About The Best... Gaston!

LOL The allegory of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, and who seems to be the only man that meets my standards for perfection as a mate... Alex. But, Gaston is very stubborn and looks for his own endeavours... And will never see me as his other half unless he comes back in another life...

We've had some history. We only lasted 10 months many years ago... And through the years after that one thing has been constant and clear: Although we've had other mates, no one else can challenge the worth and respect that we have/feel for each other. He is my best friend, confident, he knows my deepest secrets and my worst fears... He can read me as an open book... His mind is a wonderful playground... He has interesting things to say at all times, and he can go from adult to child in a second. He is sarcastic, dry, to the point... Yet he is truthfull, honest, kind, tolerant, sweet and generous with those he love. He is someone I can look in the eye and believe with no doubt that is my equal. The little times we share at the mall or restaurants he makes me laugh as noone else can, and are memories that are always dear to me.

He has been there through good and bad. He has warned me of bad choices, but sticked around to give support and a shoulder to cry on. His dual standards for metro and island anoys me, but no one is perfect and that is his only tradeoff. He is all a friend should be, and the time he was my boyfriend he made me understand the true meaning of loving, he soothed my temper, he made me believe in pixies and Dreamland. He restored my belief in my being a complete woman, which I doubt so much thanks to Gilberto. I guess he has been the only one who romanced my mind and gave me so much respect and attention... I was a fool for failing him. He is the best thing that never happenned to me.

About Charmin

Erm... Prince Charming? LOL Ok, About Steve...

He asked me why I love him. Why? As if I need a tangible reason for irrational feelings... But I do have them if there is a need for acknowledgement. There are reasons for hate and reasond for love and reasons for being.

For hate: Lies. Lies all around, in the tip of his tongue. Lies which are good enough at the moment, but which I always find out and enrage me... but more than anything, hurt me, hurt my trust. It is bad enough he ain't studying basically because I didn't grant my car for the endeavour. It is even worst that he ain't working because he quit his job at VolCar and no one else hires him (been like that for 2 months and a half now). But the top of everything are the lies... The betrayal years ago, thanks to which I wonder right now if there is another and for how long he deceives me...The lies about studying, when he had withdrawn from all classes and still took my car for them... The lies about work... The lies that betray time and space and reason... That hate can battle my hate for his playing nonstop on the PS2. It is almost as the only pleasure he can feel and understand is the playing games constantly... day and night... How many times have I gone to sleep while he keeps playing on the cursed console? How many times he has ignored me putting the games and PS2 first? Gaming and lies... the perfect combination for a swindler, a thief, a loser... How can I feel deep respect for someone like that? How can I trust my life and soul to someone who cannot look straight into my eyes and tell me the truth, raw, to the point... How can I live on wondering just how many times he slept with that bitch, and if he still sees her... or another? How many times can I stand wondering how I have failed as a woman, why things stray so much from the path, why all of the shit had to happen... why nothing good stayed that way...

For love: The duality of his existence is simply astonishing. Why I love him, if he seems to be so bad for me? A leech? A tormenter? Perhaps it's masochism. I have to admit some things, though...
I love to wake up and see him at my side.
I love that while I prepare to get to work, he is considerate and do breakfast
I love that he calls me up at work to ask how my day is doing, and what would I like to have for dinner (either bought or he cooks)
I love that I arrive from work and he hugs me
I love his smile while we eat and talk our daily talks
I love his patience with me when I get anoyed or emotional, or angry, or mad
I love his tolerance of my tantrums and spoiled brat attitude
I love his affection towards the kitties... he worships them
I love his company, his words when they are alluring and intelligent
I love his passion for movies, sci-fi and horror... we are atuned with that
I love the connection we have... an empathy towards each other... We know each other's tastes and thoughts and dreams...

