Dicotomía

Stv: Since I found how to take the USPS he also went to take it with me. Barely… His interest in studying is completely lagged and annoying… He has to transfer to la Católica since he has no car to go to Cabo Rojo… And he needs a transcript to do the change, which he has been mentioning for more than a week… What can I say/think? Irresponsible. Always. As usual. And focuses on problems, not on looking for solutions, or creative solutions… I am getting fed up… Its like today’s morning… I didn’t fight because I knew we had to take the test and we needed to be in our best moods… Well, at least I know I was… He woke up with the long face, mad/angry at whatever… Making gestures at whatever… Being mad at the kitties and at his own shadow… His attitude is bad. His outlook on life is bad. About the house I want he commented that having it is far, that it is hopeless to keep trying to get it… I don’t need negativity around me. I need creative solutions. I am pissed at him, at everything he has done… erm… nothing? I don’t get it. His behavior with me has not changed a bit. He has no sense of romance or details, period. He cannot communicate because he just doesn’t want to, and then he complaints I am nosy or that I fight too much… Maybe if he were not an oyster I would not fight… Nothing changed. His desire for change may be there, but sitting still and wishing makes no man great… the good Lord sends the fishing but you must dig the bait…

Gil: Will graduate by December. Finishing his classes by the end of Sept… Seems content in a way… He wants to show me all he has changed and complaints I give him no chance to do so… It may be true… He wants to share much with me… I know he ain’t lying, it’s just that somedays I stand him and other days I want to break his neck… I cannot help it… Last outing at Ponderosa was really nice. I had to let go of being mad and being an egomaniac in order to give him a chance… It was not an easy task, because every comment moves me towards being bitchy. Because he deserves it. It aint easy trying to play with a blank canvas as base… because the canvas has 15 years of diverse paintings that have been painted over and over and over… Whatever.

Taz: Hopefully I will meet him this weekend, on Sunday. I am not making any decitions about him until I meet him. That’s all I know.

Feeling: Tired. Achy. Tired… Still not in the mood for dreaming.

Vibes vibrating vividly

Gil: Well, what I thought would be a bad idea turned out as something quite nice. Originally we were heading out for a movie and then dinner, but somehow we ended up in Isabela so we went to Ponderosa and had a nice quiet dinner over there. We came back, I delivered him and headed home. The goodbye kiss was sweet and gave me good vibes... So... Who knows... This may be the beginning of something...

Steve: Stv has been there for a whole week now. I have got beyond upset twice. Although he do some housekeeping when pushed, his constant has been playing in the PS2... (sight)... Oh, well... And on the caring department he has a D, because he cares but shows nothing at all.

Turning points...

Stv: He came back yesterday. To stay. I feel both good and bad about it. Good because I missed his company and I suffered much and I wanted him at my side... Bad because I am not certain he truly loves me and I was starting to ponder other things as well... like starting dating other people...Had Taz and Mark on the spotlight... I don't know...

G: He called Sat, went to see him, he was not home... so I went back home, called him up later on and he was working... same thing... whatever. He wanted to see me yesterday, but honestly didn't felt like it... It's tiresome that I only get to see him when he wants, never when I want... He wanted us to have something for real, but I think our ways are too different and the resentment between us is even stronger than the resentment I feel for Stv. I may love G, but that feeling seems numb and missing or perhaps turned into something else... i can't tell... i dont know anything anymore...

I feel lost. i don't know how to feel about the things that are happenning, I don't know which is the right choice or which is wrong... Everything has the good and the bad and the ugly. I think that the way I am now my best choice is to stick with Stv. G makes me upset just by his being there... and that upset feeling is so strong I just wanna scream to him, period... He doesn't get that all he has done to me through the years has a toll... he doesn't get that my love for him was so deep that his faults hurt me in a way I just can't forgive. Not even if I try, and I have... I try to go out with him and smile, but whenever I see him saying hi to anyone I wonder in a snap where/when/how/why/for how long... That is not peace. And there is no trust. He doesn't trust me, and I don't trust him. I don't see any change in him, and that is bad. He is the same 15 year old, in the body of a 30 year old... that can be good, and that can be REALLY bad.

Stv... yes, he did very bad things, VERY bad things... but he HAS change through time. And he has been there through it all. He doesn't make me angry with his presence. It bothers me that he has no initiative for doing things, that he is completely laid back... and that he is not expressive about love... but he makes me feel secure. It is not like G, whom I see as unstable and roaming...

