Feeling torn inside out. Some things are best left untouched… but some others are too real and sting… Still… Incredible? Perhaps… But a love changed me a long time ago, and it still burns me the fact that perhaps he was it and I was the one who screwed up… I am mad at Alex. I hate his guts, especially his guts with me. All these years have proven that we are the perfect match for a perfect forever, but he still sticks to his old belief (and perhaps a promise to himself) of staying away from me romantically. Whenever he starts getting closer to me, like calling at all times, almost everyday, he suddenly stops and then there is a gap of weeks before making a comeback... He drives me mad. He has that power over me... I still love him. Always have, always will. He is the man I need. Sadly, he is the man I can never have. Because he won’t give us a chance, ever. His fault on that matter, we could be a strong couple. But wishful thinking doesn’t help my causes…

Stv has been doing the usual… Playing his games, playing with the kitties, college… What I feel for him? I love him, the only ingredient needed is the “cup full of sugar”, the details tha makes a relationship work, the spark that lights the fire… If he doesn’t even try to make me fall in love with him as I did years ago, then our thing will never work. I need lots of presence and care and sweet nothings, and he is icy cold… Life made him that way, but somehow that must change or nothing will ever happen between us. That and his constant bad humor… He is grumpy 24/7 and that is not good… especially when he gets upset for things that are irrelevant or not important. That bothers me, has bothered me for years…

Gil… After last Thu have not seen him. He called Sat saying he will go out at night with some friends, asking me to pass by Sun afternoon after he call me at 1pm… So, Sun came and he did not call until 5pm… at that time I honestly didn’t felt like going anywhere, especially seeing him… It is not a priority 4 him to see me, it seems… Whatever. I’m pissed at him, my understanding is going down the drain…

At this stage, how things are, I may even consider giving Mark a chance, damnit…