I think I have forgotten how to write... It's been a while... I am still alive, still surviving. I want to bitch and complain but I don't know... Is there anyone that can actually listen to all of this? It's all done.
Family... End of an era. Gladys died 2022. Ednita died 2023. Willie died 2025. Only Edna is left... Here I stand with two houses that are not under my name, need lots of repairs, I have no money for that, my so called lawyer keeps being slow and inefective and kinda avoiding me I dont get why... I stand in the middle of chaos, no friends in my line of sight. With Sti gone only Maria and Alex were left... Maria is obviously moving on to fun tangible people. Alex is there when he wants to. And that's it for my friends...
Puerto Rico, my island, my love. I miss being there, and when I'm there it hurts so much. I only have tombs to visit. Everyone is busy nowadays... or dead. Only the dead welcome me. I don't understand whats so wrong or bad about me that I am avoided like the plague... The only highlight this year was a day at Ade's house... a blast from the past, taking me to 1991. It was a bittersweet feeling... no Sara... No Bianca... No Naida or Nyleen. Redskins'91 4ever...
Old pictures... Old and yet the same. I have always been in the background. I have always been alone. So why complain about it now?
I miss the connection and certainty of calling anytime anywhere to talk simple nonsense. Now I feel I get meager breadcrumbs when it comes to it... No one remembers me. I am the afterthought. No one says "Hey, wohat about Vivian... Wouldn't it be nice to go see Vivian? Yes, lets see her". Busy lives out of sight, out of sight out of mind. Once in a while Alex makes my day. Once in a while he texts to let me know he is not dead.
Aquaintances from PR that I still contact a bit... Lulu, Candy... Maria... And over here in Floriduh, whom am I to call? Disney-colleages are as fake as Disney itself. I have discovered even those who smaile and seem to be friendly are not really interested in having me around... Now I am a liability, with my low vision... And my ongoing depressive talk... Peers are peers, nothing more. People at PBS seem nice and good... but I still feel a glitch, a disconnect... because of me being almost blind and grounded.
I have achieved... but my achievements are literal lamentatories of glory that noone applauded but me, myself, on my own. I guess I am past shining bright. I'm tarnished and bent... I have hubby and daughter #2 and that is enough... Is it? I miss people around me, having coffee and muffins, meeting for movies or casual talk... I miss knowing I had someone home, back home. The embrace of air, stale air from a closed home, is an overwhelming chicking grasp. The memories and the what ifs and the shoulds and the never more are just devastating. The iron will I had to make it so... it's rusty, is broken... it is fallen and weak.
I hold big dreams that are cut short now depending on others and not being able to fly with my broken wings. I still try.
That's thetrick, isnt it? Trying. No matter if you crash in the fall after wings spread wide won't work... Big sweet crash, because I didn't give up.
I just wish I had not been forgotten in the process...
