Loosing my religion

Life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up


That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try


Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up


Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try


But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

-REM, Loosing my Religion

Smoke

And through the shadowy stormy night a ray of light comes forth, giving birth to an entity made of swirls of smoke and hope... And just when it tries reaching out to touch you it blows up in smoke. In a burst of light flashes of all the possibilities mock you as they all go on at the speed of thunder. And then nothing. The storm is still there, enwrapped in shadows. And nothing else stands facing it... but you.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul
my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

frozen inside without your touch
without your love darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become

(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie,
there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

-Evanescense, Bring me to life

Resting

The week was too busy for my own comfort. I guess that is why I feel washed-out... Need to gather some energy, for I'll need it next week...

Climb every mountain
Search high and low
Follow every byway
Every path you know

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream
Follow every rainbow
Till you find your dream

A dream that will need
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream
Follow every rainbow
Till you find your dream

A dream that will need
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream
Follow every rainbow
Till you find your dream

-Sound of Music, Climb every mountain

Wish

Yes it feels as confined as it seems. No matter what I see everyone else's lives through a window, and I see all the things unfolding and all I can do is sight... and make believe... and wish... It is all so funny, as I know many would trade their lives for mine... And my life is not as pleasing as it should have been... How a tale could have gone so wrong? Only one character remains as important... only one character survived the trials and waves of despair... surviving but still looking through everybody else's windows... sighting...

From The Little Mermaid, Part of your world

(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me. I just
don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - feet
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?
Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
(What's the word?) burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

All in all I am a mix of a Belle gone wrong and an Ariel from the original mermaid tale... the one with no happy ending...

All in all... I go on... Dream or nightmare, I survive.

Now that you're out of my life
Im so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought i wouldnt grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you
But im smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought i wouldnt sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect Vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
You thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought that it would be over by now
But it wont stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blesses
Bring much sucess, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gona lie on you and you family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Oh (oh) oh (oh)

After all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If i surround myself with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survior (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)


-Destiny's Child, Survivor

Trust

Just introspetive and thoughtful in a way. Calm, bittersweet... Tomorrow seems too far for me, but its just one day ahead... In God I trust.

Song of the lonely

Helping, giving my best, believing... nothing further to do but to put the impossible in the hands of God and go on with life. Thinking too much helps in nothing. He can deal with all these issues better... And He can decide who gets what more fairly and unbiased. So I trust, in His hands I leave everything... and I go on.

When you're standing on the edge of no where
There's only one way up so your heart's got to go there
Through the darkest nights
You see the light shine bright
When heroes fall in love or war they live forever

This is a song for the lonely, can you hear me tonight?
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
Because someone's there for you

Though love don't need a reason
She can pick you up or leave you bleeding
I've seen a strong man cry
I know the reason why
We all forgive, we all forget
We just keep believing

This is a song for the lonely, can you hear me tonight?
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
Because someone's there for you

Dont give up, so let it find you
Just hold on, wherever you may go
Anywhere, I'm right beside you
You don't have to look no more
You don't have to look no more

This is a song for the lonely, can you hear me tonight?
For the broken hearted, battle scarred
I'll be by your side
And this is a song for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
Because someone's there for you

It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

-Cher, This is a song for the lonely

Show me the way

Sad, lost, confused, alone, distressed, sick... what else? I feel trapped in a corner, no more to do, no options available... and this tiresome feeling of wanting to give up but at the same time a could'nt-shouldn't-won't...

Out of words...

Every night I say a prayer in the hopes
that there's a heaven
But every day I'm more confused
as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child
have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside,
so afraid that I've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Please show me the way

And as I slowly drift to sleep,
for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace
in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news
to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign,
so afraid I just won't know

Show me the way, show me the way
Bring me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away
And show me the way

And if I see a light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
And please show me the way

Every night I say a prayer
In the hopes that there's a heaven

-Styx, Show me the way

Banishment Spell

Witch or not, seems that the banishing spell worked its wonders. No trace of the endless ghost for more than a month, which is in reality a breaktrough. I thought he would break his silence in my b-day, but that didn't happen. Seems he found something to spend his leisure time... Whatever.

Keeping on the busy street. Got a letter that may bring hope in the career thing, but wont say much about it following Cinderella's advice "Si se dice un sueño no es fail realizarlo". I'll just cross my fingers, this one is what I deserve.

