Stv: He quitted his job, again. He says that it was just a summer job... bullshit... but ok... How he expects to live? I dunno. His finding another job seems like something he won't do... Well, he says he will... We'll see... He said he'll meet me when I get out of work, at home. Let's see how tonight unfolds...
G: Last night he called to invite me to lunch. I declined.
Taz: Sent him the tatoo design. And two other pics for inspiration on celtic and amulet inking. Thought about meeting him thi weekend, but he's moving so I'll leave it to a better occassion. No rush.
Marie: HAd lunch with her. I liked her very much. She's very sensible, interesting and down to earth. LOL She studied in Milagrosa. Vivid, and no bull. Who knows, maybe we can be friends... She is someone I would like to get to know better. :D
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Stupid people dont get things right
Gil: He called last night. In the middle of a decent conversation he starts being stupid. His mentioning that everything was my fault because of Stv being there, that I was the one that messed things up, that I was the one that had all faults inflated my anger. I told him, if this is his idea of getting a lady he better take the course again. Because i did nothing wrong, contraire to him... He always lied behind my back to go with his friends, and partied on and got drunk and did drugs... Oh, but it was years back when he was young! Fuck the story of years back! We are talking 4-6 years back, not ages ago! And I've been standing all his bull for 15 years... And it is so hard for him to swallow that I took Stv for trip... wow... Like he didnt go in a trip w/ his friend... Like he didnt plan his grad trip without taking me into account... well, he never takes me into account... Like he doesnt actually enjoy handling women in his so-called job... Gimme a break. Im not dumb. Im not naive. The old nun is gone. I used to be innocent, trusting, good... but he changed it. He changed everything. And his lies and mistreatment and attitude has made me resentful, intolerant, angry, bitchy, a hater of the male breed. Yup, breed. Men are dogs. They are only good for bed, eating and sleeping... oh, and shitting.
Stv: He doesnt love me now. That may change. He sees me as a sister. He fucks me like a dog in heat. But he doesnt love me, its just sex. And he is not attracted to me. Im like a sister... And he kisses me. Ok... Then I guess he's a very disturbed guy that is into incest? WTF? Oh, he wants to make sure hes not w/me out of routine. He wants to make sure he loves me. As a woman. In the meanwhile, he passes by, we go out eat, we watch movies, we fuck, he goes home because he doesnt feel comfortable in my home... We are brothers... WTF? It's been an entire month of this bullshit. From the 26th that he left, to the 26th on July... a whole month... of wtf? of stupid things that he has in his stupid brain... He wants no compromise? Just to fuck? Fine. I can play that game. But then why he gets so jealous whenever G is mentioned... even knowing G is anoying me and I am no longer so interested in that child-mother relationship? I dont get Stv either. I'm getting fed up. I thought he was different, but no... he's a man... eat, shit, sleep, fuck. That's it.
Taz: I seem to like this guy. Mostly its lust. I like how he is, in a primal way. Want to meet him just to get it over with, and see if there can be more. Dont want to waste my time with what ifs. To the point, and if it works... good... if it doesn't... it was allright.
Marie: Just met her. Writing to each other. Want to meet her. I'm getting more convinced each day that lesbians are the best companions, because they know what it is like to be a woman.
Yes, that's the big deep thought of the day... Want a man to fuck, want a woman to love. I guess thats the cruelest truth about it all... Because men are good for one thing only: sex. Women are too deep to be described in words.
Can anyone prove me wrong?
Anyone?
10-4
Stv: He doesnt love me now. That may change. He sees me as a sister. He fucks me like a dog in heat. But he doesnt love me, its just sex. And he is not attracted to me. Im like a sister... And he kisses me. Ok... Then I guess he's a very disturbed guy that is into incest? WTF? Oh, he wants to make sure hes not w/me out of routine. He wants to make sure he loves me. As a woman. In the meanwhile, he passes by, we go out eat, we watch movies, we fuck, he goes home because he doesnt feel comfortable in my home... We are brothers... WTF? It's been an entire month of this bullshit. From the 26th that he left, to the 26th on July... a whole month... of wtf? of stupid things that he has in his stupid brain... He wants no compromise? Just to fuck? Fine. I can play that game. But then why he gets so jealous whenever G is mentioned... even knowing G is anoying me and I am no longer so interested in that child-mother relationship? I dont get Stv either. I'm getting fed up. I thought he was different, but no... he's a man... eat, shit, sleep, fuck. That's it.
Taz: I seem to like this guy. Mostly its lust. I like how he is, in a primal way. Want to meet him just to get it over with, and see if there can be more. Dont want to waste my time with what ifs. To the point, and if it works... good... if it doesn't... it was allright.
Marie: Just met her. Writing to each other. Want to meet her. I'm getting more convinced each day that lesbians are the best companions, because they know what it is like to be a woman.
