A wish

Back in the office… I hate how it sounds and what it means, yet somehow it also has the added brightness that after all this is “me” time, that here personal situations stay at bay and can only take place the here and now… Thinking back on my so called vacation I only see all the reasons why I hate life. The cup half full: survival. The cup half empty: loneliness. There is no way I can change facts or actions or words, and as usual it all is my fault even if it’s not. The tracking beam that I have for troubles is starting to take a big toll on my tolerance and patience (patience, what patience?). I do not initiate things, but defending myself seems to biggest sin there is, and it puts me against all odds. I hate feeling alone, but seems that the fate of being the old lady surrounded by cats is inescapable. No man will ever share a life with me, because they either fear me or cannot keep up with me. My allure lies in places where mortals cannot see them. So I am deeply fucked in that matter. I think I have companions, but I only have good for nothings that don’t help at all… that I help even if I am drowning myself quietly. I have plenty of anger to spare, but what is the use of showing it… Do I really want to show? For what purpose? To receive the pity of the ignorants? To be branded insanely mad by the world? To be disdain as the outcast I have always been, even further?

I am beyond hope, beyond belief, beyond any kind of positive equation. There is absolutely nothing for me in this world, nothing. The only thing I thought I had left was but a mirage. And what is life if there is no one to trust, or share all you are? What is life… but a coffin that keeps you very still while it drags you through hell and beyond, until you finally rot and vanish in the dirt… What is life but the greatest joke that has been played on us… May Death hurry and grant its soothing release, I have nothing left to live for in this cursed place.

Two poems...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PROMISE OF SOMEDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would pay anything, do anything, say anything,
Just to hold you.
I would go anywhere, everywhere,
To be with you.
All I have ever dreamed of, all that there is to dream of,
Is in your arms.
There is no color in my world without you,
There is no sun.
Agony doesn't even begin to describe how I feel
Without you.
Just the sound of your voice soothes my soul
Calms my fears.
And such a powerful silence reigns in the absence
Of that voice.
I live off of my dreams, my hopes, my certainties,
Mostly because
All three are now the same thing.
All are you.
I live off the thought that someday we will be together.
Someday time and distance will no longer separate us.
Someday I WILL hold you.
And then, I will never let you go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BE NEAR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please be near me in my dark time.
I need to know that you're here.
Please don't stray from my side, my love.
I'll always be well when you're near.
With you in my heart, I'm never alone.
Your smile will block out my fear.
Holding your hand, my sorrow is gone.
Your love will dry every tear.

(Both poems by Janice, for the Beauty & the Beast TV show)

Dedicated to my Beast... even if he will never know...
"Although we cannot be together
We will never, ever, be apart"

A blurr of thoughts

I feel lost and at loss... Beyond sad, beyond feeling... I stand but taking strength only of my will, going on as I always do... because that's what I do... And I am tired... I see no point or joy in anything... I see no light at the end of the tunnel... I have lost my heart and my will to live... I have no family, of this I am certain now. Friends... I'm still uncertain if they are for truth, or if they stay there because they have no other choice... I am so unrelated to everyone's concerns... I am too different, too aloof... I wish for a peace that this life cannot grant me, a love that is not real, dreams that cannot be... I stand because I have become a statue made of stone... so I can face it all without being truly harmed... Carefull on that thought, if something makes me break, it will be the end of it all... And thus I feel not... And so has become my pointless existence...

Part of your world...

"Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - feet
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?
Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
(What's the word?) burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world"


REPRISE
"What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?

Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world

I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world "

-Part of your world, The Little Mermaid

Got men?

Groundel: Always there, always taking me for granted… and that’s basically it.
Tril: Always calling, never meeting, always going away…. and that’s basically it.

Merge them both an actually you can get half of what a man should be.

Any questions?

Troubled

I just cannot sleep. Mind running 180mph, and it wont stop... Night runs out, daylight arrives and then the same story... Tired, but can't sleep... It seems insane... I wish it all would stop. I wish for once in my life I could be carefree, and happy. But those two are banned from my chronicles, it seems... I've lost hope in too many things these last couple of months, and it has eroded many other layers of life... No one gets it. No one wants to.

Too much crap...

Black hole

The spirals of the dark abyss that opens up below my feet keep fighting... Dark tentacles spread ready to engulf me into the eye of darkness, so nevermore I feel anything at all... Trapped within a crowd of zombies that march on, pawns of darkness itself. The end won't come so easily... Sadly...

