Rear view mirror

Summary of my feelings for the last couple of weeks. Enjoy, people.

The skies were pure and the fields were green
The sun was brighter than its ever been
When I grew up with my best friend Kenny
We were close as any brothers that you ever knew
It was always summer and the future called
We were ready for adventures and we wanted them all
And there was so much left to dream
And so much time to make it real

But I can still recall the sting of all the tears when he was gone
They said he crashed and burned
I know I'll never learn why any boy should die so young

We were racing - we were soldiers of fortune
We got in trouble but we sure got around
There are times I think I see him peeling out of the dark
I think he's right behind me now and he's gaining ground!

But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are

And when the sun descended and the night arose
I heard my father cursing everyone he knows
He was dangerous and drunk and defeated
And corroded by failure and envy and hate

There were endless winters and the dreams would freeze
Nowhere to hide and no leaves on the trees
And my father's eyes were blank as he hit me again and again and again

I know I still believe he'd never let me leave
I had to run away alone
So many threats and fears - so many wasted years before
my life became my own

And though the nightmares should be over
Now some of the terrors are still intact
I'll hear that ugly coarse and violent voice
And then he grabs me from behind and then he pulls me back!

But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are

There was a beauty living on the edge of town
She always put the top up and the hammer down
And she taught me everything I'll ever know
About the mystery and the muscle of love

The stars would glimmer and the moon would glow
I'm in the back seat with my Julie like a Romeo
And the signs along the highway all said
Caution! Kids, At play!

Those were the rights of spring and we did everything -
There was salvation every night
We got our dreams reborn and our upholstery torn
But everything we tried was right

She used her body just like a bandage
She used my body just like a wound
I'll probably never know where she disappeared
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now
Just like an angel rising up from a tomb!

But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are

She used her body just like a bandage
She used my body just like a wound
I'll probably never know where she disappeared
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now ...


-Meatloaf, Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are

Kermit would be proud

Darkness falls wrapping all sentient beings with its numbing coldness. But the crow stays perched up over the tombstone, waiting, watching everything. A sigil of things that could be, a witness to the world’s fickleness and malice. Sometimes it is as if I were such… a watcher of insanity, a member of the Talamasca perhaps… Sometimes I wish I could be idle, feeling-less… I wish for quietness, a soft breeze waving my hair, sunsets and dawns… peace and contempt.This world is all about the opposites...

Go on... It's not easy being green...

Something's missing and I don't know why
I always feel the need to hide my feelings from you
Is it me or you that I'm afraid of
I tell myself I'll show you what I'm made of
Can't bring myself to let you go

Don't want to cause you any pain
But I love you just the same
And you'll always be my baby
In my heart I know we've come apart
And I don't know where to start
What can I do, I don't wanna feel blue

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing someone else's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy when I act this way

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing some kind stranger's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy, I'm not happy

Something's happened and I can't go back
I fall apart every time you hand your heart out to me
What happens now, I know I don't deserve you
I wonder how I'm ever gonna hurt you
Can't bring myself to let you go

I don't want to cause you any pain
But I love you just the same
And you'll always be my baby
In my heart I know we've come apart
And I don't know where to start
What can I do, I don't wanna feel blue

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing someone else's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy when I act this way

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing some kind stranger's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy, I'm not happy
This way

I don't want to cause you any pain
But I love you just the same
And you'll always be my baby
In my heart I know we've come apart
And I don't know where to start
What can I do, I don't wanna feel blue

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing someone else's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy when I act this way

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing some kind stranger's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy, I'm not happy
I'm not happy this way

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing someone else's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy when I act this way

Bad girl drunk by six
Kissing some kind stranger's lips
Smoked too many cigarettes today
I'm not happy, I'm not happy
I'm not happy this way

I'm not happy this way
Kissing some kind stranger's lips

-Madonna, Bad Girl

Not even that. But I sometimes wish I were so I would truly deserve all the ill fate I have.

Little Earthquakes...