Yes, that's the big deep thought of the day... Want a man to fuck, want a woman to love. I guess thats the cruelest truth about it all... Because men are good for one thing only: sex. Women are too deep to be described in words.
Can anyone prove me wrong?
Anyone?
10-4
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Bye Bye Baby
This is not a love song
Bye bye baby
I keep on waiting, anticipating
But I can't wait forever
You say you love me
You're thinking of me
But we're never together
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
This time we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
You had your chances
All your romances
And now I just don't want you
I know I love you because I hate you
And now I'd rather haunt you
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
You're so beautiful
What makes you feel exciting?
What wakes you up inside?
Does it make you feel good to see me cry?
I think it does
That's why it's time to say bye bye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
I don't wanna keep the bright flame
Of your ego going
So I'll just stop blowin' in the wind
To love you is a sin
Adios
Uh, this is not a love song
I'd like to hurt you
What excites you? What turns you on?
What makes you feel good?
Does it make you feel good to see me cry?
I think it does
That's why it's time to say goodbye
Bye bye
The first time and the last time
You can forget about it baby
Forget the rules, forget the fools
Forget your fears, forget my tears
You can forget about it baby, bye bye baby bye bye
You can forget about it baby
'Cause it's the first time and the last time
You'll ever see me cry
You f*cked it up
-Madonna, ByeBye Baby
Bye bye baby
I keep on waiting, anticipating
But I can't wait forever
You say you love me
You're thinking of me
But we're never together
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
This time we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
You had your chances
All your romances
And now I just don't want you
I know I love you because I hate you
And now I'd rather haunt you
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
You're so beautiful
What makes you feel exciting?
What wakes you up inside?
Does it make you feel good to see me cry?
I think it does
That's why it's time to say bye bye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
Bye bye baby bye bye
It's your turn to cry
That's why we have to say goodbye
So say goodbye
I don't wanna keep the bright flame
Of your ego going
So I'll just stop blowin' in the wind
To love you is a sin
Adios
Uh, this is not a love song
I'd like to hurt you
What excites you? What turns you on?
What makes you feel good?
Does it make you feel good to see me cry?
I think it does
That's why it's time to say goodbye
Bye bye
The first time and the last time
You can forget about it baby
Forget the rules, forget the fools
Forget your fears, forget my tears
You can forget about it baby, bye bye baby bye bye
You can forget about it baby
'Cause it's the first time and the last time
You'll ever see me cry
You f*cked it up
-Madonna, ByeBye Baby
Hmmm
Stv: Was here last night. Doesnt want to come back. Says hes afraid of being hurt again. Says he doesnt feel comfortable here. Says this aint his home no more. Says sometimes he loves me, sometimes he doesnt. Says he wants to be certain he aint just used to have me around. Says... Says... Says... Bleh.
G: Single call each two days to see how I am and then hang up. I wonder... if he wonders... when I stop caring...
Manny: Wondering why I dont write to him... Well, asswipe, you called me a tomboy because I woulnd go sleep with you... Duh!
Taz: Black, professional, intelligent, seductive... Into tatoos and piercings... May I growl? LOL If only he were not so far...
Shadow: I see why he feels as he feels about something... It is obvious he doesnt love her. It is obvious she loves him. And somehow she was kinda making a point out of it... Whatever. He's like an Anthony for me, I may be the advisor but not the player. Kapish?
G: Single call each two days to see how I am and then hang up. I wonder... if he wonders... when I stop caring...
Manny: Wondering why I dont write to him... Well, asswipe, you called me a tomboy because I woulnd go sleep with you... Duh!
Taz: Black, professional, intelligent, seductive... Into tatoos and piercings... May I growl? LOL If only he were not so far...
Shadow: I see why he feels as he feels about something... It is obvious he doesnt love her. It is obvious she loves him. And somehow she was kinda making a point out of it... Whatever. He's like an Anthony for me, I may be the advisor but not the player. Kapish?
Monday, July 25, 2005
Waiting
Yesterday he was going to his friend house, to play some cards. Ok. That was gonna be early… So after dark I waited… Yes, I actually waited… Why? Because on Saturday we made love, and all in all he said things would get better, and I believed him… And so I waited… Midnight arrived… The small gathering must have been something. He didn’t have time to pass by… He had to go fast and report to his new family… No time to call me… From where, he has no phone… Tomorrow is his birthday. He’ll come tomorrow. And with that thought I slept… Holding dearly to a jacket that belonged to him… And I dreamed of him.
So today arrived. I felt happy, and got ready for I knew he would appear by midday… Midday came and went… And I waited. Its his birthday… They must have bought him a cake or something… His new family… He must be playing that new game he bought… I waited. The afternoon passed… Could it be he had work today? But he didn’t call me… He would have… Nah, he must be playing… He’ll arrive at 6. And so, I waited. The time passed away… 6, 7, 8… He’s not coming.
