Big problems...

Is it me? Am I so demanding, so unfair, so apocaliptical and bitter? Am I Scrooge on the making? Am I thoughtless and heartless and as cold as stone? Who am I to tell people what to do, how to do it, and get mad if they don’t follow the paths that I lay in front of them? Am I so egotistical and narcissistic that I think I am right by all means, leaving no possibility to others being right as well?

My biggest problem: I find solutions, for everything. You come to me with a problem and I will do my best to give you at least two answers on how to solve things… And after I make such efforts, I find that people actually do not want any answers… People just want to complain about everything, and keep on complaining while doing nothing about it. And then that makes me angry, and anger leads to hate and hate leads to the Dark Side…

Another big problem: I am a non-conformist. I have achieved little things in life that for some reason are big things for most people… Their view on my life is that I should be grateful for the blessings I have and that I should look at others that are less blessed… But then I see that those others are in that less blessed place because of their own very wrong choices… They left home to marry just because they wanted to get away from home. They used drugs and their kids have mental problems. They quit school because it was not important. They quit college because it is not such a needful thing to get a job that allows you to simply eat. They leech their way up taking the scraps of other people, using the people and the means they know to get all they want. They talk about greatness but stay in the comfort zone of accepting what they have and hoping to win the loto. It angers me that people don’t actually take pride on ding the right thing… simple things… like being honest, being kind, being clean, being organized, being thoughtful, being moral, being an example to anyone anywhere, living without taking advantage of those around you, living taking into account that your rights stop where the rights of others begin. If you have a dream you have to work to make it come true, God helps along the way but you have to be determined to make it. It angers me that people have all the tools, but doesn’t actually move a finger to make things happen. If I had the help they have now back then when I was studying, who knows where I might have been today… Everything I have done has been out of my own will, no one else has helped me along the way. It has been hard, and although it seems as if it has not paid off, I am proud of myself. I can still look into people’s eyes as I have nothing to hide, all I have done has been through labor and utilizing my own skills. I get frustrated as I want to do more, and I have no means towards that goal… because I don’t have sneaky ways to achieve my goals. I don’t know the right people, my parents have never helped in any way, society in this island goes against bright, intelligent, different people especially if they are female or if they stray from the boundaries of normality. Most friends are so small… and I don’t mean to diminish them, it is what they are… small… small minds leading small lives in their own structured world… Me, I know I have a richer purpose, I am meant to do great things. The problem is the location, living in this place that chains me in every way… I have the know how to make my dreams happen, but no financial support or emotional support to make it happen. Still, I try my best, I will myself to do something, ANYTHING… But I cannot simply accept my fate and complain… I can’t.

Another big problem: I believe in truth, morality, rightousness, virtuosity, paladinhood, chivalry, honor, valor, and loyalty. This is a big problem when you need to swim in a sea infested with sharks. Still I dare to be me… Most people don’t believe I am true, most people think I have a dual motive for being nice or doing nice things… and so they call me a drow. But even drow can be good. So I take no offense. The bad thing is that everything seems more difficult simply because I am expected to go with the flow and I cannot comply to that. I cannot go with the flow. I cannot drink and smoke and use drugs. I cannot sleep with whoever I want to sleep with. I cannot sell my beliefs simply for a moment of success…. A moment in life can mark a lifetime, and regret is one of the worst things to keep within.

Another big problem: I love. I have known true love, and I have handled it with fiery passion, defending it with fangs and claws, and I have believed… I follow the whole verse from the Corinthians passage, and so my deepest curse comes to life… When I love, I love forever. I understand what forever means. I understand what limitless means. I understand the concept of husband and wife, leading a life together forever. I believe that love should keep that path. And then three bad bumps in the road of love have left me bitter, sad, joyless… I really believed Gilberto was my husband. I truly did. And as my first love, I gave him all the truth and passion I had to give. I guess that my complete blind belief was the spell that made it all go wrong. I really believed that Alex was my soulmate… and it may be so… but we somehow ended up at different levels in life in which we still need to learn more lessons… always apart. I really believed that Steve could be the one to ground me, a friend first, a love without blindness… But it all has turned into a bad drama in which I have nothing else left to give, and he doesn’t get that if he ain’t giving either then it is over before it has begun. I have ended up with no more space within my heart to actually call for a vacancy. When you grow into adulthood you see reality and live reality and it changes everything. I dreamed of dancing in the arms of Morpheus, of being the target of a true love that will give me my place as first and most important, a love that will grow with me instead of consuming me. It simply won’t happen. Not anymore. My time for believing in such a beautiful goal is faded. Gone. I can only look back into the good memories, into the few moments of happiness that I’ve been granted… But I won’t complain. Some people live their whole life not knowing what love is… I had three tastes of different loves. And now, all that is left is to live… to grow… to do the things I want to do… finding strength in what was… I must accept I am alone. I must accept that no one can ever be close to what I want because I already had what I wanted… and somehow let go of it. So, the here and now asks that I love without any strings, that I wish for the best on the ones I love, and that I come to peace with the fact that I will never have a family or a husband. This acceptance hurts more than anything else…because there is nothing I can do to change things… because in the core, I am all feelings… and I have no one to share any of it.

People hate my guts. People hate my bluntness. People hate I say difficult truths openly and with no fear. People hate my passion. People hate my beliefs. People hate my will, my courage. People hate my skills, end even envy them. People hate how I am, how I am so in love with myself and how I simply don’t give a damn on what they think… because I know I am right. That everything hurts doesn’t mean that I am not right. That everything goes wrong around me doesn’t mean that the things I do are wrong. There must be a place where I can be free of every pain that haunts me. There must be a place I can find home. I feel weary, faded, tired… Battling thousands of orcs alone is not a pretty picture… But it can be done. And so I do. Like me, hate me, fear me, spurn me, abandon me… Whatever. I believe in all I am, in all I have done, in all I want to do. I know myself, and praise me. Not many reach that in one lifetime. Nothing will ever stop me, not even death… I always rise from the ashes.

10-4