From bad to worst to unbelievably stupid… Whatever. Nothing means anything anymore. And zest on the small things is gone. Lichdom can do wonderful things to your perspective… No new spells to learn, just old ones to haunt you forever. The skin rots, and pieces fall one by one exposing limbs and bones and worms. Sweet fate. If only things were that simple perhaps I would have no complaints… Maybe I should just shut up and accept my fate with what is left of my dignity. Maybe I should just put myself out of my so-called misery for once and for all. I had many dreams, and none was for real. I believed so I could be squashed like a bug… if I only had a short life span, thank-you. My thoughts pierce my consciousness. My sight pierce my memories. My feelings pierce my soul. My senses pierce my beliefs. I am not whole, and that crack in the wall has begun its stir. But I shall say no more, do no more… Maybe stillness will take me away in its own offbeat song. Silence seems the right medicine in a way, as my patience has waned completely and I am tired of reruns.
.
Yellow bird flying gets shot in the wing
Good year for hunters and Christmas parties
and I hate
and I hate
and I hate
and I hate elevator music
The way we fight
The way I'm left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards with vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of king never afraid to burn
and I hate
and I hate
and I hate
and I hate disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their COLOR

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I can't reach you
I can't reach you
I can't reach you
I can't reach you
can't reach you
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

-Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes

Land of mists... life of mists

I smile, but deep inside this sadness is killing me. I feel I may break down and burst in tears at any moment, yet I go on facing the wind and laughing at it. Just like Garrig, crying smiling…

How can this feeling vanish? I look for the right potion to vanquish this demon that assaults me at all times, at all places… No matter what I do it is simply not enough. No matter what I achieve it is simply not enough. I know my worth, I know I am above and beyond everyone else that surrounds me… But somehow that knowledge only feeds this isolation that I feel, and this need to share all I am… And there is no one.

What has been so wrong with me throughout the years? Almost everyone around me has a family one way or the other… in a good way or bad… the point is they do. The little people that has no point at all has everything I dream of, and it is NOT like they appreciate it… A home to go to, arms that shelter them, happiness that is too simplistic but yet… is. Me… All I have is the unconditional love of 8 cats that don’t know better… I have no one standing beside me, helping me, supporting me, inspiring me. All I do must be done from the strength of my ego and the belief I have in all my abilities. And so I do as I have to, and I go on, unstoppable… And all the while my heart is dragged through a thorny road that scars it constantly… There is no point in stopping to take it in my hands, it is already a broken crust. All the beliefs from my youth has proven themselves silly dreams that are never to come true. Looking or not, all the same. There is noone out there in the whole Universe destined to be at my side. I am to learn a lesson in surviving on my own, seems it must be learned the hard way. This lifetime is all about reaching the stars that I couldn’t reach in my past, or maybe gaining even more awareness of my own… but sharing… that deep need that I constantly feel for sharing… that is the worst nightmare that has been bestowed on me…

I feel everything I do is worthless and useless. Every step I take to make myself better seems to make me even more miserable. Painting doesn’t make me happy anymore. Writing seems devoid of joy. I paint, I write, I create… but it all is devoid of soul. My eyes have no means of smiling. The candles that light my way are all shut, reminiscent of past, filled with dust and hardened wax. I can’t help it. Yes, I acknowledge I do have close friends… And they are the best… But I do not hug friends or kiss friends. I do not bare my soul to friends. And although friends may lift the spirit at some times, all they do is bring a mirage of felicity in a desert of pain. What is the worth of a sudden smile when it is overshadowed by the fact that there is no one to share it with? How can success taste sweet if there is no one to taste it with you? It is a quest without a goal, it is a journey with no destiny… And so I keep moving, wandering through the mists, reaching out at the ghosts that taunt me… finding out only swirls of a broken shadow that belongs no more.



And I never really sleep anymore
And I always get those dangerous dreams
And I never get a minute of peace
And I gotta wonder what it means
And I gotta wonder what it means

Maybe it's nothing, and I'm under the weather
Maybe it's just one of those bugs going 'round
Maybe I'm under a spell and it's magic
Maybe there's a witch doctor with an office in town

Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?

I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit

And there used to be such an easy way of living
And there used to be every hope in the world
And I used to get everything that I went after
But there never used to be this girl
But there never used to be this girl

Maybe I'm crazy, and I'm losing my senses
Maybe I'm possessed by a spirit or such
Maybe I'm desp'rate and I've got no defences
Can you get me a prescription for that one perfect touch

Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
It's a stairway to heaven or a subway going down the pits

I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit

[Instrumental bridge]

Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?

I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit
I don't know what it is, but it just won't quit

There was a time when nothing ever really mattered
There was a time when there was nothing I didn't know
There was a time when I knew just what I was living for
There was a time and the time was so long ago
There was a time and the time was so long ago
And I never really sleep anymore...