Been sick, playing nurse, playing druid, playing kitty mom... Being bedridden was a blink of an eye, didnt felt it... Damn, I was that out...

Feeling... Oddly enough, I thought I would be depressed yadda yadda... But I feel good. I feel I reached an important age that will bring me the changes I want and deserve. Don't know why, but I just feel it. My red-blazing phase may be coming to an end, but my Land of Mists will live on forever. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Reality Bites

My life is like a sitcom that I do not watch but live. I know fast is better in my case, but everything moves fast and yet in the end here I am... Little old me, with my issues of glory and fall. What to do? Reflecting on my youth and childhood has been of no help. I still feel as the ugly duckling that I was then... People always make a point of making you feel your worst. Suck it up, stand bravely facing the enemy... Inside I am broken, and feel that no matter how much I try, no matter how much I accomplish, I will always be the one laughed at... in every situation...

I wish for once to have the charms to make anyone say something beautiful to me... just once. But that is wishful thinking. I wish I could feel I am a complete woman in every sense, but eah passing day I feel worst... Women make comments out of gossip and hatred, and men talk to me as if I were one of them, everywhere. No matter how much I try to make them understand I am a lady, believe it or not, noone reacts to that. So I am Lady Cellophane... Pass right through me, you'll never know I'm there... Of what use is a brain and a heart, when todays society burns at the stake anyone who is not by its standards?

If I need to be an anorexic bitch to get attention, I'll never get attention. I dont have a problem with my looks, everyone else does. And I really dont care, but it bugs a lot, both at proffessional and personal levels. Seems I dont get what I want because my wrapping is not what is acepted as appealing in this cursed society. I know... I have the grace of a rhino, the charm of a hag and the loveliness of a frog. I'm screwed for life... And this knowledge doesnt help my overall feelings about LIFE in general.

Whatever. Seems I am my only greatest fan, and that should do. My sadness remains... But I guess I am used to it by now. And still, I wish for love...

I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last I see

I hear it fading, I can't speak it
Or else you will dig my grave
You feel them finding, always whining
Take my hand now be alive

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone?

I'm over it
Why can't we be together embrace it?
Sleeping so long taking off the mask
At last I see

My fear is fading, I can't speak it
Or else you will dig my grave
You feel them finding, always whining
Take my hand now be alive

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone?

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone?

Everyone
Everyone

-David Draiman of Disturbed, Forsaken

I'll Remember

I stand today, few people have shaped me into a mix of things both good and bad... But from the few it was all enough to make me, as a present entity, as my own. To them all, my thanks and eternal gratitude. Life has turned me into a woman, like it or not... but one who feels passionately for all her inner ideals, and who strives to achieve enlightment... in my own terms... never loosing the wonder and innocense of a child, yet blending it with the wisdom of adulthood.

I have not asked for anything, in truth... I am all I am without need of explanations. I am my whole world before anything else, I am in love with my ways and that will never change. I am proud of being me wherever I stand, as I can look at anyone straight into their eyes and smile... because I have always been truthful to myself first, because I do not settle. I am beautiful inside out upside down, and whoever doesn't see that... to hell with them!

And so... As of now... I take all my memories and wrap them up in silk papers, tying them up with some thorny vines, and putting them inside a vault... a safe that is to be locked through time... so someday I visit old memories again, and sight again, and smile while crying again... just because they happenned.


SAY GOODBYE
NOT KNOWING WHEN
THE TRUTH IN MY WHOLE LIFE BEGAN
SAY GOODBYE
NOT KNOWING HOW TO CRY
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT

AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE STRENGHT THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU SAVED ME
I'LL REMEMBER

INSIDE I WAS A CHILD
THAT COULD NOT MEND A BROKEN WING
OUTSIDE I LOOKED FOR A WAY
TO TEACH MY HEART TO SING

AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME
I'LL REMEMBER

I LEARNED
TO LET GO
OF THE ILLUSION
THAT WE CAN POSSESS
I LEARNED TO LET GO
I TRAVEL IN STILLNESS
I'LL REMEMBER HAPPINESS
I'LL REMEMBER

AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME
I'LL REMEMBER

NOW I'LL NEVER BE AFRAID TO CRY
NOW I FINALLY HAVE THE REASON WHY
I'LL REMEMBER
(REPEAT TO END)

-Madonna, I'll Remember

Human Nature

Irreverent, sarcastic, blunt... with a spoonful of sugar if you are nice... I just love this song.

Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say
You didn't want to see life through my eyes
[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies
[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]

Did I say something wrong?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I stay too long?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind
[What was I thinking]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

You punished me for telling you my fantasies
I'm breakin' all the rules I didn't make
[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down and tried to make me break
[Express yourself, don't repress yourself]

Did I say something true?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you
[What was I thinking]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself

Did I say something true?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you
[What was I thinking]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

[I'm not apologizing]
[Would it sound better if I were a man?]
[You're the one with the problem]
[Why don't you just deal with it]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

[Would you like me better if I was?]
[We all feel the same way]
[I have no regrets]
[Just look in the mirror]

And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
It's human nature
[it's human nature]
And I'm not sorry
[I'm not sorry]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me
[it's human nature]

[I don't have to justify anything]
[I'm just like you]
[Why should I be?]
[Deal with it]

-Madonna, Human Nature

From the lost vaults of Jem & the Holograms, a song from the two young outcasts of the Holograms and the Misfits... Gosh, I went REALLY back, didnt I?

I'm Okay
Sometimes I feel so alone at loose ends
Sometimes don’t know where to turn
Or who to call my friend

But I’m okay, I’m okay
I have faith in myself
I’m okay, I’m okay
I’m gonna make it through the day
I’m okay

Sometimes I go through so much in my mind
Sometimes the space that I need
Is no place I can find

But I’m okay, I’m okay
I have faith in myself
I’m okay, I’m okay
I’m gonna make it through the day
I’m okay

But I’m okay, I’m okay
I have faith in myself
I’m okay, I’m okay
I’m gonna make it through the day
I’m okay
I’m okay
I’m okay
I’m okay

-Stormer&Kimber, I'm Okay

Only You

The week full of hassle and running, and so I had not stopped to think. Pills work too well in weekdays, especially when you are focused on a nemesis and work instead of your own pitiful life... And in Saturday night I just reviewed what has passed along... and I find an old gift that appears again, and this time I read it, and an ocean of tears come along. And I ask myself so many things that years still cannot get out of my mind and heart. And I am pulled towards the black hole again no matter how much I warn myself against it.

Sometimes an effort may be well intended, but the outcome may not be so nice. And although one remembers in both disdain and awe,the outcome still hurts... How come errors from our youth bend our paths in such wicked ways that even true love is denied? How come past imperfect still rules present imperfect... and breaks heart and soul just like that... Assertive, oh yes... Always the lawyer in matters of thought and rules...But when the heart speaks, mute he stays, weak... as the luck of the draw changes wide. I have never been the one, and I will never be the one. I know my dark place, my nowhere wherever I stand. Somehow, little things that seems nothing are everything... A constant in my head for so many years... A constant in my heart and soul so many years... Being made small by the someone you love ain't funny and is against my nature, and yet, I allow it... beause I rather play a small inconsequential part in his life than none at all... because he makes me a better person... because he has been my truest friend... How's that thought for you?

In everyone's life I am only the card that exists as a fool. I've had deep feelings for my lovers, and spurn has been their choice of affection. And in all the feelings that constrict my heart, I would still give my life for each of you... a fool indeed... Maybe I do deserve my fate, because my stupidity and my belief in lost dreams are children's games...

There has never been a fairy godmother, or a sprite, or dragons. There has never been a genius, a creator, a fountain of inspiration. There is just me... Little old me, with little old faded beliefs and little old faded dreams of a knight in shining armor that will one day come and rescue me from the evil embrace of LIFE. There are no knights left. There is no magic. There is nothing worth living in this lifetime. A beautiful mind and a beautiful soul somehow is not enough when it comes to the real world. I always loose. In Ravenloft the mists never rest, they always ARE even if they seem gone.


To a ghost that lurks now and then in this realm:
I never speak of you to anyone not even in here..., but you are always the one I love the most, the only one I respect the most, the only one whom I consider my equal... the only one that stings the most. And this whole past months, my increasing sadness has been deeply tied to you. Just so you know. Not Tril, not Groundel. You, the forbidden subject. And I am shattered by your hand all the time. There is no cure for that.

I'll take my happy pills on Monday. Nevermind.