Only You

The week full of hassle and running, and so I had not stopped to think. Pills work too well in weekdays, especially when you are focused on a nemesis and work instead of your own pitiful life... And in Saturday night I just reviewed what has passed along... and I find an old gift that appears again, and this time I read it, and an ocean of tears come along. And I ask myself so many things that years still cannot get out of my mind and heart. And I am pulled towards the black hole again no matter how much I warn myself against it.

Sometimes an effort may be well intended, but the outcome may not be so nice. And although one remembers in both disdain and awe,the outcome still hurts... How come errors from our youth bend our paths in such wicked ways that even true love is denied? How come past imperfect still rules present imperfect... and breaks heart and soul just like that... Assertive, oh yes... Always the lawyer in matters of thought and rules...But when the heart speaks, mute he stays, weak... as the luck of the draw changes wide. I have never been the one, and I will never be the one. I know my dark place, my nowhere wherever I stand. Somehow, little things that seems nothing are everything... A constant in my head for so many years... A constant in my heart and soul so many years... Being made small by the someone you love ain't funny and is against my nature, and yet, I allow it... beause I rather play a small inconsequential part in his life than none at all... because he makes me a better person... because he has been my truest friend... How's that thought for you?

In everyone's life I am only the card that exists as a fool. I've had deep feelings for my lovers, and spurn has been their choice of affection. And in all the feelings that constrict my heart, I would still give my life for each of you... a fool indeed... Maybe I do deserve my fate, because my stupidity and my belief in lost dreams are children's games...

There has never been a fairy godmother, or a sprite, or dragons. There has never been a genius, a creator, a fountain of inspiration. There is just me... Little old me, with little old faded beliefs and little old faded dreams of a knight in shining armor that will one day come and rescue me from the evil embrace of LIFE. There are no knights left. There is no magic. There is nothing worth living in this lifetime. A beautiful mind and a beautiful soul somehow is not enough when it comes to the real world. I always loose. In Ravenloft the mists never rest, they always ARE even if they seem gone.


To a ghost that lurks now and then in this realm:
I never speak of you to anyone not even in here..., but you are always the one I love the most, the only one I respect the most, the only one whom I consider my equal... the only one that stings the most. And this whole past months, my increasing sadness has been deeply tied to you. Just so you know. Not Tril, not Groundel. You, the forbidden subject. And I am shattered by your hand all the time. There is no cure for that.

I'll take my happy pills on Monday. Nevermind.