Album

Albums delivered... Asked me out to eat something... Asked about Filiberto's death... Loved my jacket... Quiet time at RUM... Back trip as a walk down memory lane unfolded... Delivered him...

Mixed feelings of sadness, joy, contempness...

Overkill

Gilberto called to tell me he threw away all the letters I have written him ever since I know him, 15 years ago... Poems, thoughts, plots, confessions... He got rid off it all. The last things that stand are the two albums, which he called to ask if I wanted them... so he will pass by during daytime so he doesnt see me, and leave them with my aunt.

He threw away everything...

And he expected me to say something, anything... What could I say, when my heart froze, when even my legs failled me and I even almost fell to the floor, when all my thoughts collapsed in one single thought: "How could you"... something he never did, he did today... And I know it was painful because I felt pain in his voice... And the worst thing is he did it all for the deceitfuls jealous thoughts he has branded in his skull... What could I say? Its all done... And in his little world it's all acted out... I am evil... I lied... A lie within a lie...

I gave truth and true love. And I waited... 15 years of waiting, of believing in him, his love... hie eyes... his passion... his words... his promises...

It all ends here... today... now.

He threw away... my heart.

Afterthought

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you're ev'rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you've found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.

-Jimmy Durante, Make someone happy

Drowned

Someone asks why I comply or give in... Comply? I dont comply. Give in? Its not a choice or a game. I am being practical and realistic... I mean, take a good look at me. What do you see, if you dont know me? A very odd lady with bright red hair, a very bad attitude and who may be beautiful to a few but sincerely not so attractive to the 90% of the population. My world of dragons and dreams and poems and books and knowledge and animals and science fiction is a gate into which not the common hearted enters. Any attempts to do so have to do with what I have acquired and what people may take from me. At my age its not about falling in love with the pure innocense of a child... People seek sex, money, instant gratification... and if you can't or won't gove in to that then you are not worth it. And me, being my lovely anarchist self, simply cannot comply to those standards...

I feel my time passed and that I already met my true mate... I was foolish to play with my prize, and so I lost him... And knowing he was "it" brings the unfathomable believe that I have nothing else to look for... I met the best. It just wont come finer and or sweeter... Noone can touch his status. Always the Knight of the White Rose... My Coriolis... The one who soothed my soul... That was real love, True Love... and I destroyed it. So, I move on... But the best was in my hands. Nothing can change that belief.

And it is him that argues that I am settling for comfort rather than passion and love... Well... I dont feel passionate or loving... I feel old. I feel that I lost my time chasing ghosts, that I have an unearthly need to share all I am that doesnt include sex, and that maybe companionship and amicable behavior is the best next thing to endless sights... Comfort is not the right word really... Many things can be irritating in a friend... But I am talking here about settling with a best friend who has seen you in your worst and at your best... There has been deep failures and betrayals... There is no complete trust... That may take years... But... Maybe it can be done... Maybe a cupful of sugar will help the medicine go down... Maybe the important thing is so invisible to the eyes... Everything happens for a purpose.

"With tuppence for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You're a bird in a flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin' up there
All at once you're lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over 'ouses and trees
With your first 'olding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Let's go fly a kite!"
-Mary Poppins, Lets go fly a kite

Simple things are the most important. Not money. Not possessions. Friends and family... I have always dreamed of a family. But seems that of all the things I can accomplish, that is the only thing that is forbidden...

Sad

Sad about so many things I want to do, so little time, so little support... I have no one at my side that I can rely on, no one that gives me a shoulder to cry on, no one to make me feel special... No one I can admire and say without doubt that he loves me and will not betray me... No one I can trust 100% with all I am. No one that thinks I'm a true lady, admiring me, showing respect and helping me find solutions and answers... No one to laugh at my jokes or with me... simply... I feel sad. I feel tired. I feel jaded. I feel old.

Answers?

No Beast has come to rescue me these past weeks, and his attitude was foreseen and still I tried to believe... Always the naive one... But an end to that. Sadly, the child refuses to grow up... So Peter will find old wrinkled Wendy when he comes back from Neverland... and so he will realize that it all could have been magical and utopic... if only he had done something about it.

Prince Charmin' has been at my side through it all, has helped as the true friend he is. He has done more with his presence than anyone else... He needs to put his act together, work and studies, before I make a final announcement about him... It would be nice if this time someone would ask the questions, not me... Some things are so important, and they seem so small...

I wish things were simple, that I were simple and that simple things fulfilled me... But I have never been simple, and simple things although they seem cute seems that they are not really for me...

For king and country!

It is said about v and stv:
Vibration No 7:
Your relationship is profound and mature. You love to ponder and to share the same philosophical and intellectual concerns. You are fond of traveling together and like to discover, explore and get to know each other deeply. You are even capable of forgiving the gloomiest parts of each other’s personalities.

You will spend hours caring for your partner, trying to help and understand them. Your relationship is quite special, because you are also capable of spending a great deal of time in solitude. You are not ready to take on a lot of friends or a very active social life. You’ll seek the perfect relationship.

As to sex, you will experience its sacred side and if you so wish to, you can even take sex as a magic ritual. Both partners love nature, animals and kids.

The only thing you need to learn is that you are not vulnerable when you show your feelings, but rather, that if you do open up to your partner, your relationship will grow spiritually.

And about Tril and V:
Vibration No 8:
In this relationship, both partners call the floor and have too marked and structured a personality. You are both very demanding of the relationship. You may even wish to have everything already established, and this might generate conflicts or minor quarrels. After one of these, it can be the case that neither of you takes initiative for a reconciliation, for you tend to be too rancorous.

At the level of the deepest feelings, both of you need to be intimately understood, for you can easily feel the other’s rejection and become too susceptible. At critical times, for instance if one partner is undergoing health or financial problems, you will both react helpfully, and will be sympathetic enough to stand by the other. For this reason, you must be careful that neither assumes the role of “the victim” in the relationship, in order to be helped or taken care of constantly by the other.

You need to learn to renew yourselves permanently, without falling into stereotypes.
_______________________________________

Interesting, huh? ;)

Predictions

And just as I predicted... Tril has not called, silence and stealth are his middle names... It is a pitty. He wasted a real opportunity that I gave him with his paranoia and stupidity. It is not me loosing, but him loosing. I thought he was serious but everything proved the oppossite. Rest in Peace. I did love you.

I am tired of chasing, explaining, having to prove myself. I have reached an age in which you either take it or leave it... There is no space for doubts or simply wishing. I need truth, action, presence. So far, the only presence around me is Groundel... who was noty truthful in the past and may be trying to make amends now. Dunno. So far he's proved to be a great friend. I wish he were not as cold as a fish... He could be so perfect for me if he were a bit more proactive...

Nothing further in Neverland...

Pathetic comeback

Gil: Two weeks since his last call, when he accused me of being busy with Stv… we all know what he meant… He called today asking when should he give me the money he promised for the figurines. I said I think that you shut me off your life and he says fine and hangs up. (sight) Typically him. In 2 more weeks he’ll call apologizing, and in two more since it will be November he will call to invite me for a Thanksgiving supper… He is very predictable, linear and seems he just want a prize to brag about… No one can buy me. Keep trying.

Stv: Helping me a lot before, during and after moving. At least someone is a constant company… He seems to be behaving, although I can never be certain of that… he lives at temptation’s door and that sucks… But I know that it is not where you are but what you feel like doing. Maybe he can prove he can be true to me… Maybe he can prove he’s worth it.