Big problems...

Is it me? Am I so demanding, so unfair, so apocaliptical and bitter? Am I Scrooge on the making? Am I thoughtless and heartless and as cold as stone? Who am I to tell people what to do, how to do it, and get mad if they don’t follow the paths that I lay in front of them? Am I so egotistical and narcissistic that I think I am right by all means, leaving no possibility to others being right as well?

My biggest problem: I find solutions, for everything. You come to me with a problem and I will do my best to give you at least two answers on how to solve things… And after I make such efforts, I find that people actually do not want any answers… People just want to complain about everything, and keep on complaining while doing nothing about it. And then that makes me angry, and anger leads to hate and hate leads to the Dark Side…

Another big problem: I am a non-conformist. I have achieved little things in life that for some reason are big things for most people… Their view on my life is that I should be grateful for the blessings I have and that I should look at others that are less blessed… But then I see that those others are in that less blessed place because of their own very wrong choices… They left home to marry just because they wanted to get away from home. They used drugs and their kids have mental problems. They quit school because it was not important. They quit college because it is not such a needful thing to get a job that allows you to simply eat. They leech their way up taking the scraps of other people, using the people and the means they know to get all they want. They talk about greatness but stay in the comfort zone of accepting what they have and hoping to win the loto. It angers me that people don’t actually take pride on ding the right thing… simple things… like being honest, being kind, being clean, being organized, being thoughtful, being moral, being an example to anyone anywhere, living without taking advantage of those around you, living taking into account that your rights stop where the rights of others begin. If you have a dream you have to work to make it come true, God helps along the way but you have to be determined to make it. It angers me that people have all the tools, but doesn’t actually move a finger to make things happen. If I had the help they have now back then when I was studying, who knows where I might have been today… Everything I have done has been out of my own will, no one else has helped me along the way. It has been hard, and although it seems as if it has not paid off, I am proud of myself. I can still look into people’s eyes as I have nothing to hide, all I have done has been through labor and utilizing my own skills. I get frustrated as I want to do more, and I have no means towards that goal… because I don’t have sneaky ways to achieve my goals. I don’t know the right people, my parents have never helped in any way, society in this island goes against bright, intelligent, different people especially if they are female or if they stray from the boundaries of normality. Most friends are so small… and I don’t mean to diminish them, it is what they are… small… small minds leading small lives in their own structured world… Me, I know I have a richer purpose, I am meant to do great things. The problem is the location, living in this place that chains me in every way… I have the know how to make my dreams happen, but no financial support or emotional support to make it happen. Still, I try my best, I will myself to do something, ANYTHING… But I cannot simply accept my fate and complain… I can’t.

Another big problem: I believe in truth, morality, rightousness, virtuosity, paladinhood, chivalry, honor, valor, and loyalty. This is a big problem when you need to swim in a sea infested with sharks. Still I dare to be me… Most people don’t believe I am true, most people think I have a dual motive for being nice or doing nice things… and so they call me a drow. But even drow can be good. So I take no offense. The bad thing is that everything seems more difficult simply because I am expected to go with the flow and I cannot comply to that. I cannot go with the flow. I cannot drink and smoke and use drugs. I cannot sleep with whoever I want to sleep with. I cannot sell my beliefs simply for a moment of success…. A moment in life can mark a lifetime, and regret is one of the worst things to keep within.