Slowly I undress myself, taking off that special corsé… Taking of that special goth makeup… He’s not coming… And so arrived 9 and 10… And no one opened the door. And no one smiled and embraced me… Happy birthday… My love… Because I do love you… Not even a birthday wish can I give now…
And here I am… Cannot eat, cannot sleep… All I do is ache. All I do is think of how foolish I am, believing where no belief exists, expecting to be important when I am no more… Loving when all he did was sex. That’s all I am now… Just an object to look for when in need, but not the lover and companion with whom a commitment existed… An object… That loves… And never receives even an I love you from those she has loved… An object that breathes... And waits...
So today arrived. I felt happy, and got ready for I knew he would appear by midday… Midday came and went… And I waited. Its his birthday… They must have bought him a cake or something… His new family… He must be playing that new game he bought… I waited. The afternoon passed… Could it be he had work today? But he didn’t call me… He would have… Nah, he must be playing… He’ll arrive at 6. And so, I waited. The time passed away… 6, 7, 8… He’s not coming.
Slowly I undress myself, taking off that special corsé… Taking of that special goth makeup… He’s not coming… And so arrived 9 and 10… And no one opened the door. And no one smiled and embraced me… Happy birthday… My love… Because I do love you… Not even a birthday wish can I give now…
And here I am… Cannot eat, cannot sleep… All I do is ache. All I do is think of how foolish I am, believing where no belief exists, expecting to be important when I am no more… Loving when all he did was sex. That’s all I am now… Just an object to look for when in need, but not the lover and companion with whom a commitment existed… An object… That loves… And never receives even an I love you from those she has loved… An object that breathes... And waits...
Contradictions
Stv: Spent the whole Saturday with him. Morning and afternoon and movies at night. It all was good, unexpeted, beautiful... And it ended with his going away once more. I cried. I cannot go on with this. I die every time he turns his back and leaves me. I think I have a place that I no longer have... I am so childlike and foolish, bekieving he can love me... believing he can be the man I dreamed he could be... believing I can be all he wants... I am no longer in his list of priorities. I am the one that is there... waiting... a ghost. He will let time pass, and he will forget the memory of me... He will go on without me. And I... I will fade into nothingness... This is my reward for loving inconditionally. This is my reward after so many years of putting up with his hitting me, his fights, his personality shifts, his carelessness and his demons. In the end, I am tossed aside.
Gil: Cold. Really cold. I feel nothing. He tries once a week to do something nice, but he doesnt get once a week is childs play. It is not enough. Maybe its all hes got, but it aint filling what I need. I am a woman now. I am sorry that I cannot play the game anymore. Missed chance. Everything doesnt matter anymore.
Luis: God! He pushed himself swiftly towards the cliff, and jumped to a frefall of death. Since I said no to his subtle invitation for a getaway... meaning having sex for 3 days somewhere in the island... he lashed at me saying Im a tomboy and un-feminine. Well... Since that was his conclusion I just erased him easily of my friends list. I may be many things but I am a complete woman.
Feeling: I feel bad. Tired. Sick. The turmoil taxed me. The way things turned out, the ending with Stv... It is too unbearable. I dont understand his distress. I dont understand why he can go on as if nothing happenned and I cant. I dont understand how he can live without me when I cannot live without him. I cannot understand how he cannot say he loves me, while I love him so... I'm loosing my breath in this vendabal... I'm loosing my strenght and my will to live. Sad... Love dies. Love is not eternal. Love is such a fragile child. Love... Kills.
Gil: Cold. Really cold. I feel nothing. He tries once a week to do something nice, but he doesnt get once a week is childs play. It is not enough. Maybe its all hes got, but it aint filling what I need. I am a woman now. I am sorry that I cannot play the game anymore. Missed chance. Everything doesnt matter anymore.
Luis: God! He pushed himself swiftly towards the cliff, and jumped to a frefall of death. Since I said no to his subtle invitation for a getaway... meaning having sex for 3 days somewhere in the island... he lashed at me saying Im a tomboy and un-feminine. Well... Since that was his conclusion I just erased him easily of my friends list. I may be many things but I am a complete woman.
