Empty

Feeling: Empty. A big cold void has taken grasp of my soul, and it has sucked away all that used to make me feel I had the desire to go on. Now, I simply feel in a state that is neither tangible nor ethereal… I find no words can describe the disappointment, the grief, the loss, the despair, the betrayal, the disbelief, the cumbersome weight that everything leaves on me… The sum of all scars leaves my flesh as a mangled road map, impossible to read… All the wonders being blurred by marks that should not have been there but were, all the beauty blurred by shadows that are inexistent but that people insist on making them real.

Wanting: Shelter, a place to really call home. Home is where the heart is… Where is my heart but in a desert without any hint of relief… I have a house in the making, but its still not a home. It will become my Fortress of Solitude, so it seems… just that there will be no voices of wisdom to remind me of how loved I was… I have never been loved. Me existence was an imposed consequence of marriage, and I was such a burden that I had to be raised by others but my blood parents. And then, I was the burden that caused a divorce… And then I was the burden that was not really necessary, but that was excellent to solve problems… And then I was the ingrate sparrow that taps in the eyes of its helper… And finally I am the hypocrite leech that sucks on everything and wanted to take all for herself… Where is the love? I am no one’s pride and joy, no one talks about me with a smile on their face because I am good. No one really gives a damn about my little so-called accomplishments… Everyone graduates… Everyone works… Everyone eats and shits… Nothing special about me… No reason to hug me or kiss me, ever. What’s the point, as I have no feelings, as I am an automaton raised as a pretty machine that only fed on knowledge and properness. A machine that has many broken pieces, that is too odd to be fixed, that is better to ignore or dispose of because is no further value… So I shall dwell in a Fortress of Solitude, reminiscing on the not so pretty past that keeps laughing at me, at my pathetic life and existence…

Needing: Love. And I mean love in the purest, simplest way it can be described. Love as the one you show with a kiss on the frown. Love as the one you express with a warm pat on your back. Love that you feel in the warmth of a look, of a touch, of a poem… A reason to wake up and thank God for life, a reason to sleep at nights certain you need not worry because in the end Love is everything that matters… Love to soothe the harshness of everyday, to inspire, to allow my spirit to breathe and fly. Love that never dies…

Getting: A laugh in my face, as my whole life seems a joke to everyone. I have given all: money, love, friendship, faith, belief, truth… No one has been kind enough to return the favor. Through the years more thorns appear around my heart, binding it and drowning it in its own blood. My faith in humankind is gone. My belief in the greater good is jaded. My belief in True Love is non existent. Truth is not an interest of humanity, who simply dwells on in lies and more lies. Faith is an antique that has no luster and no place in these times of lust and personal gain… Money seems the answer to everything, and it is a needful thing… but how much it hardens people… how much it changes people… Friendship has become a mirage of what should be with a core of lies… What is left?

Wishing: For Freedom. For Peace. For Truth. For Faith. For Loyalty. For Love.For True Friends For True Love. For Home. I still believe in fairies, but they don’t believe in me… I still long for a family that I will never have. I still believe you should live righteously so you never have to look away from another’s eyes… but the world doesn’t really want to look into my eyes. I still think I am not completely alone, but I feel alone no matter what I do, no matter where I go, no matter who is at my side… I wish for silence in my thoughts, for beauty in my life, for a soft wind taking away all the tears that blurrs my sight…

Hoping: There is no hope anymore. Hope died on me, without completing its quest… It left me incomplete, it left me without will and without inspiration, it left me mute and sightless, and heartless… My arms were extended to the world and all it had to offer… And so I was petrified in that stance, a mockery of all I wanted… An eternal requiem that should allow memory to remember what was, what became… There is no hope.


"Empty"

Something has left my life,
And I don't know where it went to, ah, ha, ha.
Somebody caused me strife,
And it's not what I was seeking.

Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me?
Didn't you see me standing there, ah, ha, ha?
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?

Say a prayer for me,
Help me to feel the strenght, I did.
My identity, has it been taken?
Is my heart breakin' on me?

All my plans fell thought my hands,
They fell thought my hands on me.
All my dreams it suddenly seems,
It suddenly seems,
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i
Empty, i, i, i

-Cranberries, Empty