Knives

Feeling all the knives that have been plunged into my heart through the years, all moving at the same time. Reverie on all the things I don't say, on all the things I keep trying to forget, on all things that bump in the night to frighten me. The bleeding never stops. I wish everything would have been different...

Going on is hard to do when you see no point. Life's biggest things loose their luster... your faith in the dearest people thins out... My mind is an abyss of repression. Through everything it is a battle of needs and wants and fact and fiction, but it all ends in a mask... for I cannot let anyone see inside of who I am. The devil is cunning not because he's a devil, but because of the years... Wisdom is gained only with experience and age. Here I stand with the devil's wisdom, torn to shreds. A beautiful shining mask on my face. Let the show go on.


"If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm
And shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in a movie show
Yelled "fired in the second row,
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister cellophane
Should have been my name !!!!
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister cellophane
Should have been my name
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me walk right by me
And never know I'm there. . .

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman wed
And sleepin' in a double bed beside one man for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there

Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who. . .

Should have been my name
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister cellophane
Should have been my name
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there"

-"Amos", Mr cellophane, Maulin Rouge

Friends

I want to be able to say I have lived to the fullest. I wish that would be true… Trapped in a day-to-day mousetrap, working for surviving not for living. How to change everything? If only things were that easy… Everything I do must be the hard way, somehow I was born under no stars at all. No luck ever. My break seems to be the one last in line…How can I solve all my problems without appearing irresponsible or careless? I cannot get off the island yet, no matter how much I want to. I won’t leave auntie alone. It is the only kindness life can throw her way, since all her life things have been labor, just like me. So until then, I am stuck here. Maybe for 10-15 years… What am I gonna do about that?

Oh, just thinking of 5 more years of taking this work’s crap will drive me crazy. But there is nothing else… nothing else that pays me the little that seems a lot when compared to the wages of other jobs, but that is little when compared to what you earn in the private express… Paying the bills make me stay put. But it is not enough to actually enjoy anything else in life. Maybe it would be ok if there were two earnings, but I am playing solo, and seems that’s the way it will be. No point whining about that. I just wish there was a way to make money after work. Painting seems a sensible thing, but I need cash to get the materials… It is not lack of inspiration. Sticking my nose in a computer after spending 8 hours a day doing just that is plainly insane, and it takes a toll on eyesight. I will be as blind as a bat if I ever reach the big 60’s.

I wish I had a group of people with which I could hang out on weekends, at least that would make me look forward to Friday nights… But by my age, almost everyone is married with children… going out is a journey of going to the movies or to eat… other places are invaded by college brats or people looking to get laid… So what is left… Only two persons surround me, and one is a married slave. The other is slave to laziness and games. So… I should simply say I walk solo anywhere I am. I wish I could share my deepest thoughts and dreams with them, but they simply don’t get me. I’ve finally seen the light on that matter… I want so much to share everything but no one wants to share everything with me. Everyone only shows spotlights of their lives, at their own discretion… and when they simply don’t want to talk about it they slip a “none of your business” as easily as passing the butter. And that “none of your business” strikes me stronger than anything else can, because I have never said those hideous words to any person I consider a friend… because for me being a friend is reason enough to make things my business and so I expect the same attitude…

It is my fault for assuming my few friends are my closest family… They are the family I never had. And maybe that’s why I give all I have. You do that in a family, if you live the true idea of what family means… My friends are my family. I love them that much. Their happiness is my happiness, their pain my pain. I would not hesitate to give my life for them, and I do value my life. So many times I have gone through troubles that seem mad just because a friend asked me to... or just because I couldn’t find a reason why not. Sharing anything is not so difficult for me, if there is just one piece of bread and juice everyone will get their same share… it seems fair to me, and makes me happy. Any needful thing is not too much if it is a real need. And I give whenever it is a real need. I give advice, I give truth, I give love, I give support, I give answers, I give wings to dreams, I give strength, I am compassionate, I am hopeful, and I hit hard when it’s needed. I just realized that no one returns the favor. Each lives their own movie, taking bits and pieces as they need… but each only shows what they want, schemes what they want, and think that their actions have no impact at all on me. I regard them as family, they regard me as acquaintance… An asset? A convenience? A foreigner to whom you are kind… It saddens me so much how little impact I have on their lives, as they are the whole world for me.