Feeling: I feel bad. Tired. Sick. The turmoil taxed me. The way things turned out, the ending with Stv... It is too unbearable. I dont understand his distress. I dont understand why he can go on as if nothing happenned and I cant. I dont understand how he can live without me when I cannot live without him. I cannot understand how he cannot say he loves me, while I love him so... I'm loosing my breath in this vendabal... I'm loosing my strenght and my will to live. Sad... Love dies. Love is not eternal. Love is such a fragile child. Love... Kills.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
"Dear Jessie"
Baby face don't grow so fast
Make a special wish that will always last
Rub this magic lantern
He will make your dreams come true for you
Ride the rainbow to the other side
Catch a falling star and then take a ride
To the river that sings and the clover that
Brings good luck to you, it's all true
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
If the land of make believe
Is inside your heart it will never leave
There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait
And dancing moons, for you
Close your eyes and you'll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
Your dreams are made inside the love parade
It's a holiday inside the love parade
On the merry-go-round of lovers and white turtle doves
Leprechauns floating by, this is your lullaby
Sugarplum fingertips kissing your honey lips
Close your eyes sleepy head, is it time for your bed
Never forget what I said, hang on you're already there
Close your eyes and you'll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
-Madonna, Dear Jessie
Make a special wish that will always last
Rub this magic lantern
He will make your dreams come true for you
Ride the rainbow to the other side
Catch a falling star and then take a ride
To the river that sings and the clover that
Brings good luck to you, it's all true
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
If the land of make believe
Is inside your heart it will never leave
There's a golden gate where the fairies all wait
And dancing moons, for you
Close your eyes and you'll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
Your dreams are made inside the love parade
It's a holiday inside the love parade
On the merry-go-round of lovers and white turtle doves
Leprechauns floating by, this is your lullaby
Sugarplum fingertips kissing your honey lips
Close your eyes sleepy head, is it time for your bed
Never forget what I said, hang on you're already there
Close your eyes and you'll be there
Where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair
Like a fountain of gold you can never grow old
Where dreams are made, your love parade
Pink elephants and lemonade, dear Jessie
Hear the laughter running through the love parade
Candy kisses and a sunny day, dear Jessie
See the roses raining on the love parade
-Madonna, Dear Jessie
Friday, July 22, 2005
Who knew?
I feel alone but not lonely.
I feel at peace with myself.
Who I am. Unique jack of all trades that has a myriad of interests, a never ending quest for knowledge... A dreamer even in death. A believer even if there seems to be no Hope. I am beauty in darkness.
What I want. Self-enlightment. True love. To travel the world with my soulmste. To dream forever and believe forever that there is goodness out there... the hard part is finding it.
What I have done so far...
BSBA, MBA... work xp 9 yrs, painting xp 20+ yrs
Travel to Florida (Disney, Universal), Texas, Tennessee, NewJersey.
Have 8 cats.
Completed paying my car.
Stable job with permanency... Should be a good thing...
Goals.
2005 Get my house in Hormigueros. Go to the Gore Getaway: Universal Horror Nights in October
2006 Mardi Gras at Louisiana with the Madame Lavau tour. Must take the test so I can enroll in graduate program for August. Enroll in the UIA for either a MFA Painting or PhD in Psicology or International Interregional Businesses...
2007 Route of Salem (Massachusstes), Coney Island, Niagara falls, NY Museum and historical landmarks
2008 SouthAmerica Getaway: New Years Eve in Brazil. Visit Peru's MachuPichu. And Antartica.
2009 Central America: Pyramids. All the ones in the place.
2010 Europe: Castles... Gotta take pics of all castles!
2011 Graduation? Tour to Japan/Vietnam/Hawaii/Australia
2012 Egypt and tour South Africa
2013 Tour India & Russia... I'm 40, so following a bet I nade more than 20 years ago, I'll ask Alex to marry me... LOL He better pray he is dead by then.
2014 England, Finnish lands... Castles, alien sites... Wheeeeeee!
2015 I should be 42 years old... And I should have travelled the world by now. Its been 10 years since I went to Walt Disney World, so I'm going back if the AlQuaeda hasn't blown it yet.
1016 If by now I am not married, I will adopt two kids at this point. Deirdre and Vincent. And so, the next 20 years will be dedicated to my work, to being creative and raising kids... Awwww, I'll be a mommy at last... Shoot me... Anybody?
1036 I am 63. My cat companions are 13, and I have a nice black panther as my guardian... My home is a castle surrounding by gothic structures and enhanced by a lovely pool in which my kids throw parties and stuff. I throw the Halloween Bash each year by now... So that's my legacy to them. LOL
1046 I am 73 years old... Damn, I simply outdid myself! I was suppossed to die when I reach my 40th b-day... Please no more candles! And stop putting kitty hair in my tomato soup! LOL I'll start building the mausoleum where I should be buried... In the house's garden... surrounded by all kitty tombs. My manor name is Cat Red. Beware, some houses are born wicked... And if I die, I'll be back. Buahahahahah!
Ok... This is hopefully no LSD. LOL
I feel at peace with myself.
Who I am. Unique jack of all trades that has a myriad of interests, a never ending quest for knowledge... A dreamer even in death. A believer even if there seems to be no Hope. I am beauty in darkness.
What I want. Self-enlightment. True love. To travel the world with my soulmste. To dream forever and believe forever that there is goodness out there... the hard part is finding it.
What I have done so far...
BSBA, MBA... work xp 9 yrs, painting xp 20+ yrs
Travel to Florida (Disney, Universal), Texas, Tennessee, NewJersey.
Have 8 cats.
Completed paying my car.