Another big problem: I love. I have known true love, and I have handled it with fiery passion, defending it with fangs and claws, and I have believed… I follow the whole verse from the Corinthians passage, and so my deepest curse comes to life… When I love, I love forever. I understand what forever means. I understand what limitless means. I understand the concept of husband and wife, leading a life together forever. I believe that love should keep that path. And then three bad bumps in the road of love have left me bitter, sad, joyless… I really believed Gilberto was my husband. I truly did. And as my first love, I gave him all the truth and passion I had to give. I guess that my complete blind belief was the spell that made it all go wrong. I really believed that Alex was my soulmate… and it may be so… but we somehow ended up at different levels in life in which we still need to learn more lessons… always apart. I really believed that Steve could be the one to ground me, a friend first, a love without blindness… But it all has turned into a bad drama in which I have nothing else left to give, and he doesn’t get that if he ain’t giving either then it is over before it has begun. I have ended up with no more space within my heart to actually call for a vacancy. When you grow into adulthood you see reality and live reality and it changes everything. I dreamed of dancing in the arms of Morpheus, of being the target of a true love that will give me my place as first and most important, a love that will grow with me instead of consuming me. It simply won’t happen. Not anymore. My time for believing in such a beautiful goal is faded. Gone. I can only look back into the good memories, into the few moments of happiness that I’ve been granted… But I won’t complain. Some people live their whole life not knowing what love is… I had three tastes of different loves. And now, all that is left is to live… to grow… to do the things I want to do… finding strength in what was… I must accept I am alone. I must accept that no one can ever be close to what I want because I already had what I wanted… and somehow let go of it. So, the here and now asks that I love without any strings, that I wish for the best on the ones I love, and that I come to peace with the fact that I will never have a family or a husband. This acceptance hurts more than anything else…because there is nothing I can do to change things… because in the core, I am all feelings… and I have no one to share any of it.

People hate my guts. People hate my bluntness. People hate I say difficult truths openly and with no fear. People hate my passion. People hate my beliefs. People hate my will, my courage. People hate my skills, end even envy them. People hate how I am, how I am so in love with myself and how I simply don’t give a damn on what they think… because I know I am right. That everything hurts doesn’t mean that I am not right. That everything goes wrong around me doesn’t mean that the things I do are wrong. There must be a place where I can be free of every pain that haunts me. There must be a place I can find home. I feel weary, faded, tired… Battling thousands of orcs alone is not a pretty picture… But it can be done. And so I do. Like me, hate me, fear me, spurn me, abandon me… Whatever. I believe in all I am, in all I have done, in all I want to do. I know myself, and praise me. Not many reach that in one lifetime. Nothing will ever stop me, not even death… I always rise from the ashes.

10-4

"21 Things I Want In A Lover"

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...

-Alanis Morissette, 21 things I want in a lover

No pun intended...
Very frustrated with everything going on in my life. Feel like wanting to simply vanish without telling anyone, to a place where no one knows me at all, to start over from the ashes. Very dissapointed on love, on work, on college, on everything. I need a big break, but when? Where? How? Hope grows thin...

List

My list...

Have:
Mind
Soul
Faith
Dreams
Know how
Ideas
Creativity
True friends

Need:
Money (basic)
Dream job
1 year big vacation
Real, grounded partner
Will to overcome anything else
Renewal of dreams
Happiness

Plans:
Too many in different sketches... And none can work because of the basic need.
Need to stretch creativity even further, to find solutions that will help get rid off this black hole that keeps sucking my life... Need to get rid off sadness and shake off bad thoughts...

I am the only one that can help me, and so I have to be in charge like it or not. I can whine, I can complain, but I know that no one else can solve things for me. It's just frustrating how everyone else gets their live solved out by strangers, and me... I just get more shit on my way... But it is fine. I am a warrioress. Keep on challenging me, Life. I'm gonna screw you in the final battle.

10-4

What I wrote him

This one I wrote to Groundel. It's my honest, not-so-humble opinion...

"I don’t know, maybe now “after watching the movie” you get what I’ve been trying to pass through your thick skull.

I don't feel I am so important to you. I may be, but you don't show. You don't show in everyday life. Examples? Let's see...