What moves me to write this? Nothing. Everything. I just feel… I think… I watch… I learn… It is amazing that the only person who makes you feel you’re worth it is the only one that is far away and cannot see you each day, or hug you each day, or talk to you each day, or even kiss you each day. It is the time that you waste on people that makes you their true friend… It is ironic that someone who cannot share most of his time is the only one that wastes time on me because he wants to. Those close to me in here don’t even begin to fill those shoes… and seems they don’t really care to do so. For them I am wrong, unapproachable, unexplainable, implacable, selfish… I can take all the stones they throw at me… their opinion of who I am in their lives is what really hurts, as I am nothing but an old doll that has no more appeal in any way...broken… left to be forgotten... just as their conscience and values and dreams were left to fade...

One day I’ll fly away,
until then... the dreaming ends...

10-4

The Book Of My Life

Let me watch by the fire and remember my days
And it may be a trick of the firelight
But the flickering pages that trouble my sight
Is a book I'm afraid to write

It's the book of my days, it's the book of my life
And it's cut like a fruit on the blade of a knife
And it's all there to see as the section reveals
There's some sorrow in every life

If it reads like a puzzle, a wandering maze
Then I won't understand 'til the end of my days
I'm still forced to remember,
Remember the words of my life

There are promises broken and promises kept
Angry words that were spoken, when I should have wept
There's a chapter of secrets, and words to confess
If I lose everything that I possess

There's a chapter on loss and a ghost who won't die
There's a chapter on love where the ink's never dry
There are sentences served in a prison I built out of lies.

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life

There's a chapter on fathers a chapter on sons
There are pages of conflicts that nobody won
And the battles you lost and your bitter defeat,
There's a page where we fail to meet

There are tales of good fortune that couldn't be planned
There's a chapter on god that I don't understand
There's a promise of Heaven and Hell but I'm damned if I see

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life

Now the daylight's returning
And if one sentence is true
All these pages are burning
And all that's left is you

Though the pages are numbered
I can't see where they lead
For the end is a mystery no-one can read
In the book of my life

-Sting, The Book Of My Life"

Crossings...

Oh, headache headache! Now this guy, Edwin, writes to Sara out of nowhere and she wants to go to SJ to see him after all these years (ahem... 10-11?)...

Who is Edwin? Well, here's the highlights: The guy that made the bet with Papito to see who would fuck Sara first. The guy that made Vanessa wear makeup, and dated her for a while. The guy that was Gilberto's best friend for a while. The guy that manipulated 95% of everyone around him with his suave ways. The guy that made Sara fall head ove heels, and that she expected to go to her wedding like a knight in shining armor, say that he oppose her union with Angel, then rob her away and live happily ever after...

Now, he is an IT agent somewhere in SJ, and he is married. Out of the blue he calls Sara, and now the whole snow ball is starting to grow... I don't like it. It stinks. I don't think that the guy is out to get friendship only, he is sneaky and he is, after all, from SJ... We'll see the outcome...

Tril has been trying to get a hold on me, but I haven't answered the phone. I don't think I should, even if I want to. Sticking to that. I know he will never change.

Groundel, another hopeless case. No cel phone, so now he has to start over his job quest, like he tries so hard... Whatever. Classes around the corner so I'm guessing he'll just chill... You know... So much stress he has...

Me, same old same old... Nothing interesting, no one interesting... Just working and doing my things... No knight in shining armor expected around this dark realms!

10-4

A volar!

Estamos muy cansado
Triunfar es una carga pesada
Ya no hay vida privada
La fama cada dia pesa mas
Queremos divertirnos
Queremos disfrutar de la vida
Vivr una aventura
en la que podamos soñar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

La vida es todo ritmo
En esta discoteca no se
Puede parar
Los chicos y las chicas
Queremos que la vida
Nos de algo mas
Queremos ser mas libres
Queremos que las fans nos comprendan
Si alguna de ellas quiere
pueden venir a volar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

Queremos divertirnos
Queremos disfrutar de la vida
Vivir una aventura en la que podamos soñar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

Ven, ven a volar
Vamos a volar
Cuando vuelas cualquier cosa
Puede ocurrir a tu alrededor
A volar, vamos a volar
La aventura a comenzado
No se sabe que va a pasar

-Menudo, A Volar

A thought...

