Dysthimia, how I hate you. Sad... constantly sad... And even if I try to distract and move on, it is simply hard knowing that I only have people where I can only listen to and try to guide, but I personally have no one in my corner to cheer me on. The role of just a friend is not even a position that anyone would like to take... Just because I'm far? Just because I am married? Just because I am busy? I don't understand... I have not change in my core: Same silly idealist whod reams of dragons and pirates in the universe... But the mistake is that it has never been about me.
It is time to pull up the old lady undies and face the fact that they have changed. Even if the change is fake, it is their reality. I am a mirage that says hi from far away, and even if I believe distance is no excuse because there's telecommunication... they don't consider me at all. It is time to face that my choice for the pople I love does not translate as me being the choice of their love. I am not the choice when they feel happy. I am not the choice when they have trouble. I am not a choice even for vacations... I am not the choice for daily nothings that are little but mean a lot. I keep throwing pearls to pigs. I keep taking time to think of them, wait for them, indulge myself in thoughts of adventures of talk and of silence... for nothing. Doom scrolling has more productivity than keeping up with these people who just won't think of me at all.
I am endlessly sad, because my best friend died and with him all hopes of not being lonely in life. I have noone to call at 2:00am. I have noone to share my latest ideas or whims. I have no one to share my love for the undead, Star Wars, vampires, space... not as a hobby, not as a lifestyle. I have noone to listen to my thoughts of being broken, a broken mother, a broken being... obsessed with cemeteries and the past, only looking forward to making a difference and helping others as no one helped me.
Thinking of processing trauma is a joke... thinking of real fun and a circle of grilies is a joke... It is sad to acknowledge you are the biggest empty that people dismiss easy because you are not real corporeal but just a thought, a wish, who was there and then is not. I have no friends left. I thought I did... but no. I am conveniently hosted by a very few who appreciate me for who I was... but besides that few, the ones I hold in dearest regard are the ones who don't even bother to talk to me. All that was left of the many, Maria and Alex... Done. I don't know what happened, what I did... what I did not do. Same as Pabon, one day they just stopped. No souveniers. No memo. Just a big stop. And I stupidly keep paddling back trying to get to their shores, idiotically paddling against big waves that they create out of their own ignoring my existence. Waves that get me further and further from them. Waves that have left me adrift in the ocean of what was and forever hoping for an answer... an explanation... an I'm sorry. No one has ever apologized to me for anything, so it has to be me? Maybe that is it. Maybe it has been my gullible self seeing the beauty of these people and not seeing that all along they are as they show, as they do now.
Steve in his being an asshole was true. An asshole that was there when I needed him... not when it was convenient for him... That twist makes the difference. And now that he is gone, years gone, that lesson becomes clear with these people I have adored and been so grateful for... They may have been friends once, a long time ago... but they won't walk through fire to get to me now. Maria was moved by Deedee, not me. My mistake. Alex was moved by ego and pity. My mistake again. The sun goes down and darkness fills the sky, but the moon is always there to shed light over good and evil. I was the moon... I have been made into becoming the sun. I am there to destroy evil and make the light shine forever, until it consumes me.
Again, I am sad. I have no one to share my daily sorrows... not as friends. My husband is there. My daughter is there. My only family left. My only extensions of self left. I used to think my family was bigger because family is not just blood... Steve is still family.
It is a dark day when you come to such realizations, after decades of believing on... Eternal fading.
