It's beginning. Stv started playing Star wars and now that will be a new thing that will come between us… because his friends also want him to play Werewolf and Dungeons… While he gets involved on that, he forgets he is supposed to study and find a job. So… I am tired of this shit. My caring for him has many limits, and seems I can't reconcile things with him if we are not just friends. If I am not to get anoyed, I cannot be involved. I want to retreat from his life. He doesn't really need me, that is a gríngola that I have been wearing because he lets me wear it out of what is convenient for him. That's how I see it. It is very convenient to have me around because I get food and provide a place where he can play games. I don't see anything else blossoming between us. I feel no love, but an impossed responsibility that is wearing me down. I feel no joy when I see him. I only see a constant presence that is there because he has nothing else to do, not because he loves me.

And Gil, no matter how mad I get at him, his voice makes e feel wanted. His eyes warm me up inside, I feel as if I belonged… But that is another case of "I wont work because Im an anarkist"… And I am tired of feeding leeches. I admit that I feel good whenever he is around, because he makes me feel like a woman. I feel pretty when he looks at me. I feel special. But feelings cannot make up for everything else. So, the cloud pops out and reality sets in and I stop the dream before it even starts…

Tired. Jaded. Bitter. Won't trust. Won't dream. Playing a solo harmony.

I'm pissed. There is absolutely no sense of responsibility in Stv. He just goes through life, living the spur of the moment and nothing more. He is not interested in studying. He is not interested in getting a job. Those two facts are starting to stick in my brain making me even more mad and cold towards him. It angers me that I screw myself doing all the things I do and that I have to be in charge of his life as well… I feel no love. It is a mother-son sick relationship that must come to an end. Dec 31 2005, last date for big decisions. If it is Stv he has to prove his worth and sincerely I don't see it happening. And from Gil, I don't see it happening either. If none is the right choice, that's the date I give myself to go take that final decision for once and for all. I am tired of all this gambling and letting life run through my fingers. So far, no one has given me anything… respect, time, love… I don't get any from them. And I am tired. I am not certain if there is anyone out there for me, but if he is… he must be far and away because here there is nothing or no one worthy of me. I though Alex was, and his latest Colombian exploits proved me wrong. Not even him.