Headache

Headaches... that's what I get from the ones I love most. I need to make a big decision and it just seems I just can't. Gilberto wants the yes to get married, and keeps pushing his way demanding: time, attention, etc. The more he pushes the more reluctant I get. He is extremely jealous and wishes to cage me, isolating me from the world... Ask him and he'll say that is not true, but then ask him about me doing things with my friends... The Steve theme is completely out of proportion, in his head all I do with Steve is fuck. I don't get it. Why, is it the only truth that that's all a man and a woman can do whenever they meet alone? That's such a stupid way of thinking. His play on guiltyness is now the frosting of the cake. Why should I feel gulty, when throughout the years it's been him giving his back to me? I hear his words about how wonderful I am, how complete I make his life, how lucky he is to have me at his side, yadda yadda... And I can't help but to not believe him. I don't feel his love. I don't feel I am so important. I don't see him as swashbuckling as I did years ago. And I am not so naive and innocent no more. How can I believe in the promises of a jackal? And he's moody, crying often, getting insane... And for me it is all a play. His interests are stupid for me. He bores me. I like his sweetness and hugs, but that's about it. Seeing him everyday seems a handful because he has absolutely nothing new to tell, or he tells things I don't give a shit... And now he's constantly talking about "when we get married". Ugh! I try to take things in the lighter way, but I am getting more annoyed each time. I cannot be commanded or asked so many questions. There is no trust, and his trying to control the little time I have free is a turn off. Perhaps he was the love of my life, but I dont feel he still is. I expect someone different as a husband. I want to be taken care of, not to keep on being a mastermind, a caretaker, a guide... I've been playing that role for more than 15 years and I am sick of it. I want someone else to do that for me. And to have a job as I do, and to challenge me mentally... It is sad to be surrounded by morons all the time. He is stuck in a rot. He got an associate degree to shelve it. His "showbusiness" interest makes me want to puke. He will never be responsible or take life seriously. That's how I see him. No matter how much I try to change that view, I see him dressing as he does and talking his "streettalk" and working with his "friends" and it just makes me want to turn around and leave forever. I hate his demeanor. I hate how he thinks he's so right, especially when he is so wrong. I hate how he insults me and my intelligence with so much ease, while looking like the Puss in Boots... the innocent sweet look. I hate his carelessness. I cannot even ponder marrying this guy... Maybe 3 years ago, not now. He makes me feel many negative things... we only share a true love in the past, and chemistry... But great relationships that last are not based on memories and physical love. And I am beyond that. So... (sight)... I don't see a future. I'm trying to give him a chance to prove me wrong, again, and it's not working... each time I am more aloof. So... When will the next tide fall?

Headache.