Ahhh! I hate being blunt an unpolite to G, but it's what comes out from me, without thinking about it, without choosing to be that way... It's his way of being... Now that I pulled back he wants us to have something. Now that I am tired of begging for us to be together he wants a commitment. Love dies when it is not nourished... And he let me die a long death that was quite painful and bitter. It is not my fault how I react to him... It is how I feel. And it makes me feel sad as well... Because he may be truthfull for once in his whole life... And now I don't want him. Isn't it ironic...

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue

Stv: Has been sick. Yesterday he didn’t appear… He got a letter as I did from the post office for a reunion today at 2pm… Since he doesn’t appear, another job opportunity hes gonna miss… He mentioned he planned to come back this week… Yeah, that would be quite comfortable for him since he’s starting classes and he’ll need a car… Well… Not mine. And I won’t comply to his coming back right now. I feel I must be alone. Took me almost 2 months to get there, but now I feel I must be alone, to ponder life… to make changes… to meet other people and see where my true destiny really is… If G purpose for saying all that Stv has done to me in the past is so I dismiss him from my life… I hate to say it, but it might be working a bit… At least in the sense of Stv lying to me… his betrayal… twice… I had forgotten the depth of all things… because I tend to forget the bad and focus on the good only… That is wrong. That is not fair weighting. Stv dragged me for long, he cheated on me before going to Carolina, and as we came back opps, he did it again… He lived with his lies, with the pornography that he hid from me and my kitties showed to me by mistake… then the porno videos at Cabo Rojo which were another issue… His going out of my house, sneaking out, which turned into fucking up my car… My acknowledging his cheating was with the same girl from the Balboa affairs… How can he make up for that mistake? And how he hurt me, hitting me… damaging my wrist… I always forget that small incident… The years of ignoring me as a woman, of humiliating me with his choosing games and playstation over being with me… His lack of desire for studying, even withdrawing and driving there anyway… Not thinking he doesn’t have a license… Why the eagerness to get out of home? Perhaps there was another… I’ll never know… And I decided to marry this guy… And then his family showed their true colors as well, and I was wise enough to kill off the wedding… And I became the evil witch who cancelled the wedding… And to everyone I did because he had to finish studying because if not they’ll take away the scholarship… But in reality I did because I cannot swear something to God that I know the other person doesn’t give a damn. I know it meant nothing to him… He smiled at the idea, not out of desire of marrying me… It would have been so convenient for him… I am to believe Stv has feelings… so many times he has thrown to my face that I don’t consider his having feelings… Well… Did he considered my feelings when he fucked that girl? Did he considered my feelings when he watched porno mags and movies? Did he considered my feelings when he hit me, or ignored me, or lied to me? Ah! I am too good for my own good, and because I let things pass because I believe in potential and goodness people think I am stupid and blind… But I am not. I am not. And I am tired. He can’t come back now. I gave a deadline and he laughed at it giving me reasons that were not important. He laughed at me. Now I want to be alone and sort my own demons. And I must ask for my key. I must get tough. I have been too mild, too nice, too much of a good sport and sincerely… it is not worth it. Second place to everything… His cheating was the ultimate betrayal, and it happened twice.

G: Asked me to pass by yesterday because he had something for me… Turns out he bought a small candleholder with 2 sides that meet in the middle, and toys for the cats… Touching, but I don’t know if that was an act of plain desperation, or if he means it. We had dinner, then a big argument… He wants to be with me seriously… Now he wants that… He doesn’t get why now that there is nothing in the way I hold back. He doesn’t get why I am so hurt and he thinks I may even hate him. Damnit… After all these years, after everything he put me through he thinks that I am the cause of our not being together, that Steve always came between us and still do, and for everything bad he answers the same at all times: Steve. Yeah, Steve is the big universal paradox that made our lives oh so miserable, his own stupidity had nothing to do with it… no way… And I see that G is very frustrated and trying to reach out to me at all cost, but I feel numb. I feel wary. I feel he will do the same as always, promise and promise and promise for leaveing me for a friends plea… That’s what he always did… leave me… many times… And he throws in my face that I gave Steve so much and yet Stv cheated on me when I paid his rent in Balboa, and then when we lived in CaboRojo, and he had fun with pornography, and still I accepted him… Yet G had never cheated on me or betrayed my trust… G thinks all he did was immaturity and being wreckless because he didn’t knew better… but that he never betrayed me… How come I don’t see it that way? So many times hes been holding hands with so many different girls… So many times I waited for weeks for his phone call… which never came… So many times I cryied for him, day and night… and so many times he deceived me. Lied to me… all for friends and fun… That is nothing. Past is past… He wants me to stop the review and start from now on… How can I do that? How? When I have all my diaries to remind me how much he made me suffer… to remind me of all the things that I never deserved and that he did to me… Forget… Forgive… Move on… I may move on, but I honestly doubt that it will be with him. I am tired… Tired in every sense of the word… It’s not hate… I’m just tired.

