Drowned

Someone asks why I comply or give in... Comply? I dont comply. Give in? Its not a choice or a game. I am being practical and realistic... I mean, take a good look at me. What do you see, if you dont know me? A very odd lady with bright red hair, a very bad attitude and who may be beautiful to a few but sincerely not so attractive to the 90% of the population. My world of dragons and dreams and poems and books and knowledge and animals and science fiction is a gate into which not the common hearted enters. Any attempts to do so have to do with what I have acquired and what people may take from me. At my age its not about falling in love with the pure innocense of a child... People seek sex, money, instant gratification... and if you can't or won't gove in to that then you are not worth it. And me, being my lovely anarchist self, simply cannot comply to those standards...

I feel my time passed and that I already met my true mate... I was foolish to play with my prize, and so I lost him... And knowing he was "it" brings the unfathomable believe that I have nothing else to look for... I met the best. It just wont come finer and or sweeter... Noone can touch his status. Always the Knight of the White Rose... My Coriolis... The one who soothed my soul... That was real love, True Love... and I destroyed it. So, I move on... But the best was in my hands. Nothing can change that belief.

And it is him that argues that I am settling for comfort rather than passion and love... Well... I dont feel passionate or loving... I feel old. I feel that I lost my time chasing ghosts, that I have an unearthly need to share all I am that doesnt include sex, and that maybe companionship and amicable behavior is the best next thing to endless sights... Comfort is not the right word really... Many things can be irritating in a friend... But I am talking here about settling with a best friend who has seen you in your worst and at your best... There has been deep failures and betrayals... There is no complete trust... That may take years... But... Maybe it can be done... Maybe a cupful of sugar will help the medicine go down... Maybe the important thing is so invisible to the eyes... Everything happens for a purpose.

"With tuppence for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You're a bird in a flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin' up there
All at once you're lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over 'ouses and trees
With your first 'olding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Let's go fly a kite!"
-Mary Poppins, Lets go fly a kite

Simple things are the most important. Not money. Not possessions. Friends and family... I have always dreamed of a family. But seems that of all the things I can accomplish, that is the only thing that is forbidden...