Perhaps we compliment each other. I don't know... What I do know is that the times he has been away from me have been untolerable, disgusting, bad... Everything around me seems better when I share all with him. It is sad to have news and find out there's no one to share them with... I find deep loyalty in him, as a friend. His mind is not 100% rigt... heck, not even 50% right... but his intentions are true, as well as his heart.

Things go wrong when they are in his hands... call it fate... call it ill luck... but I know he tries his best... People do not have the same talents and abilities. I am good at most things but I guess i was lucky to be exposed to certain situations from my early youth. He has been exposed to bad situations only, time after time after time... which defined his dark-aloof core... and made him weak in so many other things... irresponsible... thinking his worth is low or none at all... It stings my heart, because he is Leo and I saw all the things he wanted to do before his grandma's death, and I witnessed how he changed into the little thing he became... out of loss and pain... out of lonelyness...

I have tried to bring the best in the worst he can be... I have tried to show him another path, the rewards of being good which may not be visible to the eyes but which feeds the soul... I have tried to inspire him to do things for a better life, for progress... to aim high, to believe in himself, to use his talents, to dream again... I have tried to let him see the colors of life. I have given all I had, more than 7 years of that... I have helped all I could. Now, the ball is in his side of the court. He must finish studying. He must graduate. And he needs to get a job in which he stays. It's the only way he can prove he has earned responsability, and that his leech years are over. He needs to grow, be a man, and then come to me and offer me his heart... I wonder just how long that whole process will take. I wonder if time will actually become our ally... He is the one I almost married. Maybe I should have after all... I lost money, and efforts... everyone became mad at me... and in the end it is he whom stays at my side at all times, as companion, as best friend...

Time... Truth... Honor... Faith... Loyalty... Friendship... Love

Mental notes about a Beast...

About Gilberto:

These are the things I must remember each time that I think I want to give him a chance… because these are the things that will affect my life if we were to be together…

1. Paranoid and obssessive. He thinks that I am all the time with company and that no matter what I do I’m always with Stv… He is obssessed with me and Stv, he cannot separate the thoughts about us. He expects Stv to pop out of nowhere and just be there.

2. Obssession/compulsion with me. He expects me to report to him almost hourly. He wants to monitor my every move and expects me to call at all times for no reason, for any decision I must make, for every problem that I confront. His opinion/knowledge of the situation is a necessity for him. Almost as if I were not capable of doing things myself, and just to make sure that factor Stv is not involved

3. My friends must accept him or he wont let me near them. Alex has become an issue too… If Alex wont let him sleep in his house, I cannot stay in Alex’s house because that means Alex is interested or that Stv is around… Hellooooo! For himSara is a bitch, a loss, a loser. For him Alex is a preppy, a looser. For him Steve is the best friend who betrayed him, and the loser that I consent.

4. He has been on psychiatric treatment ever since he was 9 years old. While he was with me he had no treatment because I made him “stable”and feel “secure”. Ironically, I recall he hated my authority and my guts, and did things behind my back. Using drugs and going out every night added to his need for therapy. His so-called friends wanted him so he threw games, not a real friendship… He says he trusts noone and that he trusts no women, that he is alone and will always be alone because everyone he allows close hurts him, that everyone betrayed him in every way, that everyone used him. His paranoic delusions about me and Stv cannot end based on the fact that he doesn’t trust me. He says/thinks/believes Im a liar, that I have alternate plans for him… So he acts as he believes…

5. His nightlife, so-called “work”. His hobby and his friends are the triggers for this so-called job… He is proud of being the only person in the island that works as a “roadie”. He works putting together the bands equipment and then monitoring it all goes well, and then taking everything out… In the meanwhile, he enjoys the show and “trips”. Somehow this doesn’t look as a job. He’s not in an employee list, he has no benefits, no ss, no medical plan… He gets paid by the band leader every Sunday and that’s it. During the week, he works 4 nights/shows. His lifestyle demands him to be available for his boss/friends anytime after 7pm. And if there is any other show or promotion during daylight, the boss calls and he’s there… More than an employee, it looks like he’s a lackey. And he’s always sucking up to his boss and friends…