If I had been born a man, everything would have been different.
Is that so?

Perfect Life

I tried to go low-impact on the little people… That’s all I will do. Honestly, I feel betrayed, and if it would have been a gangbang maybe at least I would have been happier (feel free to be sick). I know they are small minds that need much progression to be able to talk about their realities and do something about it… But it makes me so damn sad that they take my feelings and my love so lightly. It is not like I do not express my feelings, because I do. It is me who have countless details with them. It is me who indulges them with the little things that makes the big difference… My time, my thoughts, even my dreams revolve in how to make things better not only for me but for them as well… I always think on the wellness of the pack… not just of one… And it hurts me that they think I live my life just because of the “me” factor.

It is all so ironic since seeing them happy makes me happy. Watching them succeed makes me happy. The bad things that happens to them are as if they happened to me. I cheer for them, and I weep with them. But it seems they only see in me either a bliss or a nightmare… and always a fatal judge that never gives in. It saddens me deeply that I am the last person they trust, that they turn away from the solutions I lay before them, that they waste their lives living an easy way out that is worthless, that only feeds on their dark selves.

It is always the endless question: Is it me? And always the same echo: It is them. Perhaps my sin is pride, thinking my ways are the only ways… not quite the truth… In their case my way is the only way because it is the right way to achieve their goals… They are sensible, logical ways, not my opinions… But all they see is that the words come out of my mouth and so it is my opinion… And so they must do the opposite to prove me wrong… And then they wrong themselves… And as little kids they try hiding the broken vase so they don’t hear a speech, or so they do not get punished.

It is all so ironic… They need the praise and the input and the support and the encouragement… And they get it… And they still fail. Sitting back, watching everything I wonder: Who praises me? Who gives me input and encouragement? Who picks me up if I fail? Who hugs me and kisses me and tells me everything will be fine? Do I have that? No. I don’t. But they do… And they spurn what they have, wasting it, taking it for granted… even cursing it. So much they value their worth and what they have… For them I live the perfect life, I live in my perfect world where there is no place for imperfection… If only that were true… There is no perfect world. When you get love you do not have money or a job or friends. When you get the job you don’t have love or money or friends. When you have money you don’t have true friends or love. Nothing is ever perfect, even if it gets close to that… because being perfect is not a human mean but a human goal, a guideline for living as rightfully and you can, a guide to be all you can be so you really live.

So I do what I can to live as righteously as I can under the circumstances… keeping to old values that I have found mean something after all… keeping true to myself before I keep true to others… believing in promising things when I mean them… loving before hating… giving before taking… Because I think before I leap, because I am responsible first and think of fun later… I am regarded as acid and sour, aloof, bore, funless, feelingless, heartless… I have to put up with those nametags. I have to put up with people never getting me, thinking I am a weirdo, thinking I am a fool… And to the term people now I have to add my friends thinking the same way. What is the point of having wisdom and knowledge if no one wants to hear it? What is the point of living when there is no one to live for? I feel beyond misunderstood, beyond deceived, beyond betrayed… I see that for me love is endless, but for everyone else love is a convenience with a switch that they turn on or off when they please. I see I can take anything and think about it and take the good and discard the bad, but everyone else is far from something so simple but so complicated…

Why I worship myself? Someone has to. And it seems I am the only one who doesn’t let me down. And that when I do, I honestly repent for it, and try fixing things up. I am sincere with myself, and I love my mind and my heart and my convictions and my ideals… as crazy and as quimeric as they may be. I feel alienated as no one really understands me… as I always have to be careful to what I say and who I say things because my words are taken literally… I feel frustrated and lonely. A constant knot in my throat… A constant tear in my eyes. And that’s why I wish for death. Because the last 10 years of my life have proven to me that although I think I do good and that I make a difference in this world, I truly don’t. Because I am only the voice of conscience to those around me, and that is one thing that people these days hate more than anything… I battle against a current, achieving nothing but more pain. I live on each day for those I love, as a ghost does… for they never know all the things I do for them, inspired by them, wishing for them. I wake up with Hope at my side, and I go to bed with Despair. That is me… Doing everything for nothing… Giving all my love for nothing… Dreaming on for nothing… And even if this were to be my eternal fate, I would not give in to evil… and I would battle it fiercely… Always everything for nothing… All my love for nothing… All my life for nothing…

Am I perfect, or what.