Taz: I may meet him this weekend. I plan to go to SJ, stay in Alex’s place so I can go out with Taz during the afternoon and see how that goes… He said that if I couldn’t go over there he would fly over here. Fly? I thought… Oh, he meant it… Airport flight. Well… At least he wants to meet me for real… I just hope I live up to his expectations… I feel so sad I don’t know if my true personality can show… We are both on rebound, Taz with his ex wife, me with my ex boyfriend… I know that no romantic ties apply here, we might be using each other for companionship and understanding and to share some laughs… who knows… I have nothing to loose. It is my last gamble.

I wish I could dismiss the turmoil I feel deep inside, so I could simply go on, smiling, no tears, no deep thoughts about anything, just enjoying the moment… But that is not me… I am all emotions, and emotional me is ripped to pieces, while empathy me is on the verge of suicide. I see no light at the end of the tunnel… The tunnel goes deep within the earth and away into hell. I just want to stop it all, stop feeling… Roses are red because of the bleeding, violets are blue because of you… All of you…

Duality

Stv: Been hanging out with me, helping me with cleaning. No change in his thoughts for what I see, but hey… I am starting to ponder if this is the best thing after all… I don’t know. He has to fix things at his school, he has to get a job, and he has to put himself together. We’ll see…

G: Now he has been calling and even offering to help me clean. He passed last night with a sandwich and juice… It is interesting that now that I am showing no interest whatsoever is that he tries looking for me. Ah… men… The thing is, I don’t feel the love. I feel nothing. I don’t know if it is that I am too focused on Stv, or if it is that I finally rid myself of the gringolas that I had… I don’t know… But growing old with Steve is not such a bad idea after all. And it seems to be a bad idea when I think of G… G has not changed. His view of job security is in the clouds, and his talents may be good but are put to waste. I don’t see him standing by my side if I need him. I don’t see him being a husband. As of today, love is lost.

I don’t understand myself. Each day I get more surprised on how it is possible to simply change your mind in an instant… and change your life forever. I have always thought of G as the love of my life… Perhaps it was his lack of enthusiasm, perhaps it was his absence and his false accusations, perhaps it is that time has finally taken a toll on us… Perhaps I have changed too much, or nothing at all… But that thrill that I used to feel whenever he called me, whenever he saw me, whenever he took my hand… that thrill is gone. And I see he tries, and even seems so convinced that finally this is it… But somehow I am uneasy and apprehensive about the whole idea… I lost my trust on him… I lost my belief in him… I see in him the man that took me away from happiness twice: first from Alex, then with Stv.

I see that I have becomed accustomed to the details that only Stv can give me… I see that Stv talks to me about the things that interest me, and that our ideas are linked… with G it is not this way… G makes me sleepy because he bores me… He talks about things I couldn’t care less… Stv would be a good father, would take care of our home, and I know because he has taken care of my cats. G… he hates my cats and he tries to cover that fact… I don’t know truth anymore. Am I obsessed with Stv? That’s what he said the other day… that I was obsessed… Perhaps I am… Perhaps that makes me forget all the bad things that happened through the years… Perhaps that obsession makes me see him in a different level… I don’t know.

I walk alone, but not lonely… that is the only truth. I thought it was a good thing to get in a dating service, but it has been a bad choice because I simply have no time for that. I need rest, I need to make things work at work, I want to make changes in my life, go back to study, get the PhD… I would like to make different friends than the ones I have now, but seems that people are very misguided and only wants to know you to have sex with you period. And I am not into that. I am from a different era…Whatever…

I’ll apply to the different jobs at work, to see if I can get a career change. I need it. Besides that I want to start working as webdesigner and events coordinator… in a more stable basis. Plus I want to get my last degree in business, to complete that cycle. Afterwards, I may get the MFA I want… but I feel I must do the PhD… for me. I hope I get the house I want by the end of this month… I want to be able to live in my own place, and surround myself with the things I like and cherish… I want peace and quiet. I am tired of moving, of not belonging, of distress. Hopefully, this will be done… soon… So I can paint… So I can be free…

I want to get married in 2006. It should be the best thing… By the end of October, of course… If Stv comes back to me, it shall be done. If not… Something wicked should come my way. God has great plans for me… I just must keep on believing.

