TSUNAMI DONATIONS to World Vision

Donations for Tsunami disaster SURVIVORS
Here is a reliable place in which to give help, World Vision donation's site:
DONATIONS FOR TSUNAMI SURVIVORS click here!!!

If you have any problems accesing that site, try WORLDVISION.org

Or, you may also call toll-free 888-56-CHILD (24453)to make a donation to World Vision's Asia Tsunami Response.

Many other articles, comments, essays, opinions, spiritual guidance and information found at BELIEFNET.com

This New Year give the gifts of HOPE and selfless LOVE to those who needs them most...

Ch 3 Unconscious...

Had to get a paper last night at the church in Hormigueros, and it was awful. It stressed me so much… Stv & me had to pick another date, chose May 28, 2006. I don’t know if that’s good or not… I am not comfortable with the idea… And lately been listening to many testimonies of people getting married with no love and how miserable their lives are… I don’t know… It’s not that there is no caring, and the little love that is left may grow, but right now I just don’t know…

Gil has been doing his practice at the Docks, and seems he may get a permanency there… He says he’s been thinking how goo that would be for us, to help us achieve our dreams… I watch the pictures of us, and the way I smile and the way he smiles radiates so much feeling… We radiate joy when we are together… And, of course, when we are not fighting… I don’t know about him either… He wants many things but keeps on in the doing nothing to achieve what he wants… He says that right now he is offering me a life, and that now that he has something to offer I just don’t take it… How can I just leap into oblivion without second guesses? Yes, I love him… Yes, I’ve always loved him… It’s been 15 years of loving each other so much… And the same, it has been 15 years of hurting… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to do it… I don’t know which turn to take…

I am unconscious…

Chapter 2.5 Buried

Here I am , laying awake in my coffin, thinking about what to do with my afterlife...

Stv has improved in ways of trying to reach me. He's trying to earn my attention, but after the argument about the invitations pictures I am way off with the whole concept. I want to be a free soul right now, I have lost my believe in marriage. And the black hole within me takes into it every breath of hope...

G called, and swears love and eternal flames and all the smoochy crappy stuff. I wish I could believe. But I feel dead inside... Dead...

I don't know what to do in matters of how both want to approach me. They both believe I love, they both want to be with me forever, and this happens just after I flip and renounce to love and hope and trust. And when I renounced I meant it. I feel no joy, I feel no truth... I simply feel nothing for them, but contempt... I can only smile politely but say nothing because I lost belief... And how can I gain THAT back?

Here I lay in my coffin, very still, watching the spider create its web, feeling the ground and the worms all around trying to get in. My body doesn't move. My hands ogainst each other as if in a calm stance... Here I lay, and I close my eyes, and focus on my own fading heartbeat... It dies away, little by little... And then I am no more.

Chapter2 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

I was killed last night. The last part of me that held some belief in life and goodness died. I had no sleep, and although I want to stop crying I cannot stop…

Trilogy did not even bother to resurrect at the 22nd… what could have been our 2nd monthaversary… Haven’t hear from him since last Friday at midday… before I hanged up. We were nothing, he said… Seems he meant it…

So, following logic I decided to give some credit to whom really deserved it… So I decided that I would stop caring for Trilogy and will give Groundel a complete chance for life. I was re-writing the wedding invitations, when he arrived he was surprised but no stir… I felt he was not moved… We watched 2 movies. Then I just spent the rest of the night lost in thought, lost in his cold reaction, lost in the pityfull reality that I have around me… And I cry without thinking, or wanting to… Reality kicks in after 5 days of no Paxil… And I cry… For it is all I can do right now, in this time of “Joy”and “Brotherhood”and “Hope”.

There will be no wedding. Neither with Gilberto nor with Steve. Alex was right… I am to end up a crazy old lady, surrounded by hundreds of cats… but alone…

Chapter 1.5 The Waiting

And so, the waiting game comes again. My dearest will not appear for a whole week and will then call up and ask why I have not called/visited him... I write this so I remember I told myself so...

