Gilberto broke his absence and silence to call saying "Hi, this is a friendship call, so don't think I'm trying to get you back or something, just wanted to see how you were doing. Anyway, just letting you know that I'm here. I'm here if you need me. Have to go." And with that he hangs up.
Ok... Cream pie thrown at my face would have been funnier.
It angers me that he keeps doing that. It angers me that he says he cares when he only tries to reach one with a stick from miles of distance deep in space... It angers me that he dares to say the word "friendship" to me, especially since he doesn't know the deep meaning of it. Him and me, friends... Right. Hell may freeze over, mountains may fall, but us being friends is so out of the question! We are two people that hate each others guts, that are completely wrong for each other, that never understand each other, but that when put in a room together have too much chemistry to simply have a nice little conversation. For some people that may work, for me... No. Because I am not selfish with the things I want. Because I cannot keep myself from feeling everything as I felt the first time. Because his eyes and his smile may trick me into believing faerie tales can come true. Because his presence turns me into an idiot that doesnt think, just feels... Friends? Us? It is sad that more than a decade cannot weight for that case... but how to control a fire when you know that the wind will make it grow stronger? Beause of him I cancelled my wedding on 2004... to what use? He never committed to anything but himself. The only constant presence in my worst times has been Steve. The only one who looks for me and cares what happens in my small life is Steve. Not every 3 months... but everyday. I wanted Gilberto beyond life... I need Steve because of his presence. Gilberto made me feel beautiful and wanted... but never needed. What is the use as years pass by, you get older, and commitment/responsability is never present? And I am tired of this game he plays... I am hurt and tired.
You may say I'm settling. The heck, maybe I am. Wishing for company each morning when I wake up cannot be a bad thing. Wishing for someone with whom to share thoughts and dreams and goals cannot be a bad thing. Being accepted for who I am without conditions cannot be a bad thing. Being loved for my being and not as an object cannot be a bad thing. I cannot waste more energy on a search for the perfect love, because there is no perfect love. I cannot waste energy on a search because you have to know me to like me (sort of), and by first impressions who would want to know me? Being a black swan in a wood of woodpeckers will never help. And by now everyone I meet will just want to screw and then leave. Because by now all that anyone will care is what I have, what they can get out of me, and that's it. I am sick and tired of married men asking to fuck me. I am tired of married men trying to make me think they are "victims" or whatever. I am tired of unmarried men enjoying their freedom with as many as they can. I am tired on unmarried men that won't commit because they are still stuck on their teenage years. In my quiet ways I have looked for the right one, I have clinged to the ones I love although I know I will never get them, I have given chances to some I will never mention, and I have been let down by all.
So no, I am not settling. I am keeping my sanity and peace so I can move on to other things and places... It can be a mistake... But what I have learned through all the bumps in my road is that love is not a feeling, but a choice. To love with all your life, desperately, insanely... it is only a choice. It is a choice I made in the past, and that was not reciprocated because I was not their choice. True love is a tale that is nothing more but a choice. So, I made mine. I believe that lives united by friendship and who share heaven and hell should be worth it. I believed it with Gilberto, and thanks to lies, misunderstandings, and betrayal it has been an obvious disaster. I believed it with Alex, and although no other two people have been more meant for each other, it was another obvious cataclysm. I believed it with Steve... and there has been disasters and cataclysms... but seems third is a charm. I don't feel the raw passion that I feel for Gilberto, or the White Xmas in Heaven I feel for Alex, but I feel serenity... and it is mellow and comfortable and quiet. Maybe this is as good as my life can get...
My time as a "heartbreaker" is gone. My youth is vanishing. My only traits now are my mind and my heart... not really important in todays society. If it were possible I would choose death to living as I live, trapped in a 9-5 cycle with no shortcuts to Paradise or to any kind of nice memories... I was not born for luxuries, but I was not born for cells. And I feel I live confined in a cell... without resources to help me climb the professional ladder, without resources to vanquish my debts, without resources to live freely enjoying life in nights and weekends... without resoures to study what I want and do what I want... All is about money. Looks, money, popularity... Talents and creativity and intelligence not required. So here I am... I was not meant to be helped in any way. I wasnot born under a lucky star that would allow for good things to come my way. All must be a challenge... and I am tired of facing challenges alone. I wish for one day in which I can be the princess who gets True Love in the end... And lives happily ever after...
Wishing... and dying... Same choice, different mask.
Anyway...
To Trilogy, what was our song... RIP, may I add, with love. It was a dream... It was beautiful. It changed me forever. It's lost.
"Fields Of Gold" by Sting
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
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