What unrealistic expectations have I placed on myself lately?
Expectations:I will leave Disney completely. I will live from being a counselor, get my hours done and get certified. Why? By now, 12 years of Disney... I HATE Disney, I HATE what it has become. I need people arund me that are not superficial and petty. I am into human services, and working with a big corp is taxing my sense of advocacy and helping others. My values are not aligned with Disney.
Unrealistic... because my health insurance is with Disney... and I am chronically ill with dianetes type 2 getting low vision with R-eye with displaced retina and L-eye with constant bleeding and constant shifts in vision.
Counseling job, great vocational plus of giving back, but the negatives:
- High financial stress due to patients cancelling last minute and so from 20 patients in reality I see 10-12. No bueno.
- I am under contract, so no benefits deducted... Brace on for February's pay for income tax. No insurance, no deductions... brings big losses at end.
This deeply saddens me. As a registered intern I earn $38/hr. I need to complete 1,500 hours. I started in February, so so far I have eraned an estimate of 370 hrs in 9 months... part-time caseload of 20 patients... who cancel like there's no tomorrow. And then entering notes is hell, because of my low vision... I can spend 30-45 minutes entering notes on one patient. So I basically spend 2 hours with each patient... so in reality that $38 per hour turns to 18.50/hr...
I know that when I am fully licensed it will jump to $60/hr which will not be horrible, but right now it is a big impact. My eye situation is not improving. And just when I get the hang of notes the company is changing their system... so I know it is back to 1 hr until I get it all straightened out.
So... day job will still have to be Disney. Until I get another day job that has benefits...
When I feel low-energy, how do I usually respond and how do I want to respond?
My usual response: shutting down, being angry, irritable, upset, impatient, unkind. I usually bottle it up with my fake smile, feeling like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But that's how I respond in inside voice. Outside voice rolepalys what the company expects. After 12 years it has been taxing more and more... and thats why it is draining... the effort is too much, all the time.
I want to respond... quitting and going on with my life. I want to scream at people how petty, thoughtless, and vain they are. So many issues globally, and they scream and kick because of a stupid trip in which there was a little rain and they want their money back... Meanwhile: shootings, war, death... but not in Disney.
How can I give myself grace this week without completely switching off?
I tried giving myself grace from September 22 to october 25, today. I went in a short term dissability leave. My eyes could not take it anymore. My soul could not take it anymore. I wanted to try counseling alone. Bills piled up, and counseling is not providing for them.
We live paycheck to paycheck. I look for solutions, but as of now I must go on working at DIsney until God grants me walking into the right place so I can stay there for the next 15 years.
What worthless work are you doing right now?
Worthless: Only doom scrolling qualifies. Because all i do is not worthless. Ive been too responsible all my life, I am TIRED of being responsible. I have no one to take care of me. I am the brain in my situation, the one with vision... but somehow I could not stand tall enough to make the money that should have come by now. I am 52... borderline broke... with chronic illness eating away my sight. I hate being dependant on others. I wish I could take the car and get lost. I cannot drive. I have two masters degrees and I am a sitting duck with many action plans having to wait on average joes to move along and do what they have to so the plans become true. It is a big problem. My worthless work... is having vision and plans no one else sync into because they are not there yet.
What meetings produce no decisions?
I meet with all my tribe of personas and the decisions have been based on my reality. I dream high keeping my feet grounded. I will jump ship from Disney when I get the big opportunity I keep seeking, sending out resumes and keeping my mind updated by training, reading and creating.
What reports does no one read?
Me. I am THE report. No one reads me. I have all solutions, but I am not seen.
What processes exist simply because "that's how we've always done it"?
Daily life in a way. Work, eat, work, eat, second work, eat, squeeze sleep in.
Not too complicated, not too brilliant... It is what it is. I cannot chase waterfalls without support, especially now.
What dream have I been delaying because I’m scared to start?
Scared to start... Leaving Disney to go counseling full time.
But I did this trial and it went from scaring to a fact that my inner voice said quietly "I told you so".
What’s one small step I could take toward it today?
Today... cross my heart and hope things fall in place.
I return to Disney tomorrow... asking for accommodations... we will see how it goes.
But... I have an interview next week... my last hope. It would make me hapy. It can tie in all I have learned in life. It would be perfect. And I am praying that this gift is granted... so I can grow into counseling the people I want to help most, through vocational rehabilitation, applying my knowledge in technology and in business and as a counselor, ironically servicing the blind. This could be poetic justice for me. And it would bring in all my professional history, and my woes... mixing up the recipe for what I need and want into a lovely cake that I can definitively eat.
Insights
Taking prompts to develop thoughts that I already have developed... It's been long since I put thoughts into words. But I always have thoughts. I have direction, I have goals, and I do what I set out to do.
I know I want to be an art therapist or a vocational rehabilitation counselor.
I completed the mental helth counseling degree as it was the closest thing. But it is not my bet for life. I want to help people with disabilities thrive, technology and art included. I have never doubted this main goal. Life has slammed many doors for me here in the US, and all the prejudice I have faced is appalling and unepected because I was so naive... I am older and wiser. And I want to spend my last years building up a legacy that has a foundation on giving back, earning stability and being able to say I want to eat anywhereand actually do it without looking at prices.
Willie left Kali his home, and that will be the beginning of her stability. After the name works is set, and the ceiling is renewed and the walls are painted, renting it Section 8 will bring an income for the next years that will be for keeping it tidy and for Kal savings.
Gladys house, after the name is set then it will be fixed up and I will make sure of keeping my side intact, but dividing 2 outer areas for renting. That will cover utilities and bring in some income for savings towards the end.
And here, I keep looking for my Holy Grail: a job in local government that has healthcare benefits and that grants student loan forgiveness after 10 years of service. I must stay here 9 more years to complete our house process/demands, and then after that we can either keep/sell whatever. I want to go back to my island, so that's that. But I cannot foresee how things will be in 10 years over there... I just want to make sure that when I retire I will not have to pay student loans or anything else... so I can then focus on my other plans... because there are ALWAYS plans.
I don't sit still wishing. I do the work, trusting God will send in the right one. After all, He has. That is the story of my life. Every little thing has prepared me for His challenges. Let him put me where I can be of real service, using my talents as he granted them to me.
Amen.