Stable job with permanency... Should be a good thing...
Goals.
2005 Get my house in Hormigueros. Go to the Gore Getaway: Universal Horror Nights in October
2006 Mardi Gras at Louisiana with the Madame Lavau tour. Must take the test so I can enroll in graduate program for August. Enroll in the UIA for either a MFA Painting or PhD in Psicology or International Interregional Businesses...
2007 Route of Salem (Massachusstes), Coney Island, Niagara falls, NY Museum and historical landmarks
2008 SouthAmerica Getaway: New Years Eve in Brazil. Visit Peru's MachuPichu. And Antartica.
2009 Central America: Pyramids. All the ones in the place.
2010 Europe: Castles... Gotta take pics of all castles!
2011 Graduation? Tour to Japan/Vietnam/Hawaii/Australia
2012 Egypt and tour South Africa
2013 Tour India & Russia... I'm 40, so following a bet I nade more than 20 years ago, I'll ask Alex to marry me... LOL He better pray he is dead by then.
2014 England, Finnish lands... Castles, alien sites... Wheeeeeee!
2015 I should be 42 years old... And I should have travelled the world by now. Its been 10 years since I went to Walt Disney World, so I'm going back if the AlQuaeda hasn't blown it yet.
1016 If by now I am not married, I will adopt two kids at this point. Deirdre and Vincent. And so, the next 20 years will be dedicated to my work, to being creative and raising kids... Awwww, I'll be a mommy at last... Shoot me... Anybody?
1036 I am 63. My cat companions are 13, and I have a nice black panther as my guardian... My home is a castle surrounding by gothic structures and enhanced by a lovely pool in which my kids throw parties and stuff. I throw the Halloween Bash each year by now... So that's my legacy to them. LOL
1046 I am 73 years old... Damn, I simply outdid myself! I was suppossed to die when I reach my 40th b-day... Please no more candles! And stop putting kitty hair in my tomato soup! LOL I'll start building the mausoleum where I should be buried... In the house's garden... surrounded by all kitty tombs. My manor name is Cat Red. Beware, some houses are born wicked... And if I die, I'll be back. Buahahahahah!
Ok... This is hopefully no LSD. LOL
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all
Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you
-Madonna, Crazy for you
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all
Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you
-Madonna, Crazy for you
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?
Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed
Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me
You must... love me
-Madonna, You must love me (EVITA)
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?
Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed
Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me
You must... love me
-Madonna, You must love me (EVITA)
Thursday, July 21, 2005
4 jinetes del Apocalipsis
Groundel: He called on Tue morning… insulting the way he says that I mistreated him… he called that afternoon to apologize and to say he didn’t knew how to make things up to me… I dunno. Sometimes the best answer is silence… Havent seen him since last Sat night, when I asked him to leave… I’m hurt. That won’t change easily. I need time so the wounds heal. Doing things alone is not easy, everything reminds me of him… but that’s what I must do… so I do.
Tril: Bad terms for everything. He has no intension of really knowing what is on my mind and heart, and I am tired sick of him. No words worth mentioning from him. Last night he remembered I had a phone, and he left a message saying he wanted to talk with me. It sounded eerie as his voice was cracked… don’t know if he was just sleepy or crying…I got his message at 2am, so nothing I could do about that… And I don’t feel like calling him either.
Alex: I’m mad at him for many reasons that seems he cannot understand. His big ego doesn’t let him see… My ego won’t give in to calling him. If I am a bit important for him, he will call. If he doesn’t I’ll know what that means.
Loui: Don’t know what to make of him. He attracts me, but I am too hurt and too afraid and too a mess to try a new beginning… He is out there, and seems genuine in his ways… He knows what I am going through as he is going through the same… I just don’t know if I should believe and give him a chance. He’s a professional, like me… do what I do… Enjoys being away from people, and there seems to be an attraction… But I don’t know… I just don’t know…
Tril: Bad terms for everything. He has no intension of really knowing what is on my mind and heart, and I am tired sick of him. No words worth mentioning from him. Last night he remembered I had a phone, and he left a message saying he wanted to talk with me. It sounded eerie as his voice was cracked… don’t know if he was just sleepy or crying…I got his message at 2am, so nothing I could do about that… And I don’t feel like calling him either.
Alex: I’m mad at him for many reasons that seems he cannot understand. His big ego doesn’t let him see… My ego won’t give in to calling him. If I am a bit important for him, he will call. If he doesn’t I’ll know what that means.
Loui: Don’t know what to make of him. He attracts me, but I am too hurt and too afraid and too a mess to try a new beginning… He is out there, and seems genuine in his ways… He knows what I am going through as he is going through the same… I just don’t know if I should believe and give him a chance. He’s a professional, like me… do what I do… Enjoys being away from people, and there seems to be an attraction… But I don’t know… I just don’t know…
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Daydream
I find myself daydreaming of you, my messenger of Hope... I find myself getting lost in you, in the pain we both share, in the casualties of our wars, in the sincronicity of our lives...