Start with something as simple as genuinely trying to get a job. Somehow I feel that is not a real interest for you. I don't see you killing yourself to get a job. I don't see you looking for it everyday during the week. I see you get up, make up where to have breakfast, pass the morning, see if you are lucky enough to get lunch, pass the afternoon and wait for my arrival so you can finally go have dinner and have fun with the PS2... Everyday. If you have classes your big excuse not to work is that you are studying... Darling, I worked while studying, Sara has done it, Maria has done it... It is a fact of life: You NEED to work. How you expect to have anything decent in life if you do not work? A meal? A refreshment? A decent place to live? Proper clothing? Going out? Getting nice things for yourself and maybe for me too? How can you be so cool with not working? I would be ashamed all the time. I would be obsessed with getting a job. I wouldn't rest until I got one. I would use every person I know to get one. How you think I feel having all the financial weight of us over me? How do you think I feel when I want to get something to eat and I can't, even though I make the money and I am a so-called professional? How do you think I feel when anyone asks me what my bf do and I have to say "studying"... How do you think I feel when I feel stressed and want to breathe a little and I can't because I have no gas and cannot count on you for helping me out? I can never count on you financially, and in today's society, money makes everything go around: food, basics, entertainment... No money, no nothing... You should get it. You should know I cannot be a sole provider. You should know that if you worked we could at least be happier and do some more things which we actually cannot even dare to think of... I feel responsible for both, and act accordingly, and I see that your position is very comfortable and lacking the common sense to say "Hey, she's kicking her ass to give me as much as she gives herself, I should do the same". If it bothers you that I say you are very comfortable, darling it is the honest truth. You do not seem to worry about anything, you dont try to improve your living conditions, you dont try to give yourself a better life, you dont give importance to nourishing our relationship... You take, take, take... and give so little, or almost nothing. Saying "sorry" but not changing the situations. Saying "Im looking for a job" but staying whole days at an office because they have air conditioning and coffee... Saying "I love you" but spending more hours with a game than minutes with me... WTF? WTF? and repeat... WTF?

I see you coming to my aunt's house and I battle between 2 thoughts: are you coming to see me? or are you coming just to play on the PS2? You call me everyday, but why you do so? Do you miss me? Do you want to hear my voice? Do you miss my eyes or my touch? Of do you simply want some company because you have none, or a place to eat because you ran out of choices, or a place to shower and nothing more? Am I the only "drow" around? What you really want from me? Do you want me because I make your life full, or do you want me just to let you live a little? Am I important because without me there are no colors in your canvas, or am I just a convenience... someone who happenned to be there at the right time for you... someone who should serve you and whom you expect to give nothing more... Do you love me, truly? Do you want to marry me? Do you want to be with me forever? If so... have you ever actually thought of proposing to me? Have you ever thought about being kind and gentle and passionate with me? Have you ever thought about going out of your way to do something special that you have never done to me? What I am suppossed to think, when your behavior says nothing to me about your intentions, and your actions are the same of a 15 yr old kid...

Dreams are good, hobbies are good, playing is good... But when they take the placeof a loved one and when they become your mate they are not so good. When you hurt more than feelings it is not good. When you cannot make reality and fantasy work, things are not good. Grow up! You are 32 years old. By now, you should have had a diploma, a car and a job at least. You keep playing the schoolboy life, the irresponsible life, the leech life. Grow up. I need a man at my side. I want you to be that man. I love you. But I won't submit myself to 7 more years of same crap. Straighten up and decide to make a real life with me, and if you do not really intend to do so then go away. Stop the game, I am more than a game. I am flesh and bones and dreams and hopes, stop stepping over me. Stop abusing the power you have over me just because I love you. Stop abusing my trust, abusing my will and desire to help you achieve everything you truly deserve. Stop abusing my help. Stop abusing my love. It is time you stand for yourself, and be a real man... Someone who do his stuff and makes it work with the one he loves. Someone who shares everything with his love. Someone who is willing to challenge everything and make sacrifices for his love.

I need a man that gives me shelter, that makes me feel pretty, that makes me feel important, that makes me feel I am loved in everyway for all I am. You did that for me once, a long time ago, so I know you can do it... If you want. There is nothing else I can do to make you see or understand what I want and what I need. I want certainty, something true. something real... with someone that will cross heaven and hell for me... with me... Do you still feel a fire burning for me within you? Are you with me because I am the one? Am I so important you would give your life for me? Do you respect me so much you will never be unfaithful? Do you desire me? Do you wish for me every night? Do you pray for me every morning? Do I complete you?

I feel neglected, forgotten, ignored, taken for granted, dismissed, uninportant, unsexy, unwanted, lonely, sad, tired... And it should be your task to make me feel the oppossite of all the above.

