About Gilberto:
These are the things I must remember each time that I think I want to give him a chance… because these are the things that will affect my life if we were to be together…
1. Paranoid and obssessive. He thinks that I am all the time with company and that no matter what I do I’m always with Stv… He is obssessed with me and Stv, he cannot separate the thoughts about us. He expects Stv to pop out of nowhere and just be there.
2. Obssession/compulsion with me. He expects me to report to him almost hourly. He wants to monitor my every move and expects me to call at all times for no reason, for any decision I must make, for every problem that I confront. His opinion/knowledge of the situation is a necessity for him. Almost as if I were not capable of doing things myself, and just to make sure that factor Stv is not involved
3. My friends must accept him or he wont let me near them. Alex has become an issue too… If Alex wont let him sleep in his house, I cannot stay in Alex’s house because that means Alex is interested or that Stv is around… Hellooooo! For himSara is a bitch, a loss, a loser. For him Alex is a preppy, a looser. For him Steve is the best friend who betrayed him, and the loser that I consent.
4. He has been on psychiatric treatment ever since he was 9 years old. While he was with me he had no treatment because I made him “stable”and feel “secure”. Ironically, I recall he hated my authority and my guts, and did things behind my back. Using drugs and going out every night added to his need for therapy. His so-called friends wanted him so he threw games, not a real friendship… He says he trusts noone and that he trusts no women, that he is alone and will always be alone because everyone he allows close hurts him, that everyone betrayed him in every way, that everyone used him. His paranoic delusions about me and Stv cannot end based on the fact that he doesn’t trust me. He says/thinks/believes Im a liar, that I have alternate plans for him… So he acts as he believes…
5. His nightlife, so-called “work”. His hobby and his friends are the triggers for this so-called job… He is proud of being the only person in the island that works as a “roadie”. He works putting together the bands equipment and then monitoring it all goes well, and then taking everything out… In the meanwhile, he enjoys the show and “trips”. Somehow this doesn’t look as a job. He’s not in an employee list, he has no benefits, no ss, no medical plan… He gets paid by the band leader every Sunday and that’s it. During the week, he works 4 nights/shows. His lifestyle demands him to be available for his boss/friends anytime after 7pm. And if there is any other show or promotion during daylight, the boss calls and he’s there… More than an employee, it looks like he’s a lackey. And he’s always sucking up to his boss and friends…
6. His vision of me never changes. For him, I am miss Bitch who is out there for making heads roll and for screaming and yelling and killing Bill. He cannot see me as someone who relates well with others, who is better than most if not all of his acquaintances, who is a professional and who deserves respect and a different kind of treatment…
7. He talks to me as if I were one of the boys. He swears at all times, and his vocabulary is in a bad rot.
8. His themes: programs for gaming, downloads of games… games, games, games… Either that or whatever happens with the band… Nothing further… No mental stimulii… nothing of deep interest… just games… Sometimes it is ok, but sometimes it is NOT ok.
9. His behavior… nervous all the time. He cannot help it… he doesn’t take his pills when he should and his awareness of every little detail is sometimes too much.
10. His appearance. El hábito no hace al monje… pero lo distingue. He dresses up terribly. He looks like a college boy… always stinks as cigarrettes… uses same garment more than once which leads to cigarrette smell to the 5th degree… uses those stupid hats that makes you look like a delinquent… I don’t get it. He is handsome, but you gotta take off all the improper attire, then shave him and make him take a long bath in thermal waters maybe… He looks the same as 16 years ago… The same overall. That is NOT good.
11. In matters of discipline… responsibility… That doesn’t change. He is not into being in charge of anything. He is careless with whatever requires a continuity. He has no priorities: Spends all his money in trading cards and comics and games… and his closet is screaming for a change… and his belly is screaming for real food. Taking me out to dine at fancy restaurants doesn’t impress me much. Seeing him saving money for the future, actually THAT would impress me… some…
12. He may love me, but the “me” he loves is not the me of right now, but the me of 16 years ago. I was a case… but naïve, innocent, a believer in dreams and achieving the impossible, and I had only eyes for him… I trusted him with my life and soul… Now… I love him, that I know… But trust him as I did once is simply impossible. I see him as a smoking-drinking-fastalker who achieved an associate degree by miracle, who base his job on friendly influence, who has no stability mentaly or physically. I see him and I see a loser, who is always sucking up to his so called friends, who look for him so he serves them… I see him gaming, having a night life that I don’t aprove off, his mind and nerves thrashed by all drug overdoses he had. I see him and I see what he could have been at my side, all the things we could have accomplished, the family we could have raised… But now… What is left but a sweet memory of the past… a memory that is utopic because in reality I suffered much for his love, and he just partied on on his own, laughing at me, putting everyone before me, spurning me.
13. His rages… the bookcase that he sent over me, the time that he almost threw me down the stairs so I would go (after facing his father who had a knife, defending his mother), the times he left me, the times I saw him with females who were just friends but knew his wherabouts deeper than me… his going out at night, to clubs where he danced with so many… while I was at home thinking of him and studying… his lies… all the money I invested on him, for nothing… all the time I invested on him for nothing… all the dreams I invested on him for nothing…
14. He dares to say I am not the perfect one. He thinks there are others who were better than me, still while he tries to go back with me. What the fuck? You should be with the person you hold in your highest regard. It is clear I am not… He said his other gf was better than me. Sad thing, is she isn’t… all the others have been into smoking, drinking and drug using… Oh, wait… joda… THAT’S why they are better… that’s what he values most…
Unpolite, talks too much and too much nonsense, has little intelligence although some knowledge… Too good with people although with the wrong kind… And that is the man I want to marry right away… A man who puts me down, who is insane, who diminishes my worth, who doesn’t trust me, who doesn’t respect me… who wants to command my every action and word and will…
I was not born to be no ones slave. I was born to be appreciated, to be admired and taken care of… I am to be loved and respected and to be trusted and to receive faithfulness and goodness. I am tired of throwing pearls to the pigs. I am tired of being spurned for being a shiny star and believing in goodness. Gilberto has done all of this. I shall never forget, no matter what words he says, no matter which promises are made. In the end, he is not into giving me my place. It is all the egotistical, selfish view of his world first, his friends second… maybe I get a third. And that aint the best.
And I deserve the best.
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