6. His vision of me never changes. For him, I am miss Bitch who is out there for making heads roll and for screaming and yelling and killing Bill. He cannot see me as someone who relates well with others, who is better than most if not all of his acquaintances, who is a professional and who deserves respect and a different kind of treatment…

7. He talks to me as if I were one of the boys. He swears at all times, and his vocabulary is in a bad rot.

8. His themes: programs for gaming, downloads of games… games, games, games… Either that or whatever happens with the band… Nothing further… No mental stimulii… nothing of deep interest… just games… Sometimes it is ok, but sometimes it is NOT ok.

9. His behavior… nervous all the time. He cannot help it… he doesn’t take his pills when he should and his awareness of every little detail is sometimes too much.

10. His appearance. El hábito no hace al monje… pero lo distingue. He dresses up terribly. He looks like a college boy… always stinks as cigarrettes… uses same garment more than once which leads to cigarrette smell to the 5th degree… uses those stupid hats that makes you look like a delinquent… I don’t get it. He is handsome, but you gotta take off all the improper attire, then shave him and make him take a long bath in thermal waters maybe… He looks the same as 16 years ago… The same overall. That is NOT good.

11. In matters of discipline… responsibility… That doesn’t change. He is not into being in charge of anything. He is careless with whatever requires a continuity. He has no priorities: Spends all his money in trading cards and comics and games… and his closet is screaming for a change… and his belly is screaming for real food. Taking me out to dine at fancy restaurants doesn’t impress me much. Seeing him saving money for the future, actually THAT would impress me… some…

12. He may love me, but the “me” he loves is not the me of right now, but the me of 16 years ago. I was a case… but naïve, innocent, a believer in dreams and achieving the impossible, and I had only eyes for him… I trusted him with my life and soul… Now… I love him, that I know… But trust him as I did once is simply impossible. I see him as a smoking-drinking-fastalker who achieved an associate degree by miracle, who base his job on friendly influence, who has no stability mentaly or physically. I see him and I see a loser, who is always sucking up to his so called friends, who look for him so he serves them… I see him gaming, having a night life that I don’t aprove off, his mind and nerves thrashed by all drug overdoses he had. I see him and I see what he could have been at my side, all the things we could have accomplished, the family we could have raised… But now… What is left but a sweet memory of the past… a memory that is utopic because in reality I suffered much for his love, and he just partied on on his own, laughing at me, putting everyone before me, spurning me.

13. His rages… the bookcase that he sent over me, the time that he almost threw me down the stairs so I would go (after facing his father who had a knife, defending his mother), the times he left me, the times I saw him with females who were just friends but knew his wherabouts deeper than me… his going out at night, to clubs where he danced with so many… while I was at home thinking of him and studying… his lies… all the money I invested on him, for nothing… all the time I invested on him for nothing… all the dreams I invested on him for nothing…

14. He dares to say I am not the perfect one. He thinks there are others who were better than me, still while he tries to go back with me. What the fuck? You should be with the person you hold in your highest regard. It is clear I am not… He said his other gf was better than me. Sad thing, is she isn’t… all the others have been into smoking, drinking and drug using… Oh, wait… joda… THAT’S why they are better… that’s what he values most…

Unpolite, talks too much and too much nonsense, has little intelligence although some knowledge… Too good with people although with the wrong kind… And that is the man I want to marry right away… A man who puts me down, who is insane, who diminishes my worth, who doesn’t trust me, who doesn’t respect me… who wants to command my every action and word and will…

I was not born to be no ones slave. I was born to be appreciated, to be admired and taken care of… I am to be loved and respected and to be trusted and to receive faithfulness and goodness. I am tired of throwing pearls to the pigs. I am tired of being spurned for being a shiny star and believing in goodness. Gilberto has done all of this. I shall never forget, no matter what words he says, no matter which promises are made. In the end, he is not into giving me my place. It is all the egotistical, selfish view of his world first, his friends second… maybe I get a third. And that aint the best.

