I don't understand some people. I keep saying I won't even try going there, but honestly I really REALLY don't understand some people. In a world where truth is hard to find, you give truth and then get bashed for it. One thing that got me thinking is that a friend said I have changed since Deedee... that nothing is so important since her having SMA, and how thick is my skin thanks to that. What?! That blew my mind. The only thing that has changed since Deedee's diagnosis is that I thought there was no good left in the world, and I was proven wrong. Me, being myself... that is old news.
Inflexible, lawful good, the paladin, the warrioress, the wise lady, the counselor, the healer, the dreamer... the taker of lost causes, the believer in endless hope, the forever friend, the stone upon which you can build... wrath and compassion, justice and punishment, kindness and bluntness... A portrait of me.
People have always looked upon me as the outcast, the misfit, the crazy one, the artist, the weirdo. And I don't really care about the branding because I like who I am. I have always been the dark presence that invites trust and irradiates wisdom. As a child I had too many friends... imaginary friends... At school I was the one who was writing and drawing in the corner at all times, the one to call if you needed to decorate a play or an activity. At college I was the artsy one in a business world, and managed to be part of the sci-fi and the english clubs. At work, besides my duties I was the one to volunteer for uplifting employees... peer-training, tolerance, amity in the office. People came to me for advise... for solving issues. I always gave out an aura of trust, comfort, truth... And I honestly tried to comply all of those.
Right now, 2011, I am so sad that anyone would say I am this way because of Dee. I was this way before, I will always be. I am true to myself, and true to those who know me. I am beyond drama, as life has taught me that gossip is worthless, and that the people who don't stick with you were never your true friends. I have one face, one mind, one heart. I do not lie, and I would not hurt anyone on purpose. I believe in divine justice, and in following the simple commands that God made so humans would start being civil... and I strongly believe in the Golden Rule, and above all love. Looking back to my roots, to my growing up and growing old, I see I have been faithful to all the above. I use to be more vindictive, yes... but do not think I am any less vindictive just because I try to see all sides before jumping into action right now... Wisdom comes with age. I guess all that has changed is that now I pause and look with my soul... and then act. I still get enraged real fast, I still feel as passionate as I was before. I still think highly of myself... and expect high things of myself and of those around me. And I am constantly let down by the people I love and trust most...
My heart is always aching. There is never a halt on the flow of the bleeding, as there is always a reason for the constant flow. The biggest hurt is absence, and then those who claim to be so close and are really so far. Only two constant wheels keeps life turning and understands that my life cannot manage common drama anymore because it is a simple waste. I put my faith in my friends, and although that is a strength it is also a constant disappointment that when accrued can be a killer. Granted, for anyone else it is very difficult to understand what I go through on a daily basis...
I face death, live with it, play with it, laugh at it. It is all a heartbreaking business. If I were a normal girl perhaps I could not manage anything... I feel the tearing. I feel the strong desire to cry endless tears, to scream on top of my lungs... Each time I get assaulted with questions about Dee, simple questions that kids do... My heart gets shattered. Searching for a simple answer becomes a daunting task. Explaining it all and watching their reactions would move anyone to tears... of hope, of compassion, of awe, of sadness, of happiness... It is always so many mixed emotions... Yet I smile through it all, and just swallow hard and go on explaining with a voice that shows no one how devastated I really feel. And this changed me? No. I did the same at a different level before... I have always kept to myself my feelings, and I have always tried my best to show neutrality when it comes to issues. I put myself in others shoes and try my best to understand even when stupidity is the main culprit of actions... The difference right now is that what was only a measure to be fair now is a measure that digs deep thorns in my soul. Different outcomes, but same appearance...
My friends are just ghosts that come in and out and keep going with their lives. They don't really grasp anything. Their dawn to dusk run is simple, oh so simple! And going out of their own ways to cross my path is actually... unreasonable. They live elsewhere, where things get easily fixed by money or connections. The worst they have to face... fear of loosing a job, not getting a raise, or mistrust or cheating on their significant other or dealing with the kids or the pets... It all seems to be good drama for soap operas... That's how most people live. I live fearing being on the streets simply because I could handle it but my girl could not survive. I live fearing there will be medical bills that we will not be able to pay, that in case of emergency we have no money, no job comes and we depend on a system that is broken, we live in a place were you know no one and where no one wants to help you... We live in the ghetto, where killing is like eating peanuts and being latina in a 98% black area can be quite an intimidating ordeal. I fear anything can come against us anytime and no one else would stand for us. Then to this add the stress of what goes on with your terminal kid... How can you improve palliative care with no help? How can you help her grow and be safe? And then come the stress of the little one who is not fragile: How can she grow in this hard/aggressive/racist environment? How can she learn values when all around reinforce the opposite of what we teach? How can we trust she will be safe if she gets to go to school in this same place? No, the things I deal with here far away from the little island are much more serious and life-threatening for all of us... But that is not the reality back home... And people don't get that their little dramas are nothing, that they actually live in paradise.
I get so upset with the statement of me using Deirdre to thicken my skin about people... No. There are simply more important things to mind in life. If I were to try pleasing everybody I would not have made it as far as I have. I made myself. I am a hard worker. I studied, never cheated in my tests. I have helped others, going up and above for them simply because that is what I thought anyone would do... I may be naive for some things, but my naivete is not because of lack of information but because of my greatest flaw of giving chances and trusting that people act as consequence of good reasons... which can obviously be not true. Some argue that I put myself in position to be hurt... I just say that is what makes life worth living.
All my life I've been alone fighting for myself and for those I love. I don't see anything so different right now. There is still so much I want to do... peanuts compared to the amazing things other people that I have met have done. Time is going so fast and slipping through my fingers... I just hope I have enough strength to carry on, to keep fighting for what's right, to stand in the end and scream:"Victory"!
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