Friends

I want to be able to say I have lived to the fullest. I wish that would be true… Trapped in a day-to-day mousetrap, working for surviving not for living. How to change everything? If only things were that easy… Everything I do must be the hard way, somehow I was born under no stars at all. No luck ever. My break seems to be the one last in line…How can I solve all my problems without appearing irresponsible or careless? I cannot get off the island yet, no matter how much I want to. I won’t leave auntie alone. It is the only kindness life can throw her way, since all her life things have been labor, just like me. So until then, I am stuck here. Maybe for 10-15 years… What am I gonna do about that?

Oh, just thinking of 5 more years of taking this work’s crap will drive me crazy. But there is nothing else… nothing else that pays me the little that seems a lot when compared to the wages of other jobs, but that is little when compared to what you earn in the private express… Paying the bills make me stay put. But it is not enough to actually enjoy anything else in life. Maybe it would be ok if there were two earnings, but I am playing solo, and seems that’s the way it will be. No point whining about that. I just wish there was a way to make money after work. Painting seems a sensible thing, but I need cash to get the materials… It is not lack of inspiration. Sticking my nose in a computer after spending 8 hours a day doing just that is plainly insane, and it takes a toll on eyesight. I will be as blind as a bat if I ever reach the big 60’s.

I wish I had a group of people with which I could hang out on weekends, at least that would make me look forward to Friday nights… But by my age, almost everyone is married with children… going out is a journey of going to the movies or to eat… other places are invaded by college brats or people looking to get laid… So what is left… Only two persons surround me, and one is a married slave. The other is slave to laziness and games. So… I should simply say I walk solo anywhere I am. I wish I could share my deepest thoughts and dreams with them, but they simply don’t get me. I’ve finally seen the light on that matter… I want so much to share everything but no one wants to share everything with me. Everyone only shows spotlights of their lives, at their own discretion… and when they simply don’t want to talk about it they slip a “none of your business” as easily as passing the butter. And that “none of your business” strikes me stronger than anything else can, because I have never said those hideous words to any person I consider a friend… because for me being a friend is reason enough to make things my business and so I expect the same attitude…

It is my fault for assuming my few friends are my closest family… They are the family I never had. And maybe that’s why I give all I have. You do that in a family, if you live the true idea of what family means… My friends are my family. I love them that much. Their happiness is my happiness, their pain my pain. I would not hesitate to give my life for them, and I do value my life. So many times I have gone through troubles that seem mad just because a friend asked me to... or just because I couldn’t find a reason why not. Sharing anything is not so difficult for me, if there is just one piece of bread and juice everyone will get their same share… it seems fair to me, and makes me happy. Any needful thing is not too much if it is a real need. And I give whenever it is a real need. I give advice, I give truth, I give love, I give support, I give answers, I give wings to dreams, I give strength, I am compassionate, I am hopeful, and I hit hard when it’s needed. I just realized that no one returns the favor. Each lives their own movie, taking bits and pieces as they need… but each only shows what they want, schemes what they want, and think that their actions have no impact at all on me. I regard them as family, they regard me as acquaintance… An asset? A convenience? A foreigner to whom you are kind… It saddens me so much how little impact I have on their lives, as they are the whole world for me.

What moves me to write this? Nothing. Everything. I just feel… I think… I watch… I learn… It is amazing that the only person who makes you feel you’re worth it is the only one that is far away and cannot see you each day, or hug you each day, or talk to you each day, or even kiss you each day. It is the time that you waste on people that makes you their true friend… It is ironic that someone who cannot share most of his time is the only one that wastes time on me because he wants to. Those close to me in here don’t even begin to fill those shoes… and seems they don’t really care to do so. For them I am wrong, unapproachable, unexplainable, implacable, selfish… I can take all the stones they throw at me… their opinion of who I am in their lives is what really hurts, as I am nothing but an old doll that has no more appeal in any way...broken… left to be forgotten... just as their conscience and values and dreams were left to fade...

One day I’ll fly away,
until then... the dreaming ends...

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