And I deserve the best.

Grimm Harvest

Sti: Havent seen him from Sun afternoon… Guess hes taking too seriously the giving me time to breathe thing… There is no way for me to communicate with him, and I am sorry but I wont visit that place where he lives. So… Hope he appears anytime soon. Miss talking to him... Hate having good news and noone to celebrate with…

Gil: Outing on Sun, no word from him until Mon night (he said he had been trying to find me the whole day…), and yesterday went with him to see The Brothers Grimm. He's paranoid, and has developed a macho sense that he doesn't even acknowledge… He has many issues, mostly in his head… Whatever… Always defensive, always unpolite and saying the wrong things… Makes me wonder if he's worth the efforts after all…

Feeling calm, contempt… Getting the house (finally) so I'm happy about that. Being in my aunt's home will be good for me, I know that much… although it will be a sacrifice in the sense that I am a very independent and private person and she's very nosy… LOL But I'll survive. ;)

Changes

Sti: Yesterday he finally got out of the apartment. Took him to his mothers and left… I was in tears. I can’t help feeling sad about it, about our separation. It has been like 8 years with all the ups and downs and downers… What will happen with us in the end? Are we to be lovers or friends? No way to tell how that story will unfold… But now, now its all still, silent… And so sad… I miss him so much. And the kitties. Our small hearth is no more… My heart feels opressed, but I know this is for the best… Change is necessary for us to move on… For him to grow… He needs to finish studying and get a job. I need to finish my inner debate. God help us both.

Gil: Found him yesterday, took me to Isabela and went to Ponderosa. After the nice afternoon lunch went to rent 2 movies and so we watched them until 11:30… He left after Amelie finished. Somehow that didn’t help my opinion about him… I see him leaving always… At least that’s how I feel… He never stays. Yet he makes me feel loved just by the way he looks at me. Go figure… I don’t know if he is the right choice for me… I hate his job, I hate his line of thought… and his mind is stuck in 10 years ago, and his friends are worthless… Why I endanger a proper life with Sti with an unstable what if with Gil? Because life with Gil would be a lottery… theres no telling if we’ll be happy or not… There is deep love, but love aint enough to live on it, is it? I have so many uncertainties about him, I know I need time to sort my heart out… What will Fate’s fickleness bring to me, in the end?

I feel sad, oh so sad… My heart feels oppressed and surrounded by thorned vines. Changes are the next steps… Big changes after so many years of avoiding what was unavoidable… What now?

Tale as old as time

Maybe, maybe not... It will all depend on the events that will develop soon... And it will depend on the flower and its enchantment... If things run smoothly, I'll move on Sat, and a new life may begin on Monday. If next month runs smoothly and I am well convinced, maybe the bells will toll by the end on November, just in time for the house to be ready for the owner's arrival. If I am not convinced then it will be over for good. This year the gaming/chase ends. Either the Beast is mine forever, or he will be killed.

[Belle:] There's something sweet
And almost kind
But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined
And now he's dear
And so I'm sure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before

[Beast:] She glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched she didn't shudder at my paw
No it can't be
I'll just ignore
But then she's never looked at me that way before

[Belle:] New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that he's no Prince Charming
But there's something in him that I simply didn't see

[Lumiere:] Well, who'd have thought?
[Mrs Potts:] Well, bless my soul
[Cogsworth:] Well, who'd have known?
[Mrs Potts:] Well, who indeed?
[Lumiere:] And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own?
[Mrs Potts:] It's so peculiar. Wait and see
[Lumiere and Cogsworth:] We'll wait and see
[All three:] A few days more
There may be something there that wasn't there before
[Cogsworth:] You know, perhaps there's something there that wasn't
there before
[Mrs Potts:] There may be something there that wasn't there before

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

-Beauty and the Beast

Want vs do

Well... facing a bit of reality... thats a do... Want? Someone to shoot me, please... I'm sick, physically and emotionally... Tired, broken... But the show goes on...

