Ch11... Death of a Sith

He gets pissed at me because I ‘lied” to him, he says I lied to him because Stv traveled with me and I said I was going alone. I had said I was gonna see my father alone. I had not even mentioned any park because I didn’t knew if I could actually go to any park at all and just wanted to avoid a fight over that matter… a stupid fight if I may add. When I was in my fathers house I called him to let him know I missed him, and he ended up arguing about the same shit… I cried that whole night and I had to put myself together and smile the day after… Thinking of him all the time is not enough. Nothing I do will ever be enough. I am tired of explaining myself ESPECIALLY when I have nothing to hide because I did nothing BAD. I went to Orlando to meet with my best friend and we had a wonderful time that whole week at Disney and Universal. It’s called vacation. I needed a break from all the bull, so I went for it. I was not gonna loose the tickets my father gave me last year, and I made many sacrifices to get the money for it. I deserved to have a good time, and I did. Without drugs, alcohol or sex. Clean, childlike fun, because that’s the fun I like And guess what? I loved it. I want more.

I called today to get the definite answer on what he’s gonna do… And I get these lame speeches of me living with another man… I am beyond tired of that bull, I am tired of all the words, I am tired of all I do wrong… He went with his lady friend and her family to Disney and I had to stand it. He always puts his friends first and I had to stand it. I go get the vacation I deserve and it is so wrong… Well, fuck it! He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to swallow it. I had FUN and I laughed and I forgot about all my worries for a complete week and I LOVED IT! For one week I felt alive. That’s priceless. So… He wants to believe I lie, he wants to believe I cheat, he wants to believe I have a master plan to screw his life and afterlife… Whatever. I know his beliefs have always been stupid, he has issues and is not so faithful to his medication… His mind is crap. His thoughts are full of crap… And he says that if I truly love him I’ll go live alone. He doesn’t care about anything else, he is the same brat that wants everything his way because his ways and his thoughts and his life are the only right answer to anything… WRONG.

I HAVE a life. It may not be perfect, but it is CLEAN and nice. I am proud of who I am, what I do, how I think and the people around me who may not be perfect BUT they have been there all the time, genuinely, just because they can. I am not thinking romance, and I am thinking CHANGE and CREATION and projects… I am not stale. If I achieve my happiness, it will be because of the steps I have built towards it. Happiness is not something someone will give me. It is something you achieve on your own. I would like to find love in the way… But I am not inclined towards giving my heart just because of impulse or fear or whatever other reason people can think of… When the timing is right, God will bring to me the One. I am not into chasing ghosts or dreams in matters of romance. Whoever sticks with me to the end and accepts me and worships me, then THAT is the one who will win me forever… Heart and soul.

I cried… No more. I am tired of crying.

10.0 version

What is love? How important it is to make your life whole? I say Damn if u love and damned if you don't BECAUSE it is THAT important. Love moves the world. Love achieves the impossible, fuels the greatest emotions... and the lack of it is responsible for the greatest tragedies. Love in the whole sense... Love for family, for friends, for work, for animals, for people, for strangers, for life, for faith...

I am an ever-lasting romantic, and I'm proud of it. Love makes me stand tall and take anything as long as a goal is reached, a goal that leads towards goodness, prosperity, smiling faces... I am a believer in the greater good, even if it seems unfair to the minority, even if it demands bigger sacrifices... One person can make the difference in everyone who touches his/her life. I believe I make a difference in one way or the other. I believe I make people aware of the importance of the gifts of life, of the importance of communication, tolerance, patience, hard work, honesty, faith and hope.

I love. And my love has no ending. And all the ones I love deserve my life for their own in case such an extreme should take place... And to all I love I place an altar and light incense and red and white candles, and I place white roses at their feet. I love with purity, with truth, with childlike innocense. Time may pass, years may take its toll, but the ones I keep inside my heart go on... prevail against all odds... My love for all of them grows stronger with each passing second. And it may include some pain, but the journey is plain beautiful.

My greatest love, my aunt. She gave me the gift of self. Thanks to her I have no doubts of who I am, who I was meant to be... She gave me the wings so I could fly high, and it didn't matter to her that in the process she stopped being her own.

The family I chose, my second love... Be it Sti, Alex, Sara and Gil. Friends of the best kind, through fire and ice, through storm and bliss. My love for all of them has no boundaries and no regrets.

The friends I chose, my third love... Be it Joe, Maria, Anthony, Carlos... True friends who are there selflessly whenever they are needed or whenever they are in need.

My family, my fourth love... Be it my sisters, brothers, parents and all of the " supporting cast"... I am reachable. I am here.

My co-workers, and the people who becomes "one time actors" in my life... I learn from each angel and each demon that crosses my path, and I acknowledge rightness and truth from them all. You all have my smile.

Nature, creatures big and small... Even spiders and roaches... They all have a purpose, and they go on doing things not thinking about it... There is much to learn from the so called animals, from the ways Nature divides her time to nurture and saw, to die and be reborn. The greatest lesson of all... There is no death without birth... There is a constant reinvention of body and soul.

And God... my sixth love. The presence that walks in my shoes and thinks my own thoughts and allows me to breath His own air... The schemer of higuer plans, higuer purposes... The master of True Love.

I don't know what moved me to write this... Love has given me sadness 95% of the time, and it has been harsh and cruel with me... But the 5% that it granted gives me enough reason to believe... to stand strong... to be reborn... It is not what I receive, but giving selflessly... Giving for myself... And I do. And it doesn't matter if no one sees it... I know. I can die anytime and know I give all I have, and hope has never left me because of that. So my plans are always broken... it matters not. What matters is the Journey... And in the end, I will get the enlightment I search. Happiness is loving what you are, loving all around you, and having the time to step out of the picture and enjoy it.

I have achieved many things by now... and I intend to grasp the meaning of happiness even if I dont really have a mate to share it with. It saddens me that in matters of couple-love the ones I have chosen have not loved me enough or have failed me so... But just because it saddens me it doesn't mean I love them less or that I am not happy for the things they achieve... I wish I had been the choice in matters of being important, but there is no point on dwelling in the past. The future is not certain, and the present is the gift that matters. Love. I have loved. I will love. I LOVE.

Can you?

Ch9.5

The dream is ever present, it doesnt fade, it is almost tangible and savory... A mirage or truth? Who can tell... Soon, crossways... Times for decisions that will change my life as a whole. Well, life changes every second anyway...

Ch 9 A new hope

Perhaps... who knows... it must end full circle. I believe, I dream... I left as unatainable... who knows... perhaps... it will end... full circle...

Love never dies...