Stv: He came back yesterday. To stay. I feel both good and bad about it. Good because I missed his company and I suffered much and I wanted him at my side... Bad because I am not certain he truly loves me and I was starting to ponder other things as well... like starting dating other people...Had Taz and Mark on the spotlight... I don't know...
G: He called Sat, went to see him, he was not home... so I went back home, called him up later on and he was working... same thing... whatever. He wanted to see me yesterday, but honestly didn't felt like it... It's tiresome that I only get to see him when he wants, never when I want... He wanted us to have something for real, but I think our ways are too different and the resentment between us is even stronger than the resentment I feel for Stv. I may love G, but that feeling seems numb and missing or perhaps turned into something else... i can't tell... i dont know anything anymore...
I feel lost. i don't know how to feel about the things that are happenning, I don't know which is the right choice or which is wrong... Everything has the good and the bad and the ugly. I think that the way I am now my best choice is to stick with Stv. G makes me upset just by his being there... and that upset feeling is so strong I just wanna scream to him, period... He doesn't get that all he has done to me through the years has a toll... he doesn't get that my love for him was so deep that his faults hurt me in a way I just can't forgive. Not even if I try, and I have... I try to go out with him and smile, but whenever I see him saying hi to anyone I wonder in a snap where/when/how/why/for how long... That is not peace. And there is no trust. He doesn't trust me, and I don't trust him. I don't see any change in him, and that is bad. He is the same 15 year old, in the body of a 30 year old... that can be good, and that can be REALLY bad.
Stv... yes, he did very bad things, VERY bad things... but he HAS change through time. And he has been there through it all. He doesn't make me angry with his presence. It bothers me that he has no initiative for doing things, that he is completely laid back... and that he is not expressive about love... but he makes me feel secure. It is not like G, whom I see as unstable and roaming...
Ahhh! I hate being blunt an unpolite to G, but it's what comes out from me, without thinking about it, without choosing to be that way... It's his way of being... Now that I pulled back he wants us to have something. Now that I am tired of begging for us to be together he wants a commitment. Love dies when it is not nourished... And he let me die a long death that was quite painful and bitter. It is not my fault how I react to him... It is how I feel. And it makes me feel sad as well... Because he may be truthfull for once in his whole life... And now I don't want him. Isn't it ironic...
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