I am so mad and so upset that no words can start to describe things, not even in a slight way. My tolerance has reached 0, and I just see that no matter what is said or done things go back to the same square one that brings on an age issue and all the possible speeches about stupidity.
Me... I am doing beyond my best to try solving all problems. I got myself into 3 classes just because we needed the loan money to survive right now. I am job hunting more than 8 hours a day, stressed about that... stressed about the classes... stressed about our current living conditions (what living? we are just as college students...). There's no real acknowledgement for my efforts, honestly... I can stay up all night doing what I have to just because I have to... not because I want to, not because I love to... I see my days go by in the same shit, trying to get off it and drowning even more without any actual ray of hope that things will get better. They can't get worst... It has already been worst. It was the worst in my whole life that day in the early morning in the damn hospital... From that moment on everything really is peachy. Still... the drowning doesn't stop, but it also doesn't just get over it.
Really... Really! So many chances, so many excuses, so much pushing and sacrifices and just going on for the sake of going on, because something good will come from it all in the end. And now... Is this the end? What is so good or thrilling about it? And what is left of me... of anything and anyone that has to do with me? How can I support behaviors that are childish, that doesn't help in any way, that don't make sense and that ultimately brings on the last stand? Because, really... a last stand is in the horizon and unless some sort of miracle happens it will be imminent and catastrophic, and Middle Earth will never be the same. I see promises not kept. I see excuses all around. I see lack of motivation, lack of compromise, lack of doing. It is time to rise from the ashes and just turn to the world and unleash the Phoenix... Let it be pure rage, pure emotion... just pure. From the ashes, lets just start there... And either create or destroy, nevermore, forevermore. I am so tired, so wronged in so many ways... I say it is enough. It all reached the point of no return. What's it gonna be? What say you?
My silent mask has shattered and it is showing all pieces of me... pieces... It is all that is left. The jigsaw can be put together, but the edges will always be broken and will always tell the terrible tale... of beauty turned to ashes... of the deepest sorrow that just turns into a lovely weeping willow that goes on but marks the landscape with eerie mystery and awe. How to deal with this all? How to keep on in a straight path when all you want to do is pull away and just walk... walk... walk. Just walk. Wishing thoughts could just freeze, wishing life would just fade, wishing for the comfort of complete numbness and silence. Silence.