I find myself daydreaming, and thinking of you, messenger of Hope... And as the tides fall back, and the night settles in, I see you in the shadows... a hazy shade wrapped in mists... standing there as if lost, yet with the will of the one that knows his path...
I find myself daydreaming, night and day, day and night... And I run towards you, my mirage, my inflamed desire... Don't you see that out of thin air inspiration has taken a new shape? Don't you see that all the sorrow and loss ends when you outstretch your arms and receive me?
I find myself daydreaming... And I see your face, and I wipe your tears... And I hold you in my arms and give you part of my own strenght... And a light surrounds us as we grow closer as if Fate had united us... no lies... after a long journey... at last...
I find myself daydreaming... And my soulmate comes to me... At the end of times, when there is only desolation and love and belief have been vanished... When only my corpse dares Destiny and Life... I find myself daydreaming... And it is You I see...
I find myself daydreaming, and thinking of you, messenger of Hope... And as the tides fall back, and the night settles in, I see you in the shadows... a hazy shade wrapped in mists... standing there as if lost, yet with the will of the one that knows his path...
I find myself daydreaming, night and day, day and night... And I run towards you, my mirage, my inflamed desire... Don't you see that out of thin air inspiration has taken a new shape? Don't you see that all the sorrow and loss ends when you outstretch your arms and receive me?
I find myself daydreaming... And I see your face, and I wipe your tears... And I hold you in my arms and give you part of my own strenght... And a light surrounds us as we grow closer as if Fate had united us... no lies... after a long journey... at last...
I find myself daydreaming... And my soulmate comes to me... At the end of times, when there is only desolation and love and belief have been vanished... When only my corpse dares Destiny and Life... I find myself daydreaming... And it is You I see...
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Mirror
A stranger travelled from Humacao just to meet me. He was a complete gentleman, and turned out he do the same things I do for a living. And he is going through the same disruption in life as I am going... His relationship was for 6 years, and she asked him to leave. The only difference between us is that she didnt tell him that she didnt love him... And my guy did tell me he doesnt love me. So... It was kinda therapeutic to listen to him... I said a sentence that stuck in his mind and then stuck into mine... He said the in the long run she will realize that she didnt knew what she was doing... And I said In the long run they are doing EXACTLY what they wanted to do... Ah, the irony of it all! One may keep hope that things will change, but each day that passes by one realizes that they keep on living their lives without one... And it seems not to affect them... And you ask yourself why and how and why is this possible... And you go to sleep flooding yourself in tears... Yet they go on... Day after day, they are not part of you... They stopped being the ones you trusted with life and soul... They betrayed you, the memory of you, the dreams that were built in a false togetherness... The pain gets worst with each passing minute. The ache of the deceit is completely insane... Why keep hope after such a complete display of coldness? Why keep faith when they use every wicked trick to grant you desperation, emptyness and uneasyness... This stranger and me shared just one hug, but that hug gave me the strenght of knowing that I am not the only one going through hell, that justice aint always served, that dreams do come to an end, that the worst thing in life may be an utterly loneliness of the spirit, that perhaps it was a way in which God materialized just to establish his presence and make me feel that although the times are dark and stormy He is there, He can grant compassion... A stranger did what my so-called friends didn't. One kindness I will never forget.
Wasteland
G missed another great opportunity of spending 2 complete days with me, because of his stupidity. Plus, he plans to celebrate his Graduation in Oct traveling and didnt even consider me into his plans... Very thoughtful of him, as usual. Three times he has made me felt like shit, in a row. He killed himself in my heart.
Sti is just plain bleh... His attitude towards me... One minute the best friend, the other just a horny bitch, then a brother... Gimme a break. When u sleep with someone, EVERYTHING changes. And after living together for 7 years, his coming up with this crap is... unacceptable, hurting... I feel lied to and played... I feel mocked...
I have noone that understands my pain, my so called friends seem to mock me with simple answers that are thouhtless and irrelevant. Sometimes silence is the best answer... I am alone. I am lonely. I have noone to turn to. I have noone to hold me and say things will be fine. And somehow that makes me shaken... somehow that makes me weak. I expected my best friends to give me more support... To be there not just in words but in actions... Ah, same old story. More dissapointment. The only constant in my life are my kitties.
There is no true love. I chased a ghost that finally vanished from my life. Gone. There is no true love.
Sti is just plain bleh... His attitude towards me... One minute the best friend, the other just a horny bitch, then a brother... Gimme a break. When u sleep with someone, EVERYTHING changes. And after living together for 7 years, his coming up with this crap is... unacceptable, hurting... I feel lied to and played... I feel mocked...
