Testing the stream…

This stream flows even if it is hard, even if she feels broken and deceived. What can I do to stop the jokers from playing tricks on me? What I am to do so the endless pain fades away and new hope gives birth… An empty shell, and still I cannot keep myself from feeling, from believing, from trusting… from being stabbed again and again… I am asked to give so many explanations, yet no one gives any to me. I am expected to give respect at all cost, but none is given to me…

Something as simple as allowing someone else into our haven is plain outrageous… enraging… and I find no excuse for such a thing… How can I trust when I feel so betrayed at all times? No words to believe in, no actions to believe in… I can only taste regret at all sides, at all cost… not even mine… I am tired of taking the blame for things I have not done… I am tired of being pointed as the evil one when all I’ve done all this time is help. Help anyone within my reach, give myself inconditionally and work hard… because that’s all I do: Work and work and work even more… What fun do I have? At home there’s discord in every corner. In the streets people are beyond aggressive. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go clubbing, I don’t go to pubs or bars, I barely go to the theater every other month… Little outings that bring even more discord because something happens, always… I try to be positive, to smile, to give the other cheek… But How much can I take, when enough is enough, when too much is plain too much, when everything turns unfair and twisted…

What’s the point of being good and doing the right thing when you cannot even feel good about it because theres always someone there to point out the twisted version of things that baffles you and makes you angry and misunderstood… Work, trying to make it fun, trying to find a meaning or swift goal for the day by day hell of going to a place you dislike to do something you hate just because you need the money… Its almost like selling your ass to the devil… And still, I try smiling, and volunteering, and helping, and decorating and finding out the brighter side of things… Worthless efforts. I end up crying. I want to do so much… and I can’t… because of small minds around me, because of bad timing, because opportunity never knocks on my door…

I feel weak, tired, used,… I feel in need of a long vacation of years wandering away maybe through mountains and plains… just away… from this cursed place, from the people, from the so called friends and lovers, from the so called family… I just want to be left alone, to rest in peace… to grasp harmony and enjoy the simple things of life… I see beauty surrounding me and when I look in the mirror, but then I see a beautiful world filled up with ugly people, ugly wishes, ugly desires… and it is all scary and frightening… I wish I had the strength I used to have to simply wander off, not caring… Or to do the opposite, and make a difference… Those I help have bitten me so much, too often in truth…

My soul has taken a deep toll… My dreams have been torn and slashed mercilessly… My faith is perhaps all that remains… Faith in myself, in my core, in who I am and what I like and in the way I bring justice… Faith in God and His loving embrace… for he is the only one who embraces me at all times and tells me oh so softly that I am the greatest creation He made, that I am His messenger, that I have a higher purpose in life yet to discover… If it were not because of my strength of Faith I wouldn’t even be here typing these words… I know God has great plans for me, I just wonder about the Journey… but in the end there is no answer, just taking a deep breath and going on… battling the coldest and cruelest storms, facing the maddest of dragons… Going on…

I am water that runs as a stream and shall not stop… no matter the rocks and the falls and the obstacles… Water clashes with softness and prevails with harshness. And whenever they are still, still waters run deep. My core cannot be shaken. My beliefs in lawfulness and the greater good are not shaken. My wish for true love cannot be shaken. I will not stop, but I won’t run in mad blindness. My path may seem longer and devoid of speed, but it is certain and secure. I won’t stop, I will get to my destiny sooner or later. Hopefully someone will be at my side, and if not I shall be happy because I did not make the journey alone after all… I had God with me, step by step, inch by inch… Even in the worst moments of despair… Even when my self seemed lost… Even when death was a seductive alternative although a permanent solution to trivialities… The stream runs…