Thoughts

Sad, dissappointed, frustrated... that starts defining what I feel although it all goes deeper and is much more hurtful. From the core, it is beyond belief that what is suppossed to be my house became this sacred grove for matronism... and so we were forced out because men are bad??? My aunt was actually surprised I chose to be with my husband than staying in the house. It is all so messed up. We left there all we had: time, money, hopes for a beginning... hope for peace... So we had to follow through a gypsy quest... And then the same thing about sadness, dissappointment and frutration comes up. We don't lie, I don't lie... yet it is always the same... we have to explain and explain and we are not believed. Somehow people always think we have other motives, or different versions of a story... The story is what it is. It is true. Day or night, it is the same. We have done as we've had to, not because we want to but because we need to. Nothing behind the truth... Why is it so difficult for people to believe us? It goes beyond upsetting me when people put our words and actions in doubt... Family did that... Friends did that... Helpers did that... When you are transparent and you are giving all you've got it all comes as a sucker punch.

We keep the faith that things will get on  the right track... just... Why must it all be the hard way? Why can't we have a little bit of slack? For someone like me... who is so structured and focused and who always has a plan for everything... it is beyond hard to achieve all that must be done, plus answer questions, plus having to convince people of all we've already said or done is true. I am not a follower, and I am not a sleeper. I am a leader and I am focused on what I want... And I know all I have to do on the way... Somehow people get the vibe that I am something else... I don't know how to change that. My sparkling personality is what it is... and I am defined by all I have experienced... not for the faint of heart.

At least we are together... At least my little family is one. We fought bravely on our fight for our diva. Now, we fight for our new beginning... We know about sacrifice. We know about letting go, and doing what must be done. We know that we have to answer whatever opportunity presents before us. We are not sitting still, wishing for blessings. We are moving, on the hunt, giving all we've got. Sadly it is not too evident as what can be seen is two people who keep on being seated in front of the computer. Truth is that yes... we are two people seated in front of a laptop, filling up job applications more than 10 hours a day. It is a hunt that others cannot acknowledge... Imagination is a fickle thing. But at least we know the truth. I just wish others could see our truth too.

God will land exactly what we need in our lap. Like it or not, He will select what is best for us and will give that to us. It may not be what we want, but I am certain it will be what we need. So it all will be good. In the eantime, we'll keep on moving and doing all that people don't see... We won't sit still, we won't give up.