I asked Stv to go and do his stuff on his own, pull himself together, school & job & anger management... And I have no promises to make about the future. He said he'll pack and go tomorrow... That's a do.

Gil as bitchy as ever, jealous, screaming, nagging me with no sense... Thats a do. He says he loves me... etc etc... He wants Stv off my life, he wants me to stop hanging out with Stv, he wants our friendship to end and he wants him out of my world, period... his wants. Do? I may agree Stv needs to leave, but he is my best friend and so I wont stop hanging out with him when I feel like it... not everyday... granted... but I wont simply vanish from his life or him from mine. If I could do it with Alex (and it was labor), I know I can do that with Stv (and it will be another labor)... So... I dont know what Giles wants will come true, but my do's does not include turning my back on a friend in need.

So... May give Gile the chance he wants on most grounds he wants... but the issue about Stv's friendship is untouchable.

Time... action... tears... pain... Outcome?

My tarot card had a blank future... that means I should make my own. Good, bad and ugly. Fair enough.

Sad

The strenght of his memory makes me doubt everything I have, makes me wish for his touch, makes me feel his breath at my side... I love him dearly, and whenever I want him at my side it is impossible to make it happen. The eternal child... Is it really a waste of hope and dreams just thinking about you, my dwarf? I miss you... In everything I do... In every memory... Every time... Every second... Why? Why this sudden strike on my feelings? Why this sudden mesmerizing mirage? For what is it worth...

Vomit some

Stv: Asked him to leave as soon as possible, so maybe today he will be gone. He had an interview yesterday, may get the job... But Im in no mood for wishful thinking. I am tired of his presence in matters of being eternally playing on the PS2 and eternally neglecting me. Just one month from his comeback, and in one month he has done everything he has done the last 8 years. So, whats the point? It hurts me, yes, it is not so easy to try to let go... I had never actually asked him to go... But had to. I must get used to being alone, so I dont go insane at my aunt's. I love him, but he has killed the wonder and the belief and the hope for us... He doesnt want to change. He doesnt believe in sharing or communicating... He just breathes. And sleeps. And plays. And eats... What's the point of me? What's the big difference? Not even a hug that says I'm here, that says he cares... And the worst part is, in his muted ways I know he loves me... But the lies and silence and lack of action is not enough to make us survive. If he changes maybe there can be something... but years will pass... That much I know.

Gil: He didnt call the whole weekend. Yesterday got a message from him saying we needed to talk... The big issue is he saw me and Stv in the car going to the mall. And that made him insane and mad at me. He expects to see me alone, or just to be alone period. In the meanwhile all he do is hang out with his friends and do his groupie-work thing at nights... He gets mad at me and he vanishes for days. And he says he loves me... If he keeps on loving me so much I'll have to hire the Professional to get rid of him!

I dreamt last night... that I was looking for someone in a mountain. I had just left a party of sorts, plenty of old people around... everyone was looking for someone and apparently I knew were to find him. I ran through trees and wilderness, and at the edge of a cascade I spotted someone taking a bath in a lake. I called out, and he emerged. Alex. He looked peaceful, like an elf he was lost in his enjoying nature. When he saw me it seemed he remembered something. I managed to reach the edge of the lake, telling him he was running late. He shrugged, getting to the edge. We both stared at the lake, at the beauty of nature. And I heard from him his thanks because I was the truest friend he would ever find. And in the dream I realized that I fel so sad, so suddenly, because I knew that the people who were waiting were a wedding commitee, and that he was to marry someone... And he wanted me as the Maid of Honor, and I complied... But I was dying inside. Because of all the things, I still loved him. Around us white roses bloomed and then fall around, riding the wind. I woke up, shaken. Alex, the greatest nothing that ever happenned to me... My Knight of the White Rose... Forever. As of today, I see him as the only person who is my equal, who follows my line of thought and who respects me as much as I respect him. It is a pity he won't give us one chance... He says friendship is the most valuable thing we share and he wont part from it. A pity... Together we could rule the world, make a difference, and be... whole.

