Ch 5.2 Thinking

THINKING
So, here I am… 31 years old… an un-married professional with a job that I hate but that pays fairly ok, with a college Master, with dreams on hold because of… other people… other lives… I would go to the States, but I am tied up because I must watch over my aunt. I want to get a house… but I am uncertain if I should… Paying a rent doesn’t tie me up for years… And choosing a mate… seems a task much more difficult than I expected. I love G but he makes me so mad and so angry and so insane that perhaps it is definitively better if we forget about each other. It is all so insane… He has no time to call me, he feels bad for everything and doesn’t really trust me… So why bother? The true love we may feel is just a dream… a smoke curtain that vanishes each day that passes by without nourishment… Steve is the best choice. He has done many things for me, without questioning me or arguing the decisions… He stood at my side even when I cancelled the wedding, he has helped me in the house and he loves my cats… He demonstrates his love each time he wakes up and goes get bread and coffee before I wake up, each time he makes food or worries if I don’t arrive at the time I should… I am his whole life… Or so it seems… And yes, I know that he would be a great father. Alex pictures me with him, Sara likes Steve very much… Seems that Joe is slightly accepting him as well… Why I have so much trouble accepting that he is better for me than G? Why is it so hard for me to accept that G and me are not the best match, will always fight because of the different points of view, and will definitively clash because right now there is no common ground even for speaking… G is still a kid in his mind, the never-ending college boy that humors fun, friends and who takes the important things in life and crushes them. G crushes me daily… at all times… evey day… Not the best environment for peace of mind, for feeling good, for getting creative and fulfilling a desire of completion…

I feel old, bashed, jaded, un-motivated, chupá, tired, empty, devoid of creativity… I wish I could live in a house in the country… so I could paint as I feel like… So I can have animals and things that relate to nature… So the noise of the city is muted and gone…

My road… Lonely although surrounded… Sad although it has a few happy thoughts… Crushed dreams…

Chapter 5.1 Un-stalker

As I dropped by, he says he's missed me much and that without me there is nothing... Then two whole days pass by and no word from him... I hate that. There is never a continuum on his actions, thoughts and feelings. I cannot believe his eyes or words because in the end they mean nothing... Why he behaves this way? Being erratic makes me want to break free of him forever. No details... No calls... No true caring... I made a big mistake when I let go of the only chance I've had of being truly happy, and that was mostly because of his phantom... Why I cannot go on without him fucking my life? Why is it that I cannot take him off my heart and mind, and just move on? Why it is so difficult just to be... Everything reminds me of him, everything... And I wish I could share everythig with him, But then he starts being his despicable self, behaving and speaking so selfishly that I start hating it... I could go on saying many things, but it's come to the point that there is not much to say... but that things won't change as long as he keeps his life surrounded by the asswipes that he calls friends...

He never stalks me... Negative points towards his XP, ladies and gentlemen... As usual...

Chapter 5 Odissey

Another night, another fight… is it so useless? Why bother so much to see him if we are going to end up this way? I don’t get why he can’t understand. He thinks my friends are crap. He won’t stop talking to Minelli as long as I don’t stop ‘living” with Stv. And I am not going to accept the Minelli-Glenda- institute female whoevers that keep on calling him, looking for him, yadda yadda. It’s a dead end, a no win situation. I am not getting out of my apartment. I am not throwing Stv to the streets just to make G happy. Stv is doing something important, and I am helping him. I don’t understand what is so bad, why G can’t see beyond his sick mind and jealousies… It pains me… it kills me… Because I love him so strongly… Because I live and breathe for him… and yet he doesn’t trust me, he doesn’t see me as I am… and so each night I die.

Feeling torn inside out. Some things are best left untouched… but some others are too real and sting… Still… Incredible? Perhaps… But a love changed me a long time ago, and it still burns me the fact that perhaps he was it and I was the one who screwed up… I am mad at Alex. I hate his guts, especially his guts with me. All these years have proven that we are the perfect match for a perfect forever, but he still sticks to his old belief (and perhaps a promise to himself) of staying away from me romantically. Whenever he starts getting closer to me, like calling at all times, almost everyday, he suddenly stops and then there is a gap of weeks before making a comeback... He drives me mad. He has that power over me... I still love him. Always have, always will. He is the man I need. Sadly, he is the man I can never have. Because he won’t give us a chance, ever. His fault on that matter, we could be a strong couple. But wishful thinking doesn’t help my causes…

