Endings

It is over. These 15 years of my blind obsession with True Love and Gilberto are over. He has done anything but prove he loves me. He calls me mad, insane... He has always put me down, diminished me, disrespected me, devaluate me... He has never fought for an us, all he did was take from me what he could. While I cried, he laughed. While I waited for him, he danced with others, and loved others, and bedded others. While I gave him truth and faith, he gave me lies and deceit. WHile I gave him time, patience, candidness... He had no time for me, no patience, nothing. 15 years that comes to a full circle, leaving me empty in body and spirit. 15 years I fought for a ghost of what my dreams wanted... 15 years of wasted opportunities for being happy... Because of him I didnt get married. Because of him I lost Alex. Because of him I am sick forever. Because of him I will never be the same... Because of him, I lost my faith in love. Because of him, I cry bitterly for so long... Because of him I probably lost my best friend tonight. Because of him...

And at all this, he laughs... He thinks of me? No. He feels sorry? No. He wants to be with me? No. He loves me? No. He wants me, he needs me, but there aint any way he can love me... He has friends. He has a life of his own in which I dont fit in. He never intended to include me in his life. He just keeps a vendetta to make me feel miserable, to prove he has power over me, to destroy me for a betrayal that never happenned... that is only in his mind... that is the greatest lie he believes...

It must end. It is killing me as a whole, not just spirit... And this cannot go on. 15 years are more than enough to wait... I cannot let my entire youth pass by just because I see glimpses of a beautiful life with him. Glimpses are not enough. He has no commitment to me. He has no intention of trusting me. He cannot keep his promises, no matter how small they are. It must end.

It will end now.

And so, I reap him from my soul... a carcass that held on and was in the end a mirage of love... a devourer of souls... My killer.

I did all I could. I gave all I had. I dreamed taking him along with all my dreams. I hoped, endlessly and fiercely. I kept faith even if he derved none. I loved him... with all I was... with heart, body and soul... I loved him. But he never loved me... Never.

So it ends... my Beast... A false dream that guided my will for so long, as nothing else could ever do... A mirage that fueled my illusions and feelings...

I am not a child anymore. The game ends. With it, my will... my soul...

I loved.