Had to get a paper last night at the church in Hormigueros, and it was awful. It stressed me so much… Stv & me had to pick another date, chose May 28, 2006. I don’t know if that’s good or not… I am not comfortable with the idea… And lately been listening to many testimonies of people getting married with no love and how miserable their lives are… I don’t know… It’s not that there is no caring, and the little love that is left may grow, but right now I just don’t know…
Gil has been doing his practice at the Docks, and seems he may get a permanency there… He says he’s been thinking how goo that would be for us, to help us achieve our dreams… I watch the pictures of us, and the way I smile and the way he smiles radiates so much feeling… We radiate joy when we are together… And, of course, when we are not fighting… I don’t know about him either… He wants many things but keeps on in the doing nothing to achieve what he wants… He says that right now he is offering me a life, and that now that he has something to offer I just don’t take it… How can I just leap into oblivion without second guesses? Yes, I love him… Yes, I’ve always loved him… It’s been 15 years of loving each other so much… And the same, it has been 15 years of hurting… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to do it… I don’t know which turn to take…
I am unconscious…
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