Stv has been doing the usual… Playing his games, playing with the kitties, college… What I feel for him? I love him, the only ingredient needed is the “cup full of sugar”, the details tha makes a relationship work, the spark that lights the fire… If he doesn’t even try to make me fall in love with him as I did years ago, then our thing will never work. I need lots of presence and care and sweet nothings, and he is icy cold… Life made him that way, but somehow that must change or nothing will ever happen between us. That and his constant bad humor… He is grumpy 24/7 and that is not good… especially when he gets upset for things that are irrelevant or not important. That bothers me, has bothered me for years…

Gil… After last Thu have not seen him. He called Sat saying he will go out at night with some friends, asking me to pass by Sun afternoon after he call me at 1pm… So, Sun came and he did not call until 5pm… at that time I honestly didn’t felt like going anywhere, especially seeing him… It is not a priority 4 him to see me, it seems… Whatever. I’m pissed at him, my understanding is going down the drain…

At this stage, how things are, I may even consider giving Mark a chance, damnit…

Argument. He screws up after being so nice and thoughtful… Always the talk about me living with another man… It is beyond tiring… Cried again…

My mind, my thoughts, myself, my life… all is clean. Nothing murky, no two-face junk, always straight-forward talk… I give all, and I get stabbed. The rose is so beautiful, but, oh, the thorns!!!

Chapter 4.5 The Crossroad...

Listened to Gil’s talk for a long while… He was in his depre-ansiety days… Hearing him hurts me and makes me feel so bad, because he truly believes he has no one and so he focuses his life on that “fact”. He flip to screaming when I said that he thought I was so stupid I couldn’t relate to what he felt… He screamed he is not insulting me or calling me stupid, that I always put words in his mouth, that I always hear things he is not saying… Then he flips back to the depre mode saying he is an individual with unique experiences that are not anyone else’s, so no one can actually know how he feels… Than his grandmother doesn’t even allow him to wash his clothing in her house, that his father is a phantom, and that he avoids his mom so he wont keep screwing up her life. That the reality is that he is by himself, between those four walls, no one truly caring for him… And I say I am there, and he says I am not his, that I am in “lay-away” for a time until the big decision shows up. He doesn’t trust me; he thinks I have this unnatural scheme against him… He thinks I’m plotting vengeance on him for all that’s happened between us… I asked why he wanted me around if he thought I was such a nuisance. He says he likes me, he likes how I am now… And as I said you hate I am bitchy, he says that THAT is exactly what he needs… that it is not a matter of “being a mother” but having the guidance and support, someone to take him by the hand so he do things, someone that believes in him. He thinks I am the strong woman he needs… Opinionated, bitchy, and strong… That he’s fallen in love with who I am now, and he’s scared it may not be… That he wants us to have a life now, and I am tied up with another man… That he loves me, but he’s afraid of everything that implies although he is not afraid of marrying me. And then he goes on about his mood swings, his so-called friends, college, getting into Mepsi… many things for just an hour and a half.

I was quiet all the time; the only comment I made was in the one he snapped at me… I felt bad he screamed to me… And then I felt bad for all the things he is going through… a big consequence of a bad upraising… His parents are to blame for his illness. But there is no point in acknowledging that fact. What remains is: He needs help, his family just won’t give it to him, and that psychiatrist that he is seeing is just no help because she knows his mother and they may be doing him more harm than good. I don’t think Mepsi is a good way to try solving his problem because it did no god to Marla… The place is disturbing and the way they treat patients IS disturbing… The best solution for him would be to alienate himself of his family, living away from them, keeping studies and work… But THAT in itself seems like wishful thinking. He’s been trapped in those 4 walls for 29 years… It will be tough to break that cycle…

It all scares me. I didn’t know he had a record as mental patient ever since he was 9 years old. That means all this time that he’s been acting psycho he has REALLY been psycho… And that explains many things from the past… I am scared because I don’t know if I can be there for him with his actual mental state. I may be what he needs, but what about what I need? I am a bit psycho as well. I have panic attacks and depression, and I need support and lots of love and caring and details… He can give some, maybe he could give all, but it is all uncertain… a big gamble… a big lottery… Am I to gamble away what I have now for what may be? That thought petrifies me… I love Gil more than I could ever love anyone else, that is certain. I am not certain that he is in my best interest… I am not certain that he can be a good husband. I am not certain he can get a job and stick to it. I am not certain he will fly at my side when I want to fly… I am not certain he loves me as deeply as he thinks he loves me… Yes, it is all scary… for me… for us…