I have noone that understands my pain, my so called friends seem to mock me with simple answers that are thouhtless and irrelevant. Sometimes silence is the best answer... I am alone. I am lonely. I have noone to turn to. I have noone to hold me and say things will be fine. And somehow that makes me shaken... somehow that makes me weak. I expected my best friends to give me more support... To be there not just in words but in actions... Ah, same old story. More dissapointment. The only constant in my life are my kitties.
There is no true love. I chased a ghost that finally vanished from my life. Gone. There is no true love.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Waste
Yesterday G had a free day from work, because of his narrow mind and stupid male attitude he lost a precious opportunity. Then he calls up at 10:30 pm to wish me that I dream of him. WTF? He was quite dissappointed when he heard me grunting, because he was making a lovely effort to do something cute. Cute... Cute? Right. Maybe for a 15 year old, but not for a woman. He doesn't learn the difference... He better because I have absolutely no patience for him or his stupid mind. He better react to the signals, fast, or he'll loose me as simple as that. I am tired. I have no belief left in me. Stv took my last dreams with him... Completely jaded and believing in nothing. How can my heart be awakened now? True love? Gimme a break... There is no love.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Requiem 2
Saw Phantom of the Opera with Sti last night. Bad idea. It moved me too much, especially with the present situation... I asked him once more why he wouldn't come back... once more he gets enraged, talk about people pushing him, and then says it was his decision, that he didnt love me but cares a lot... that he convinced himself he loved me but it was not true... Ah, the dagger moves inside my heart and everything hurts so badly... So... It all was a lie... A lie that I believed, a lie thanks to which i didnt gave a chance to G, a lie that led me to a voyage that I enjoyed but that should have been with someone else not him... because I honestly thought it could be a new beginning for us... It was a beginning in a way... A beginning of the end...
I feel played. I feel deceived. I feel used. I feel... lost... a failure... What is so wrong about me that whenever I love they spurn me? I hate love. I hate love with all that is left of my heart!
G said he have no work today, that I should pick him up when I get off work... Sure... I wish I was happy or passionate about that... But I am so sad deep inside... I just want to be held tight and nothing more... to cry on and on, until no tears are left... I just want to be held, thats all... I'm shaken. I feel lonely. I should feel a relief or happiness that i aint feeling... I wanted to be with G and got so into that idea that I didnt realize the strenght of my love for Stv. But whats the use... Stv is gone. And I am left with so many feelings and thoughts and ideas and dreams that are unfinished... And I'm at a loss... G can do many things right now, but i dont think those things will fill me in any way. I have a great void in my life right now. Nothing can fill that up. Nothing.
I feel played. I feel deceived. I feel used. I feel... lost... a failure... What is so wrong about me that whenever I love they spurn me? I hate love. I hate love with all that is left of my heart!
G said he have no work today, that I should pick him up when I get off work... Sure... I wish I was happy or passionate about that... But I am so sad deep inside... I just want to be held tight and nothing more... to cry on and on, until no tears are left... I just want to be held, thats all... I'm shaken. I feel lonely. I should feel a relief or happiness that i aint feeling... I wanted to be with G and got so into that idea that I didnt realize the strenght of my love for Stv. But whats the use... Stv is gone. And I am left with so many feelings and thoughts and ideas and dreams that are unfinished... And I'm at a loss... G can do many things right now, but i dont think those things will fill me in any way. I have a great void in my life right now. Nothing can fill that up. Nothing.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Requiem
On Sat Sti passed by... a friend, as if 7 years had not happenned... and he helped with my laundry, and we ate, and Maria arrived and we all happily went to the movies, then happily rented some and happily watched one... Then Maria left. And Sti declared his leaving as well... And I couldnt stand it anymore, braking down in tears. Its not about drama, its about my loss... I truly love him. And it seems so easy for him to simply get out of my circle, of my life... My eyes screamed to him to stay, but I said nothing... His eyes told me he wouldnt stay anyway. He closed the door, and a final stab went through my heart. That was it. He will come back on Monday to gather some things... He dared to say he could come Sun, but I begged him to give me a break... because this is not natural for me... because I hoped he would be back... And he didnt... I slept bathed in tears...
G came today. We watched 2 movies, he got pizza and some goodies... I left him home. Not even once he said he loved me. Not even once by mistake. And that detail hurt me as well... It's a realization that the hipothesis is true... Its an obsession... He doesnt really love me... He sees me as a thing... I am just there to own...
Why is it so hard to simply receive love? Because all I ever wanted is love, and I get everything but love. I wish somebody would feel for me as I have felt for both G and Sti... I wish somebody would find me ravashing and would worship me and woud be loyal to and would be with me for the rest of my life... Is it such a big wish, God? Love?
I wish for true love. It is all I want, God. It is all that matters in life.
G came today. We watched 2 movies, he got pizza and some goodies... I left him home. Not even once he said he loved me. Not even once by mistake. And that detail hurt me as well... It's a realization that the hipothesis is true... Its an obsession... He doesnt really love me... He sees me as a thing... I am just there to own...
