Ch 7.3 Same shit

Same shit, same tears, same despair... I have no other way to describe my inner feelings. G just never looks for me, doesn't even call, doesn't move a finger or a thought... And it makes me mad, it makes me wanna kill and hurt and end it all... No point in feeling... no point in emotions. All is a big lie... A beautiful dreaming of deceit... My love for Alex means nothing, my love for Gil means nothing and my love for Sti means nothing. All of them hurt me without thinking twice, without hesitation... The perfect life with Alex is shattered by his ego. My idilic life with Gil is shattered by his stupidity. My adventurous life with Sti is shattered by his lack of self. It is all a lost cause. A draining cause. No matter how much I wanna be cold, to hide my feelings or kill them, I can't. It all gets me in the end, and kills me dagger by dagger... little by little...

After a whole week finale saw G. For what it’s worth… I didn’t felt like being sweet and supportive, and he was complaining about that. He tried kissing me and I didn’t let him. He was upset, because his mind makes him think I am doing something else with everyone else… (sight) It all ended with me getting out of his house crying, as usual. He didn’t went after me. He didn’t call me. I arrived to throw myself in my bed and simply cry… because there’s nothing else I can do. Cry… and cry… and cry… So what’s new… I feel like it is a neverending story of pain. I love G, but he kills my feelings with his stupidity and nonsense. I need to shut myself from feeling so I go on doing what I must in my life… Getting the house… Painting… Love drains me. The effort of feeling and thinking and having details and talking is completely draining… and I am tired… Why see him when his attitude will always be the same… his words and demeanor doesn’t change… For him I am the evil one, I am wrong, nothing can change that… And it hurts me so deeply…

I am hurt because I am no one’s priority. I am hurt because no one has details with me. I am hurt because no one makes me remember that I am a woman, that I am alive, that there are so many wonderful things… I am hurt because I am so transparent, yet no one sees me as truthful and beautiful. I am constantly misunderstood, constantly taken for granted, constantly forgotten… I wish that would change. I wish I could feel love, and be loved and worshiped forever… I am tired of crying… I am tired of feeling numb. I am tired of being rejected. If only all changes could come true…

7.0 Ides of MARCH

Went straight to SEVEN because 7 is a nice looking number, 7 is sacred and clean and sharp and elegant and perhaps it kinda hints on an omen of changes... My laments have been stale of late, because I am not dwelling on feelings and memories, but building new memories based on my here and now. I have mourned my death for too long. Now I open my eyes and see that I am very lucky because although people do not love me the way I want, they DO love me with all they HAVE. I feel their love and concern and friendship. Alex, Sti, Sara, Joe... they all have been there for me one way or the other and they keep on proving to me that they are for real. And they will live within the pages of my life, forever.

Gil... What can I say about him? Yes, I miss him. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I love him. But I do not see all he expects me to see and I do not feel all he expects me to feel. Right now I am feelings-impaired and somehow I want to keep it that way because seems that I am happier when I shut my "I want a bf" mode and just live life for me, enjoying the things I like and not caring about anything else. I do not need a bf to be happy. I have finally proved that fact to myself, because ever since I am entangled in the project of getting my dream house it has make me feel happy and complete. No ill thoughts, no thinking about the world coming to an end... just thinking about the trees I want in my garden, about the geese that will be my guardians, the blacvk pig I want and my kitties running free inside a real house. And, a big place to paint... So I can finally make a gallery... So I can finally start being known by my true vocation... This has done more for me than getting my MBA... or getting any BF as a matter of fact. I feel I'm actually going forward and that I can do anything. And no BF has made me feel this accomplished or whole.

Perhaps love is not for me, not in the sense of having a man-woman relationship. Perhaps what really is in for me is giving love as a true friend and helping others without boundaries... I miss the warmth of love, but somehow it is not something I need. In the last 10 years, this time has been the only time I have been truly happy and have lived more than a week with that feeling. Who knew.

Gil... If he wants me to give him a chance he has to shake me up. Each day that passes I see a bigger abyss between us because we seem so un-related to each other. He has a big dependency that I cannot nurture because I want an individual that can make his own decitions by himself, not an echo of me. And I want someone that makes me feel special and that is a hard worker and high achiever and that loves my cats. I am so dissappointed on Gil because he has turned cold, he doesn't go to any extreme to see me, he doesnt give the vibes that he truly loves me. If he is mad at me because I let days pass without calling him or seeing him.... sorry. I have a life. And if he wants to be in it, he has to keep up. If he cannot handle me, sorry. I have accommodated my life for everyone so much, and it is about time people return the favor. Especially if he says he loves me and he wants to be with me. Whoever doesnt comply, doesnt love me enough. And is not worth my energy.

So, my energy is going to other plans, very different from the love-relationship realm. My energy goes towards my dream of having my place so I can paint whenever I want, and have a nice hammock and have the pets I want and even run in circles naked while howling at the moon... After that one is accomplished I will move on to other plans I have, to increase my income. But that is another story...

Lamentatory... Maybe I'll lament something in the way... but laments wont keep me from reaching my dreams. Never.