I know that Spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that Clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds means money for this Art
but that's not the shape of my heart...

Testing the stream…

This stream flows even if it is hard, even if she feels broken and deceived. What can I do to stop the jokers from playing tricks on me? What I am to do so the endless pain fades away and new hope gives birth… An empty shell, and still I cannot keep myself from feeling, from believing, from trusting… from being stabbed again and again… I am asked to give so many explanations, yet no one gives any to me. I am expected to give respect at all cost, but none is given to me…

Something as simple as allowing someone else into our haven is plain outrageous… enraging… and I find no excuse for such a thing… How can I trust when I feel so betrayed at all times? No words to believe in, no actions to believe in… I can only taste regret at all sides, at all cost… not even mine… I am tired of taking the blame for things I have not done… I am tired of being pointed as the evil one when all I’ve done all this time is help. Help anyone within my reach, give myself inconditionally and work hard… because that’s all I do: Work and work and work even more… What fun do I have? At home there’s discord in every corner. In the streets people are beyond aggressive. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go clubbing, I don’t go to pubs or bars, I barely go to the theater every other month… Little outings that bring even more discord because something happens, always… I try to be positive, to smile, to give the other cheek… But How much can I take, when enough is enough, when too much is plain too much, when everything turns unfair and twisted…

What’s the point of being good and doing the right thing when you cannot even feel good about it because theres always someone there to point out the twisted version of things that baffles you and makes you angry and misunderstood… Work, trying to make it fun, trying to find a meaning or swift goal for the day by day hell of going to a place you dislike to do something you hate just because you need the money… Its almost like selling your ass to the devil… And still, I try smiling, and volunteering, and helping, and decorating and finding out the brighter side of things… Worthless efforts. I end up crying. I want to do so much… and I can’t… because of small minds around me, because of bad timing, because opportunity never knocks on my door…

I feel weak, tired, used,… I feel in need of a long vacation of years wandering away maybe through mountains and plains… just away… from this cursed place, from the people, from the so called friends and lovers, from the so called family… I just want to be left alone, to rest in peace… to grasp harmony and enjoy the simple things of life… I see beauty surrounding me and when I look in the mirror, but then I see a beautiful world filled up with ugly people, ugly wishes, ugly desires… and it is all scary and frightening… I wish I had the strength I used to have to simply wander off, not caring… Or to do the opposite, and make a difference… Those I help have bitten me so much, too often in truth…

My soul has taken a deep toll… My dreams have been torn and slashed mercilessly… My faith is perhaps all that remains… Faith in myself, in my core, in who I am and what I like and in the way I bring justice… Faith in God and His loving embrace… for he is the only one who embraces me at all times and tells me oh so softly that I am the greatest creation He made, that I am His messenger, that I have a higher purpose in life yet to discover… If it were not because of my strength of Faith I wouldn’t even be here typing these words… I know God has great plans for me, I just wonder about the Journey… but in the end there is no answer, just taking a deep breath and going on… battling the coldest and cruelest storms, facing the maddest of dragons… Going on…

I am water that runs as a stream and shall not stop… no matter the rocks and the falls and the obstacles… Water clashes with softness and prevails with harshness. And whenever they are still, still waters run deep. My core cannot be shaken. My beliefs in lawfulness and the greater good are not shaken. My wish for true love cannot be shaken. I will not stop, but I won’t run in mad blindness. My path may seem longer and devoid of speed, but it is certain and secure. I won’t stop, I will get to my destiny sooner or later. Hopefully someone will be at my side, and if not I shall be happy because I did not make the journey alone after all… I had God with me, step by step, inch by inch… Even in the worst moments of despair… Even when my self seemed lost… Even when death was a seductive alternative although a permanent solution to trivialities… The stream runs…