14-feb-06

I don’t know if I did something right or something bad… I just express myself in a way that people misunderstands so badly! I mean… I can go to the stupid dinner, I only feel it is not a gift for me but a commodity for him because he can kill 2 birds with one shot: make his boss happy, and make me happy… The thing is, that will not happen. I demand attention, and he likes licking his boss’ ass. I don’t feel that I will have fun. His trying to dazzle me just is plain lame. And I can’t be razzle-dazzled… I have elf blood, so charm and sleep spells have a high percentage of failure… I did not want to offend him or make him feel miserable or make him cry. I just expect more, and seems there aint more to expect…

As I foresaw, he has not called me. It’s 4pm, so the chances that he will actually try to contact me are thinner by the second. I can’t do anything else… If he doesn’t check his email and if his mother didn’t gave him the message, well… tough cookies. He has never shown anything at all in a Valentine’s day in his whole life. This day doesn’t really have a deep meaning for me. And just dinning will not wave a magic wand and make me fall head over heels for him. He doesn’t or cannot or will not read me. Each day I feel further and further away from him, and I see that no matter what is done to mend the differences… they are just too many, too heavy, too hurtful. Nothing to do but go on…

I have two good friends that have lasted for more than a decade, a best friend that is always there for me… and acquaintances that are kind and truthful. I wish I had love… But that is something that I think I was not made for. I don’t belong, I am a whole. I need no completeness but complementation… I am so simple in my complicated existence… But there is no understanding, no communication, no real giving… Where’s hope?

15-feb-06

As I predicted, he didn’t call. I don’t know if it was because his mother did not give him the message or if he just didn’t wanted to mess with me. I guess I wont know for one or two more weeks. He shows up after allowing time to pass by and after distance sets in even stronger… His style… Lousy, and definitively a big turn off.

On the other corner, Groundel didn’t even wished me a happy day until I gave him a candy at lunch. And that was it, just a quick wish. Well… today I got an e-card saying I mean a lot to him… It just sucks that in the right moment there are no words or actions…

I was so sad last night… Words are free and yet not even that… I have the curse of getting no details from the ones I love most. No cards, no flowers, no plush doll, no hugs… not a simple word… It is frustrating… Throughout the years it is always the same… No one thinks I am important enough to make me feel that way. And it doesn’t really matter that things wont happen on the cursed commercialized V-Day, but what hurts the most is that details never happen 24/7, 365 days a year. It seems that the idea is just too much… I go through storms to make people smile, but no one crosses a small pond for me… It should not matter, but it does. It makes me feel unimportant, used, belittled. I don’t understand how someone as me has not been able to find the right other half.

Whatever...