He gets pissed at me because I ‘lied” to him, he says I lied to him because Stv traveled with me and I said I was going alone. I had said I was gonna see my father alone. I had not even mentioned any park because I didn’t knew if I could actually go to any park at all and just wanted to avoid a fight over that matter… a stupid fight if I may add. When I was in my fathers house I called him to let him know I missed him, and he ended up arguing about the same shit… I cried that whole night and I had to put myself together and smile the day after… Thinking of him all the time is not enough. Nothing I do will ever be enough. I am tired of explaining myself ESPECIALLY when I have nothing to hide because I did nothing BAD. I went to Orlando to meet with my best friend and we had a wonderful time that whole week at Disney and Universal. It’s called vacation. I needed a break from all the bull, so I went for it. I was not gonna loose the tickets my father gave me last year, and I made many sacrifices to get the money for it. I deserved to have a good time, and I did. Without drugs, alcohol or sex. Clean, childlike fun, because that’s the fun I like And guess what? I loved it. I want more.
I called today to get the definite answer on what he’s gonna do… And I get these lame speeches of me living with another man… I am beyond tired of that bull, I am tired of all the words, I am tired of all I do wrong… He went with his lady friend and her family to Disney and I had to stand it. He always puts his friends first and I had to stand it. I go get the vacation I deserve and it is so wrong… Well, fuck it! He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to swallow it. I had FUN and I laughed and I forgot about all my worries for a complete week and I LOVED IT! For one week I felt alive. That’s priceless. So… He wants to believe I lie, he wants to believe I cheat, he wants to believe I have a master plan to screw his life and afterlife… Whatever. I know his beliefs have always been stupid, he has issues and is not so faithful to his medication… His mind is crap. His thoughts are full of crap… And he says that if I truly love him I’ll go live alone. He doesn’t care about anything else, he is the same brat that wants everything his way because his ways and his thoughts and his life are the only right answer to anything… WRONG.
I HAVE a life. It may not be perfect, but it is CLEAN and nice. I am proud of who I am, what I do, how I think and the people around me who may not be perfect BUT they have been there all the time, genuinely, just because they can. I am not thinking romance, and I am thinking CHANGE and CREATION and projects… I am not stale. If I achieve my happiness, it will be because of the steps I have built towards it. Happiness is not something someone will give me. It is something you achieve on your own. I would like to find love in the way… But I am not inclined towards giving my heart just because of impulse or fear or whatever other reason people can think of… When the timing is right, God will bring to me the One. I am not into chasing ghosts or dreams in matters of romance. Whoever sticks with me to the end and accepts me and worships me, then THAT is the one who will win me forever… Heart and soul.
I cried… No more. I am tired of crying.
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