It is not worth it. The worship is not from both sides, I am the sick puppy who always looks for him... He has never done anything to show his depth of love... I thought this was it, the big event that finally happenned... I thought he would be a bit more focused on us... But I am the only one who thinks of an US. He is only for himself... And I die each day... each night...

If by Jan 1 this situation doesn't change, I will start the new year being free of his ties forever. 15 years of waiting is more than enough. I am 31... I have known the greates of love, who has brought to me the greates of pain... I will move on. 12 more days until doomsday...

Chapter 2 Mirror mirror on the wall...

Predictions come true, once more. Called him to go see him, and then he was in a rush getting ready to go to the Ferry because today starts his practice... I overreacted, of course... I knew nothing of this... He says that he was told on Wednesday... I said how come he didnt even have 5 minutes in his so called busy life to tell me... and I asked why he didnt call me last night... So he says he went to a friends house and stayed there. And that he was in his "bubble"stage and didnt felt like talking about it. I said I felt like a cero a la izquierda, that I was suppossed to be the one that he told these things right away. He said noone understands him. I said I am your girlfriend, no? And he answers What! You know you are not my girlfriend, we are nothing. And with that I hanged up, and bursted in tears once again.
His bi-polarity and his bubble... What about my depression, my having to take pills thanks to him... My breaking down to pieces whenever he feels like being a loud mouth...
I feel broken. I feel without oxygen, I feel I've been stabbed again... and again... and again... I feel I'm dying and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it...
I love him. I love him dearly. But I cannot go on like this... I just can't...

Chapter 1

The Soulmate
He is the love of loves. I would give EVERYTHING for him, and I have… For 15 years I have waited for him. I almost married another because I grew tired, but then he reapeared and renewed the strenght of my love for him… And so here I am, waiting again… Neverending story…

The Best Friend-Companion
He is the one that loves me strongly, deeply. He is thankful for every gaze I put on him, for every moment we share… Although we do not share a lover's embrace. We almost married… But then, I was not feeling right about the decision… And so…

The Best Friend-Guardian
I loved him almost as my greatest love… But I failed him greatly. I cheated on him with my soulmate. And still, he decided to stay in my life as my best friend and counselor… my guardian angel. Forever.

What we have now…
I love my soulmate, and I am trying to give him THE chance of a lifetime… I want to be his wife, I want to have a family with him, I want to grow old with him. Each time we are together there is magic in the air, there are fireworks in the background and hearts flying all around us… We have the same magic as we did from the start. The big problem is his family. His mother, she hates me… she is the main reason he stays medicated. The father, an alcoholic who doesn't work. His grandparents who treat him as a stupid slave. He was raised a mama's boy, no obligations, everything given to him… He's studying now… 28 years later… but no work at all. What can be the future for both of us? I really don't know… We can be happy, if only we could stay away from the gore that he has around him. There are some mayor decisios that he must do… and that I don’t know if I'm willing to wait for any longer… I have discovered that my mind has changed much… I may understand how to be a brat and I may even be a brat for a while… but I am a woman. And that implies a-lot. It implies responsibility, it implies aspirations, it implies a desire for stability and growth and prosperity. Just how much is he willing to share with me? Just how much is he willing to do for me? How much is he willing to give, to sacrifice… for our sake? Will he grow responsibility leaves in his tree? Will he work, and share expenses with me? Will he show details with me, and make me feel I am special? Will he be there every time I need support, good and bad times?
It's all a lottery. It's all uncertain. It's all painful. And it is all tiresome. If I stop to think about things, I would just stay with my best-friend-Companion because he has shown that he loves me… But being true to my own heart I just cannot do that… because I still believe in my soulmate… because I know true love whenever I think of him…
It's a no-win situation, in which I have suffered much… And I know there is much to come… But then I recall the movie "As good as it gets"… And that saying… Is it so bad to have someone around you that loves you so much, that thinks you are IT?
Only time will tell… Again.

Death in a family part II

Betsynet Maldonado... Diagnosed with brain death... Do not know anything more... I'm sad... She is my friend, and is missed...