-Meatloaf, It just won’t quit

Fate

Ahhh! I am sooooo upset! Mad! Angry! Pissed! You name it! Why, why of all people... Why I must be questioned as if I were a professional liar? Why must I be treated as friggin scum? Why must I receive barks and threats and offenses at this point in my life? Shouldn't I be getting roses, enthralling poems and delightful invitations to walk in the park under a moonlight? Shouldnt I be worshiped and treated as the unique glorious entity I am? How can they expect me to talk about missing or loving if I am at the "can't even stand their stupid presence" phase? I try, but my trying goes to hell as the endless loop of shit keeps its course in their heads. Can it be THAT hard to get the hows and whys of making me feel special? Because it seems there is a national effort on making me feel humiliated, hurt, worthless, unpretty, unwanted, ashamed... Why? What is so bad and so big that makes me deserve all this shit?

My compassion as drowned itself. My faith has ran away. My hopes have been dispelled. If all I get from those I love are steel thorns, WHY they expect me to be the all giving entity of sweetness and love? I am not sweet, quite far from that. They have made me sour, bitter, harsh and quite bitchy. I have become stronger, and lonelier in the process. I have become distrustful of every soul, and wary of anyone that crosses my path... because everyone that tries to get close to me does so because they want something from me... no love involved.

I have hardened my heart in such a way I can no longer express any feeling if not in words in cyberspace, or by means of tears in my pillow. I have no one who understands the core of who I am, no one that truly admires me, no one willing to share life with me, no one that would die for me. I am sad and pitiful, a beggar of love that has expired in the midst of winter with noone holding her hand. I wonder who will kiss my lips when only candles burn at my sides, I wonder who will say my name and quietly shed tears for me...

No one has ever loved me as much as I have loved... No one has ever dared to do things for me, to fight for me, to make me believe... No one has ever gone to his knees asking for my hand in marriage... No one has sent me flowers for my birthday, or shown me the beauty of a sunset while holding me in his arms... I know no kindness from my lovers... I know no beautiful words and intentions and dreams from them... I have only known spurn, deceit, pain... And all that remains of me is but a shadow of all the amazing things I was once... And all that I have left in me is but an inch of dignity if you may call it such... that makes me go on in life... in a lifeless life...

I always wished for true love. Somehow that wish cannot be granted. And my soul will always yearn for it, look for it, reach for the mirage it is... What a sad fate for precious me! What a sad fate... loneliness... for those who truly love...

Returns

Been talking with Taz and MDO after a long gap. Because of the phone line thing I couldn't chat with them, but at least I did not fall in the seas of past. LOL Waterver. They both keep being cool people. That's great. Taz mentioned that on April 13 there will be a Diva Goth party in SJ. That sounds awesome. On the down side, it is in Good Thursday, and I think that Holy Week is not for partying. Since most goths here say they are atheists or satanists it is the factor shock for them... Whatever. But the whole idea is great. Wish they would do those on Saturdays, damnit!

Joe seem to be wordless. I think he still holds a grudge because I didn't gave him money for the laptop thing. Whatever. I don't have it anyway, and he knows it. He still has the same issues... Another one that complains about losers but doesn't see he leads the same life as the ones he points out. He thinks Tril & Stv are loosers... Fine. But he is too. He's 40 something and still has the problems of a college boy. So... Makes one wonder... He has talent, like all other loosers, but doesn't put them to good use and doesn't bother to try making things happen. He's stuck with what he has and since it allows him to survive nothing else matters. Whatever. I don't like the way things are with LS. She deserves much more trying on his part, she's the one always doing the hard jobs. Seems she doesn't mind, but I wonder for how long will she actually stand the burdens... She can be a cold-calculative bitch. Front seats to the play.

Tril has been sick. Mad at me because if I pass by on weekdays it is after 8pm after Stv eats and gets a bath at my house. He doesn't see its a favor. Seems he knows nothing of the Misericordy Deeds, which state: "Give shelter to the homeless" "Give food to the hungry". Whatever. Let him be mad, upset, do his show. It's not like I'll stop helping Stv just because he doesn't like it. He needs to grow up.

Stv has been moving his butt, so he may get the cupones on Friday. Has a date for Reforma on April4. His aunt will get his book and pay his rent until he can do it himself. And she already told him he better hurry up and finish studies because Nasa will look for people between 07-08. And he has a good "pala" to get it. Hope that is enticing enough. Fingers crossed.

Me: I'm tired, sad, hopeful... long week ahead because of the activity thing. Besides that, jaded because of same old crap from people around me. I wish they would see the light and do what they must and be happy. I wish I could be the One in someone's life, but seems I must play solo in this life at least. No one truly deserves me.