What I have now may be so little to some, but it is something all right. I live with my best friend, sharing space and life without physical interaction. We help each other, care for each other, keep 8 cats happy and keep each other safe. We love each other, but we are not lovers. There is deep respect in our relationship, and we would go through great lengths to make sure things are “well”. We have everything any couple could envy: Friendly rapport, caring, will to work, will to study, companionship, we share love for RPG’s and photography and drawing, when one starts a sentence there is no need to complete it because the other can finish the thought… We know each other well. And we could say we live in Perfect… Except when it comes to bed. We are not a couple, really, because we do not “share the bed”. The physical attraction is almost zero. There is no teasing, no seduction, and no interest in intimacy. It seems we don’t need it. It is plain and simple a living together without touching. We behave as brothers, as family. And I know our bond is deep, especially after all the hardships that we’ve passed… We almost married, for heaven’s sake! But our relationship is cold in that little detail… And for marriage I think that detail means a-lot. With Stv I have everything but the bed part. With Gil I have the bed part but everything else. All in all, a no-win situation. And this makes me sad, and it makes me feel and behave in uncertainty… and it drives me mad. I love both in different ways, and choosing one over the other will destroy the other… And that thought kills me.
I see Stv evolutioning. He has changed a-lot; he has progressed at my side… He has learned about the right way of doing things. And I like what he has become. And it makes me proud. I love him. He has a very important place in my heart and in my life. I just wish things were not as they are in matters of our big scene… I wish he could have the complete mix that could make me happy as a woman… Because that is the main problem: As a woman, I feel dead, empty, cold, old, tired… I feel I am unattractive, undesirable… I have all this erotic clothing, but do not feel compelled to use it with him. I have all this wickedness inside of me, but I just can’t let it out with him. I like role-playing and make-belief in bed; he is not about that. And for so long I felt it was my fault, because I am fat or ugly… But then I realized I am not ugly… I may be fat, but I am voluptuous and well shaped… I may be cold but I can be quite a volcano when and if provoked. So it is not my fault at all. He allowed weeks to turn into months without a touch, and he seemed happy with that. He turned our living into a “family thing”. And years have demonstrated that we are a perfect match… Not in a sexual way. Not for mating. We are survivors that need each other, whose family and trust lies in each other. Is that all I need to live a happy life? Can I be contempt with just a stable life, with my cats and him? I may… I just don’t know.

So I’m between crossroads, my arms extended in both directions… Receiving flowers and bullets from every angle… Feeling my life is waning and feeling my will breaking… I only know I love. And I go on…

Chapter 4 Sights and doubts

The trip turns a bit dissapointing in matters of... what I think is right... what people perceive is right... what we all cannot agree in... Ahhh! And I have the mixed emotions and feelings and thoughts that doesn't help in either case. I am getting to the point where I am convinced I love no one. Honestly, maybe I do love but I feel so frustrated I just bury it all underneath what I can call resentment and hate. I try to give chamces and erase the bad and keep the good and move on, but it is hard... It is all so friggin hard...

With Gil is the uncertainty, the stupid point of view of someone who doesn't really respect religion and who in the end does as his balls dictate without taking into account anyone else... or the consequences. It is all about his truth, about what he sees, about his thoughts and how the world must be inside his bubble. He distrusts me completely, expects me to give so much and then give just a little... His femme friends always call him, he goes wherever he wants with whomever he wants and doesn't really take me into account, he is lost in his little world of depresion and disturbance and betrayal where everyone is against him and wants to see him screwed... And in the end it makes me sad, angry, sad, frustrated and more sad...

With Stv is the routine, the no surprise... the games 24/7... the submissive behavior with the eternal silence... what he calls the waiting for me... the waiting for my decision... the showing jealousy and hatred and then trying to erase it all... the trying too hard to win some thigs only time can win... And in the end it makes me sad, angry and more sad and frustrated and... Aghhhh!!!

I hope this year goes away really fast. I hope I can accomplish the things I want: No debts, start MFA and get a house... I hope that by end of year, things are clarified and the big decisions are made in my personal life... if I have one by then...

3.55 continued

I hate the fact that all of Mayaguez and the surrounding areas has all these female junkies who are always calling Gil. It makes me insane. It makes me wanna rip his throat off and throw away his cel to the sea and then send stinking clouds to everyone he knows... He flirts. Just like Alex, he flirts without thinking about it and it tries my patience. Most of the times I know it is not him that initiates the sessions, I do know that women seem to be on a desperate mode with permanency and so behave like cheap prostitutes... BUT... BUTTTTTTTTT...

whatever... just wanted to let that out...

Chapter 3.5 Crossroads

Stv seems to be interested in a comeback, opportunity, whatever you want to name it. He has been nice and has been trying to make things work... I am just numb. I feel I have nothing to feel. I feel dead.

Gil seems to want the same. He fantasizes about us living together, married, having children, growing old and dying... He thinks he's gonna stay in the job he has been trining, and he thinks this is our time. Problem is... I feel numb. I feel I have nothing to feel. I feel dead.

God has a sense on humor.