Duality

Stv: Been hanging out with me, helping me with cleaning. No change in his thoughts for what I see, but hey… I am starting to ponder if this is the best thing after all… I don’t know. He has to fix things at his school, he has to get a job, and he has to put himself together. We’ll see…

G: Now he has been calling and even offering to help me clean. He passed last night with a sandwich and juice… It is interesting that now that I am showing no interest whatsoever is that he tries looking for me. Ah… men… The thing is, I don’t feel the love. I feel nothing. I don’t know if it is that I am too focused on Stv, or if it is that I finally rid myself of the gringolas that I had… I don’t know… But growing old with Steve is not such a bad idea after all. And it seems to be a bad idea when I think of G… G has not changed. His view of job security is in the clouds, and his talents may be good but are put to waste. I don’t see him standing by my side if I need him. I don’t see him being a husband. As of today, love is lost.

I don’t understand myself. Each day I get more surprised on how it is possible to simply change your mind in an instant… and change your life forever. I have always thought of G as the love of my life… Perhaps it was his lack of enthusiasm, perhaps it was his absence and his false accusations, perhaps it is that time has finally taken a toll on us… Perhaps I have changed too much, or nothing at all… But that thrill that I used to feel whenever he called me, whenever he saw me, whenever he took my hand… that thrill is gone. And I see he tries, and even seems so convinced that finally this is it… But somehow I am uneasy and apprehensive about the whole idea… I lost my trust on him… I lost my belief in him… I see in him the man that took me away from happiness twice: first from Alex, then with Stv.

I see that I have becomed accustomed to the details that only Stv can give me… I see that Stv talks to me about the things that interest me, and that our ideas are linked… with G it is not this way… G makes me sleepy because he bores me… He talks about things I couldn’t care less… Stv would be a good father, would take care of our home, and I know because he has taken care of my cats. G… he hates my cats and he tries to cover that fact… I don’t know truth anymore. Am I obsessed with Stv? That’s what he said the other day… that I was obsessed… Perhaps I am… Perhaps that makes me forget all the bad things that happened through the years… Perhaps that obsession makes me see him in a different level… I don’t know.

I walk alone, but not lonely… that is the only truth. I thought it was a good thing to get in a dating service, but it has been a bad choice because I simply have no time for that. I need rest, I need to make things work at work, I want to make changes in my life, go back to study, get the PhD… I would like to make different friends than the ones I have now, but seems that people are very misguided and only wants to know you to have sex with you period. And I am not into that. I am from a different era…Whatever…

I’ll apply to the different jobs at work, to see if I can get a career change. I need it. Besides that I want to start working as webdesigner and events coordinator… in a more stable basis. Plus I want to get my last degree in business, to complete that cycle. Afterwards, I may get the MFA I want… but I feel I must do the PhD… for me. I hope I get the house I want by the end of this month… I want to be able to live in my own place, and surround myself with the things I like and cherish… I want peace and quiet. I am tired of moving, of not belonging, of distress. Hopefully, this will be done… soon… So I can paint… So I can be free…

I want to get married in 2006. It should be the best thing… By the end of October, of course… If Stv comes back to me, it shall be done. If not… Something wicked should come my way. God has great plans for me… I just must keep on believing.