What I wrote him

This one I wrote to Groundel. It's my honest, not-so-humble opinion...

"I don’t know, maybe now “after watching the movie” you get what I’ve been trying to pass through your thick skull.

I don't feel I am so important to you. I may be, but you don't show. You don't show in everyday life. Examples? Let's see...

Start with something as simple as genuinely trying to get a job. Somehow I feel that is not a real interest for you. I don't see you killing yourself to get a job. I don't see you looking for it everyday during the week. I see you get up, make up where to have breakfast, pass the morning, see if you are lucky enough to get lunch, pass the afternoon and wait for my arrival so you can finally go have dinner and have fun with the PS2... Everyday. If you have classes your big excuse not to work is that you are studying... Darling, I worked while studying, Sara has done it, Maria has done it... It is a fact of life: You NEED to work. How you expect to have anything decent in life if you do not work? A meal? A refreshment? A decent place to live? Proper clothing? Going out? Getting nice things for yourself and maybe for me too? How can you be so cool with not working? I would be ashamed all the time. I would be obsessed with getting a job. I wouldn't rest until I got one. I would use every person I know to get one. How you think I feel having all the financial weight of us over me? How do you think I feel when I want to get something to eat and I can't, even though I make the money and I am a so-called professional? How do you think I feel when anyone asks me what my bf do and I have to say "studying"... How do you think I feel when I feel stressed and want to breathe a little and I can't because I have no gas and cannot count on you for helping me out? I can never count on you financially, and in today's society, money makes everything go around: food, basics, entertainment... No money, no nothing... You should get it. You should know I cannot be a sole provider. You should know that if you worked we could at least be happier and do some more things which we actually cannot even dare to think of... I feel responsible for both, and act accordingly, and I see that your position is very comfortable and lacking the common sense to say "Hey, she's kicking her ass to give me as much as she gives herself, I should do the same". If it bothers you that I say you are very comfortable, darling it is the honest truth. You do not seem to worry about anything, you dont try to improve your living conditions, you dont try to give yourself a better life, you dont give importance to nourishing our relationship... You take, take, take... and give so little, or almost nothing. Saying "sorry" but not changing the situations. Saying "Im looking for a job" but staying whole days at an office because they have air conditioning and coffee... Saying "I love you" but spending more hours with a game than minutes with me... WTF? WTF? and repeat... WTF?

I see you coming to my aunt's house and I battle between 2 thoughts: are you coming to see me? or are you coming just to play on the PS2? You call me everyday, but why you do so? Do you miss me? Do you want to hear my voice? Do you miss my eyes or my touch? Of do you simply want some company because you have none, or a place to eat because you ran out of choices, or a place to shower and nothing more? Am I the only "drow" around? What you really want from me? Do you want me because I make your life full, or do you want me just to let you live a little? Am I important because without me there are no colors in your canvas, or am I just a convenience... someone who happenned to be there at the right time for you... someone who should serve you and whom you expect to give nothing more... Do you love me, truly? Do you want to marry me? Do you want to be with me forever? If so... have you ever actually thought of proposing to me? Have you ever thought about being kind and gentle and passionate with me? Have you ever thought about going out of your way to do something special that you have never done to me? What I am suppossed to think, when your behavior says nothing to me about your intentions, and your actions are the same of a 15 yr old kid...

Dreams are good, hobbies are good, playing is good... But when they take the placeof a loved one and when they become your mate they are not so good. When you hurt more than feelings it is not good. When you cannot make reality and fantasy work, things are not good. Grow up! You are 32 years old. By now, you should have had a diploma, a car and a job at least. You keep playing the schoolboy life, the irresponsible life, the leech life. Grow up. I need a man at my side. I want you to be that man. I love you. But I won't submit myself to 7 more years of same crap. Straighten up and decide to make a real life with me, and if you do not really intend to do so then go away. Stop the game, I am more than a game. I am flesh and bones and dreams and hopes, stop stepping over me. Stop abusing the power you have over me just because I love you. Stop abusing my trust, abusing my will and desire to help you achieve everything you truly deserve. Stop abusing my help. Stop abusing my love. It is time you stand for yourself, and be a real man... Someone who do his stuff and makes it work with the one he loves. Someone who shares everything with his love. Someone who is willing to challenge everything and make sacrifices for his love.

I need a man that gives me shelter, that makes me feel pretty, that makes me feel important, that makes me feel I am loved in everyway for all I am. You did that for me once, a long time ago, so I know you can do it... If you want. There is nothing else I can do to make you see or understand what I want and what I need. I want certainty, something true. something real... with someone that will cross heaven and hell for me... with me... Do you still feel a fire burning for me within you? Are you with me because I am the one? Am I so important you would give your life for me? Do you respect me so much you will never be unfaithful? Do you desire me? Do you wish for me every night? Do you pray for me every morning? Do I complete you?

I feel neglected, forgotten, ignored, taken for granted, dismissed, uninportant, unsexy, unwanted, lonely, sad, tired... And it should be your task to make me feel the oppossite of all the above.

Give me answers, give me real thoughts... not pretty but empty apologies.

This is all I have to say. Your turn."

I feel all I wrote. It's my truth. He will get mad and upset, and will probably send me to hell... but it is the truth. And I am fed up. All he critizises from Tril is exactly what has been going on with him, with the addition of being as affectionate as a log. I am tired of having a colder than Icewind Dale entity at my side. I am tired of the empty space that is at my side every nightand every day. Being present is being there even if intangible. He is there but is always absent. And I resent that, because I have given everything and expected at least to be met halfway... I have given everything for nothing, yet again... And it's not fair, and I won't take it. If being "drow" is being fair with oneself after making so many sacrifices for humankind, so be it. I deserve happiness, not more daggers thrown at my heart. I deserve respect, truth, loyalty and true love. Everything. No more... no less.

"Private Dancer" by Tina Turner

WELL THE MEN COME IN THESE PLACES
AND THE MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
YOU DON`T LOOK AT THEIR FACES
AND YOU DON`T ASK THEIR NAMES
YOU DON`T THINK OF THEM AS HUMAN
YOU DON`T THINK OF THEM AT ALL
YOU KEEP YOUR MIND ON THE MONEY
KEEPING YOUR EYES ON THE WALL

[CHORUS]
I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
I`LL DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO
I`M YOUR PRIVATE DANCER
A DANCER FOR MONEY
AND ANY OLD MUSIC WILL DO

I WANT TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS
I WANT TO LIVE OUT BY THE SEA
HAVE A HUSBAND AND SOME CHILDREN
YEAH I GUESS I WANT A FAMILY
ALL THE MEN COME IN THESE PLACES
AND THE MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
YOU DON`T LOOK AT THEIR FACES
AND YOU DON`T ASK THEIR NAMES

[CHORUS TWICE]

DEUTSCHMARKS OR DOLLARS
AMERICAN EXPRESS WILL DO NICELY - THANK YOU
LET ME LOOSEN UP YOUR COLLAR
TELL ME DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE SHIMMY AGAIN