Give me answers, give me real thoughts... not pretty but empty apologies.

This is all I have to say. Your turn."

I feel all I wrote. It's my truth. He will get mad and upset, and will probably send me to hell... but it is the truth. And I am fed up. All he critizises from Tril is exactly what has been going on with him, with the addition of being as affectionate as a log. I am tired of having a colder than Icewind Dale entity at my side. I am tired of the empty space that is at my side every nightand every day. Being present is being there even if intangible. He is there but is always absent. And I resent that, because I have given everything and expected at least to be met halfway... I have given everything for nothing, yet again... And it's not fair, and I won't take it. If being "drow" is being fair with oneself after making so many sacrifices for humankind, so be it. I deserve happiness, not more daggers thrown at my heart. I deserve respect, truth, loyalty and true love. Everything. No more... no less.

"Private Dancer" by Tina Turner

WELL THE MEN COME IN THESE PLACES
AND THE MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
YOU DON`T LOOK AT THEIR FACES
AND YOU DON`T ASK THEIR NAMES
YOU DON`T THINK OF THEM AS HUMAN
YOU DON`T THINK OF THEM AT ALL
YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON THE MONEY
KEEPING YOUR EYES ON THE WALL

[CHORUS]
I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
I`LL DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO
I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
AND ANY OLD MUSIC WILL DO

I WANT TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS
I WANT TO LIVE OUT BY THE SEA
HAVE A HUSBAND AND SOME CHILDREN
YEAH I GUESS I WANT A FAMILY
ALL THE MEN COME IN THESE PLACES
AND THE MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
YOU DON`T LOOK AT THEIR FACES
AND YOU DON`T ASK THEIR NAMES

[CHORUS TWICE]

DEUTSCHMARKS OR DOLLARS
AMERICAN EXPRESS WILL DO NICELY - THANK YOU
LET ME LOOSEN UP YOUR COLLAR
TELL ME DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE SHIMMY AGAIN

The Watcher

The watcher… Trying not to interfere and just to let everything and everyone go with their own flow… Trying to feel nothing as things happen while they stay the same. I wonder if my self awareness is so elevated that the “me” factor is inevitable… I wonder if I am so wrong when thinking all I believe in is right. Seems the whole world is wrong. Seems the whole world is careless and free willing and whatever. Am I the only one that thinks about the what if’s, about the alternatives? Am I the only one with the altruistic goals and desire for challenge and change?

I am so out of place… I feel completely out of place, and each passing day only confirms that fact. This place makes me so sad and unhappy. Being treated as if I were worthless makes me so unhappy. Being put down and ignored makes me so unhappy. Working among so many mundane things makes me so unhappy… I hate knowing I was born to do great things, but these great things have not been revealed to me yet… and each passing minute I doubt even more that my whole life situation will change, that I will win the challenged life… I plan, I have vision, I have courage… but I don’t have the charisma, I’m not a people’s person and that is my greatest flaw. And the worst is that I don’t mind… But it is a people’s world… It is not who you are, but who you know. And I know no one. I live in a bubble. The time to make friends and get to know people is gone… Now I can only get to know co-workers that are simple minded and that you don’t really want to get to know. Outside that world, what can I do?

I’m alienated from this society one way or the other. Each day I hate my life more and more… Consequently I hate the people that live within it, people that completely take me for granted and that although I place a high value on them, they place little value on me. It is right, I’m drow after all. And it seems that no matter how much I speak of things or believe in things, nothing goes my way. And I am tired of that. It is killing me.

"Wasting Love"

Maybe one day I'll be an honest man
Up till now I'm doing the best I can
Long roads.Long days, of sunrise, to sunset
Sunrise to sunset

Dream on brothers while you can
Dream on sisters I hope you will find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly by the tides of time

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of night

Dream on brothers while you can
Dream on sisters I hope you will find the one
All of our lives, covered up quickly by the tides of time

Sands are flowing and the lines are in your hand
In your eyes I see the hunger, and the desperate cry that tears the night

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love, in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of night

-Iron Maiden, Wasting Love