Purpose

It is an impossible task trying to speak to someone who will never understand what you are saying. It is frustrating to try letting out so many words when you know everything is and will be missunderstood no matter how crystal clear you are. I am sad, it is pretty obvious... but I must assert that I am sad so I get the mandatory question of Why? Why are you sad? A question asked in a way that hurts even more than being aware that all you can truly do is bear things and be silent because they just won't understand... ever.

So Groundel asks me what was wrong. And I simply said I am sad. And he asks the mandatoy Why. And I answer Why not. Gimme a reason NOT to be sad. Just one. And he stares at me as if he didn't really understood my words... He shrinks his shoulders saying I love you. I ask Why. And it all falls in Chaos. And in the end, the Why isn't really answered... Maybe he thinks he did... But he didn't. He thinks he shows a deep love for me by his not smoking, not drinking, not screwing around and by his going to college. All of these are big sacrifices he makes in my name, to try making me happy. Somehow, the picture makes me even sadder... He doesn't believe in being good. He tries being good for me. And he is silent because that's how he is... And he gets angry and upset because people always ask him why is he so quiet, and he gets the Just because I like it, This is me, Let me be! attitude...

And it makes him angry that I dont accept him as he is, quiet, an outcast, a loner. What I want him to talk to me about? He asks me What I want to know, What I want to hear, Why I question him so much... His thoughts are always pieces of a puzzle that I will never be able to complete, because he just won't let me. And he says Sorry. And he apologizes. And that's suppossed to make things better... His apologies mean nothing to me, they are empty promises of I'll do it again and I'll be sorrier next time. No actions to make me accept that apology. No sentences... or words... An apology and silence. And anger at my trying to pry on his mind. And anger at my not accepting him as he is. And anger at his trying being good and noone notices it. And anger at his being born. Anger at existing. Simple anger.

All I wanted was to let out my frustration and sadness... All I wanted was to hear an Everything will be fine, You are not alone... And perhaps someone to hold me and say I'm here always. But no, that is a piece of heaven not made for me. The focus on my sadness is lost on his anger... and I simply don't feel supportive anymore. I just looked away through the clearness of the window, watching how light faded into darkness as rain poured gently... Lovely raindrops... Lovely music... Lovely opportunity for lovers to get together and renew old vows... Not for me. Not a second can be for me. Time can never stop to grant me a moment of bliss. Music never meant for me to dance... Lovely evenings or lovely moments were not meant for me. I cried in silence... Lovely how birds follow each other and flock together in a grand dance as they soar in the sky... Lovely mist rise from the ground as water meets earth... I only deserve anger. I only deserve disdain. I only deserve neglect. I only deserve ignorance. I only deserve pain.

I think of the beauty that is granted in each human life... and I see the further I walk into the path of time, the more it defies my will to be alive. I knew true love once just by closing my eyes and sensing it... Now I cannot tell what is love anymore. An ongoing pain has taken away the luster of probabilities... How can any trust be mended if you are not given the chance to know everything? And I know I give everything... to no one truly deserving... as right now no one makes me think of happiness and shiny stars... All the gifts I've received have been betrayal, lies and false promises. They call it love. Rip my heart to pieces and burn it in a pyre if that is so. I may not sense what love is anymore, but I am certain that is all I have ever given, completely, without questions, without second thoughts, without deceit, without care for my self. And I have been punished for it... for more than 15 years... by all whom I have dared to love...

Everything pass... so it is said... but somehow in my life everything is ongoing, and no matter how much I try to make the right I get the wrong... I am still to understand my purpose for this... for living... My only faith is in God. My only comfort is that sooner or later, we all die. I wish that I could say I've lived my life to the fullest... Somehow, I don't see that fate in my path. Peace, Love, Happiness, Home... Beautiful ideas, shattered realities.