. Truth is that yes... we are two people seated in front of a laptop, filling up job applications more than 10 hours a day. It is a hunt that others cannot acknowledge... Imagination is a fickle thing. But at least we know the truth. I just wish others could see our truth too.

God will land exactly what we need in our lap. Like it or not, He will select what is best for us and will give that to us. It may not be what we want, but I am certain it will be what we need. So it all will be good. In the eantime, we'll keep on moving and doing all that people don't see... We won't sit still, we won't give up.
  

About to go...

I am so frickin tired of so much drama!!!! I am using forces that I don't have to at least leave things in order so it is not as big of a mess as it was when I got here... Cleaning, arranging, trying to do my friggin luggage for tonight... Ugh!!! Really, really... It's just too unnerving and just too much.

Auntie... She is really really out there. Keys vanish, all is my fault, blah blah. Even Kyonne appeared dead. Kali still needs a bath... Me too. I planned to rest a little before taking the plane... Hah! Dream on! This is all too fast and definitively too furious. Saying goodbye to my utopic idea that was broken because of maybe old age... or old habits... or maybe old rages... I wanted to stay to make sure she was taking care of... What came was something very different and unfair. I hate going... But I need peace. I need to care for my family... my husband... my daughter... Another start over. Another quest...

I am so tired... so tired! It is draining and crazy. And now to deal even more with Kali... And just 5 cats to go...

Final rest with Deedee holding me saying all will be fine... What a lovely wish!

All's done

Love, serenity, peace, empathy... concepts that are intangible and that cannot be understood by the little people... or just plain simple it cannot be understood by old people who are angry and sour and irrational. And it hurts so much... It hurst because I don't deserve this. It hursts because we've been through hell and back, fighting for Dee and then loosing her as we did... then having to deal with everything that came with her loss... All of this was worst that fighting the system for her. All this has been a daunting, ugly experience that shattered hopes and dreams and belief in family. All this has left us without words, without feel, without anything... And still, even if we have nothing left to feel or say or do, we must get up and try to go on for the little one who thank goodness cannot understand the turmoil around her...

How can they disguise and lie and change stories so easily like passing the bread? How can something as sacred and pure as is a family be desecrated by so much evil and hate and anger? How can you mistreat someone when you have all evidence in the world that they are good and love you and are there for you and are genuinely trying to make things better? A slap in the face... Another slap as you give the other cheek. It is a slap after a slap after a slap... Why? What it is that we have done that is so bad that makes us deserve such ways?

I know Xmas will never be the same, Deedee made it all beyond beautiful and beyond special... The problem is that she showed us the way. On Xmas eve we will read Twas The Night Before Xmas, and watch movies about Baby Jesus, and go to sleep with wonder of Santa... Next day it was a ceremony to get all dressed up, to see all the gifts, to unwrap and enjoy... and remember the blessings that God gave us. New Years eve was to gather and wait for the new year, the 3 of us... later the 4 of us. We would have background music, and laugh, and take pictures and hold each other... Three Kings Day eve we would improvise what "herbs" to leave for the 3 Kings camels... and we would read the Bible... And go to sleep thinking of the big bright star, and God's biggest gift to mankind... We would wake up to a day of music, enjoying gifts, taking pictures, making videos... All together.

We can't complain about a thing... We knew how to live walking in love's wings.

Now... Coming to PR was the biggest mistake ever. There is no sense of love. Individuals are selfish beyond anything, and if it is not something that affects them directly they don't care. My aunt doesn't want my hubby in the house... since Xmas we were separated... It seems she thinks she "divorced" us. She cursed him... It was 3am on Xmas day when my mother took him away. Ever since, we see each other at day, and Skype at night. For us it has been hard, we have always done things together... we are very united... we are one. Here the vision is very different, there is no path of love. New Year came in, and found us in two different roofs... separated just because an ignorany old woman says so. And today, 3Kings day... The little one opened her presents without daddy... and it is not that daddy is away at war, or dead... no... someone who says loves her would not let him spend the day in the house.

Its pathetic. Its tiresome. Its unfair. I am tired of all this... It is insane. We lost Dee, we lost our stuff, we come here and bury Dee, we don't get time to mourn as everyone start asking for things... We solve problems. We fix. And then We get this... We expected to stay here so we prepared the house without complaints... We looked for jobs and none appeared... We tried to do things right, nothing for free, and put up with the daily arguments of us being leeches... We cope with our damn separation... all for Kali... Only we think of Kali and how it all affects her. We try to make it easy on her, to keep a schedule... which is very hard... Me, I am all screwed up. My neck-arm-back-legs are on the edge and I foresee my spending time in a hospital soon if this doesn't stop. No one cares about my illness, or how I feel. No one cares about Kali's behaviour problems and  how to control them. No one cares if we are together as family in theses specific days... No one cares about Dee not being with us anymore.

I'm done. I've given it all to try solving things, making things smooth... I swallow the bad, try to smile... I'm done. This is destroying me, physically and emotionally. In my whole life I have never felt so helpless and so in despair. There is no purpose here. There is no help. There is no true caring. They just put money in the wound and expect that to make it all better... as if I were for sale... as if my family were for sale. Money can never fill any void, no matter how well it can make your environment. Money gets absorved my emptyness.

Our diva must be really sad when looking at all this from Heaven... I hope she somehow stirs the winds that lift our ship... I hope she guides our new path, our new start with her leading the way. We will always be a family of four. And apparently, we are the only family we've got. In times of troubles you get to see the true colors of people... Our cataclysm left chaos on its wake... but our sigil walks before us, and will help us move on...

This next week my hubby will fly to NJ to get our van... then travel for 2 days to get down to Fl... and then try to make things happen. I hate that I can't just do this with him. I hate that I have to wait until the right signal comes... The plan is 1-2 weeks and then for me to follow the path. May God bless our way, so we can be together and start over our small family... and make real our fondest dreams.