Palo si boga, y palo si no boga…

Some things go beyond being a nuisance…

Stv: The one that has to find himself… That I am not the problem, that he is… He’s looking for a job, yadda yadda… Today he said if he gets a job then he’ll come back… Whatever… I’m starting to get annoyed with everything. That’s all I know.

G: Calls to ask me out tonight. I said I don’t feel like seeing him and there goes this big bombarding me about me and Stv, or that I’ve been brainwashed… He thinks that now that Stv is not home is the right chance for us. Now he thinks that. I think that 1 ½ month passed by and he didn’t came to me. I gave him 3 chances and 3 times he gave me a 4th place. Now he says he wants to start a relationship… Jah! That he wants something serious with me. Jah! How can I believe him? Just because he has nothing better to do is that he remembers my numbers. I am to full of resentment towards him, towards all the stupid accusations he makes me… And I am tired of being the evil witch of the west. He had a tantrum and said Fine, when you feel ready to have a real thing call me and then he hanged up… Who he thinks that he is kidding? I am supposed to believe in his love, I am supposed to believe his words… I see nothing tangible with him. I am an afterthought…

I deserve to be more than an afterthought. I deserve to be in love, I deserve calls and flowers, and sweet nothings, and details, and dreams. But being an afterthought… It repulses me, makes me want to puke, makes me mad and angry and outraged… I am their afterthought… yes, both of them… I am not the priority in their lives, and so… I quit. I’ve had enough. I’m tired. The bitch is back.

Ghosts and apparitions

Stv: Didnt call or pass yesterday. Must be very busy looking for employment... Right... Using the PS2 control panel for that task... Here I go, assumming things... but in this case, wanna bet?

G: Called saying he has 20 days until graduation. Yipee. Hurray... Thats the most excitement I can give right now. Sorry. Yay. Yippe. Thats it. Said he wants to take me to see Sky High and to dinner today... Let's see how that goes, if it happens, if I have no migraine...

Natural Born Stupidity

G: He called on Fri asking me to call him back, saying he had been sick for 2 days, unable to get off his house. I didn't call him. Why? Well... I was sick for a whole month and he didn't really bother with it. He actually gained knowlede of that on the last weeks of my sickness... I am tired of playing caring nurse for people that doesn't appreciate me. And that doesn't mean I don't care... I just can't go on like this. Even if it breaks my heart.

Stv: Doesn't want to come back, says he can't because he feels he would be doing it out of pity, that he's not ready, that he feels nothing for noone... yadda yadda... I'm tired of pleading. I am tired of asking. One day he'll go home and find I don't live there anymore... That's how I see things. I don't feel like telling him my plans. What for? He doesn't include me in his plans... Actually, no one does. I am deeply hurt with his attitude... He's trying to make up for the hurt he's causing me by buying things and helping me... but it is not enough. I feel so betrayed... I say nothing of it, for what... I can't see him as a friend... What else can I do...

Taz: It's little by little, but from speaking just the necessary he's slowly giving in some of himself. Being to the point and saying things without going around has been different and quite refreshing in a way... At least he's getting used to chatting with me everyday. Somehow I have the feeling he trusts only a few and although he may have the means to do things he is a bit uneasy about that thought... He's a responsible father, and that says much about him. I am not too thrilled about his job but he was honest enough to mention it beforehand and that is also a plus... It makes a whole difference when you say things out of your own will than because of you been pushed by questions. I like him. He has the taste of an elf, even if it's all wrapped up in his human form. But, it's all platonic now. We don't even really know if we will meet... Or if we should... LOL Whatever...

Marie: Hope she is not mad at me... but I grew bored waiting for her call. Will try calling her after work today...

Mark: I thought he would be mad at me for abruptly cancelling our movie "date" when Carlos and his gf where here... Well, at least he was not. Now I know. I had not called him because I thought he didn't want to talk to me... I need to get rid off this big "no one wants to speak to me" complex...