Fate

Ahhh! I am sooooo upset! Mad! Angry! Pissed! You name it! Why, why of all people... Why I must be questioned as if I were a professional liar? Why must I be treated as friggin scum? Why must I receive barks and threats and offenses at this point in my life? Shouldn't I be getting roses, enthralling poems and delightful invitations to walk in the park under a moonlight? Shouldnt I be worshiped and treated as the unique glorious entity I am? How can they expect me to talk about missing or loving if I am at the "can't even stand their stupid presence" phase? I try, but my trying goes to hell as the endless loop of shit keeps its course in their heads. Can it be THAT hard to get the hows and whys of making me feel special? Because it seems there is a national effort on making me feel humiliated, hurt, worthless, unpretty, unwanted, ashamed... Why? What is so bad and so big that makes me deserve all this shit?

My compassion as drowned itself. My faith has ran away. My hopes have been dispelled. If all I get from those I love are steel thorns, WHY they expect me to be the all giving entity of sweetness and love? I am not sweet, quite far from that. They have made me sour, bitter, harsh and quite bitchy. I have become stronger, and lonelier in the process. I have become distrustful of every soul, and wary of anyone that crosses my path... because everyone that tries to get close to me does so because they want something from me... no love involved.

I have hardened my heart in such a way I can no longer express any feeling if not in words in cyberspace, or by means of tears in my pillow. I have no one who understands the core of who I am, no one that truly admires me, no one willing to share life with me, no one that would die for me. I am sad and pitiful, a beggar of love that has expired in the midst of winter with noone holding her hand. I wonder who will kiss my lips when only candles burn at my sides, I wonder who will say my name and quietly shed tears for me...

No one has ever loved me as much as I have loved... No one has ever dared to do things for me, to fight for me, to make me believe... No one has ever gone to his knees asking for my hand in marriage... No one has sent me flowers for my birthday, or shown me the beauty of a sunset while holding me in his arms... I know no kindness from my lovers... I know no beautiful words and intentions and dreams from them... I have only known spurn, deceit, pain... And all that remains of me is but a shadow of all the amazing things I was once... And all that I have left in me is but an inch of dignity if you may call it such... that makes me go on in life... in a lifeless life...

I always wished for true love. Somehow that wish cannot be granted. And my soul will always yearn for it, look for it, reach for the mirage it is... What a sad fate for precious me! What a sad fate... loneliness... for those who truly love...