Why is it so hard to simply receive love? Because all I ever wanted is love, and I get everything but love. I wish somebody would feel for me as I have felt for both G and Sti... I wish somebody would find me ravashing and would worship me and woud be loyal to and would be with me for the rest of my life... Is it such a big wish, God? Love?
I wish for true love. It is all I want, God. It is all that matters in life.
Friday, July 08, 2005
End of an era
Sti came to me. We had the talk. I asked him 3 times, and 3 times the same answer... He doesnt love me as a woman, he was pretending to love me that way, he loves me as family but not as a wife. He was to comeback because he missed me... I said no. I said you can come everyday, stay as long as you like, but there is no point to you sleeping in my apartment if there is nothing between us because I cannot keep on wating time in mtters of giving myself a chance for finding love... We both cried. We went to eat and to see Dark Water. And then I left him in the gas station... We had a final talk about that matter and I tried to control myself the best I could. I've cried... I've cried so hard... because I do love him. I wanted to have faith, I wanted to believe... but he feels something completely different... It hurts. Badly. It hurts... How can I convince myself that it is for the better, that letting go is the only way of making things straight and right? It hurts... I place all this in God's hands, as there is nothing else to do... Nothing.
Best friends forever... Though lovers be lost... Love shall prevail... Love in its purest essence.
Best friends forever... Though lovers be lost... Love shall prevail... Love in its purest essence.
Silence and rings
Sti has not called. I called him on Tuesday and he just said hes been doing nothing else besides working and watching local tv at his mother's house... Somehow I dont believe that. His being so close to old acquaintances in Dulce Labios worries me to death. His being close to where all whores dwell worries me to death. His knowing where Katia lives worries me to death. Knowing nothing about him, no truth, no actions... it is driving me insane. It is digging a grave to the little trust I had in him. I expected that he would at least blog his wherabouts, but nothing... Always silent... The thoughts, a big mistery... And with each passing day I see that he has no love left for me and he just cannot say it. No love at all. I am just a friend, perhaps the only friend he has left in the island... only a friend... And it is time I accept that fact. I gave a deadline for myself to accept his return. I think 2 weeks are more than enough to think things well. If by Sunday he has not returned, I won't accept him. It will be painful, but there would be no point for accepting him back... These two weeks have wounded me in a way that all other things have not. I thought I would always have him there... that he was my family... and I was wrong. The outcome is quite evident... but two more days for a final veredict.
Gil has been calling dayly with the same stupid question: Is he back? Have you seen him? No? Bye. Deep conversations... (sight) At least yesterday he didnt ask. Anyway, what's the point? Seems he's got a handful between school and work, and he has no time for me. It is so difficult to speak for 5 minutes... I just have nothing to say or think about him. I feel numb right now.
Alex... has been missing in action. I know he has problems of his own, and it's quite selfish to think he would try mending every wound I have... Somehow it hurt me that he didnt try to pass by to see me last week, knowing how bad I was... Even Maria showed up on Friday night to take me out of the house... I expect too much of my friends... And those that I dont consider close do even more than the ones I call best friends... Why is he lagging on me? I guess he fears i would try to strike back with the same question I pop yearly... No Alex. I wouldn't ask that anymore. I am too wounded to destroy myself even further.
Havent heard of Arturo or Steven. Will try reaching them tomorrow, to exchange books. A pity a good thing had come to a sudden end... as sudden as it began. I have to confess I really liked Arturo. I dont know if that could have lead somewhere... but facts goes against everything. We didnt even have time to get to know each other. So... Not even a friend. A pity...
I feel lonely, alone, tired, sad. But I smile. The show must go on.
Gil has been calling dayly with the same stupid question: Is he back? Have you seen him? No? Bye. Deep conversations... (sight) At least yesterday he didnt ask. Anyway, what's the point? Seems he's got a handful between school and work, and he has no time for me. It is so difficult to speak for 5 minutes... I just have nothing to say or think about him. I feel numb right now.
Alex... has been missing in action. I know he has problems of his own, and it's quite selfish to think he would try mending every wound I have... Somehow it hurt me that he didnt try to pass by to see me last week, knowing how bad I was... Even Maria showed up on Friday night to take me out of the house... I expect too much of my friends... And those that I dont consider close do even more than the ones I call best friends... Why is he lagging on me? I guess he fears i would try to strike back with the same question I pop yearly... No Alex. I wouldn't ask that anymore. I am too wounded to destroy myself even further.
Havent heard of Arturo or Steven. Will try reaching them tomorrow, to exchange books. A pity a good thing had come to a sudden end... as sudden as it began. I have to confess I really liked Arturo. I dont know if that could have lead somewhere... but facts goes against everything. We didnt even have time to get to know each other. So... Not even a friend. A pity...
I feel lonely, alone, tired, sad. But I smile. The show must go on.
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