Choking

Trying my best to count to 200 and avoid a big bang argument... But it is not as simple or as easy. I'm trying to move away from stupidity but what you do when you live with it, it's always shoved in your face, it's always there! I am so done! I am trying to see silver linings in nothing. Sleep on it... give it time... thing positive thoughts... tomorrow the rainbow will come up... I am choking. Everyday I get a punch in my stomach that leaves me breathless. I gasp for air but I find nothing... I'm floating away into space, drawn into a black hole... I can't breathe. The whole world screams at me, all at once, all demanding attention... All I want it to do is stop, shut the f*ck up, go away! I am drained, tired, hurt, and I have no energy at all to have patience. Going down, each day more and more. How to make this stop? How to make me stop?

My best is not enough now. I am trapped in a rabbit hole that goes deeper and deeper and has no exits and no way back. I am trapped in every sense. The fall cannot be stopped. It keeps on. It has no end, no resolution. Why there is never one easy way? Never. A whole life of difficult obstacles, a whole life of surviving while helping others, a whole life of believing that hardship has a purpose and that in the end justice and goodness prevails... Right. I get the mirage that things are improving, getting better, finally surfacing to a new way... No. It is not that simple. It is not that easy. I am not meant to have anything that I want for me in this lifetime. The isolation and the obstacles are definitively wearing me down... I am so tired! Coping with so much shit, for nothing! So much effort, for nothing.

I don't blame anyone. It is my own coffin. I said yes to a stupid idea (me being happy). And ever since, it all has gone down the drain. The fairy tale has evolved showing true colors. Oh, yes, because true love conquers everything and anything... Right. Yes, we could not fathom a terminal illness... and its harsh reality... and its impact on us... Yet we dealt with it. We could not fathom another child at all, yet the little one happened. We could not fathom being all alone in a world as cold as ice... without anything to look for... We could not fathom loosing all we had, and not being able to stand again because of circumstance. How can we work when we know that our nurses are so unreliable? How can we plan anything when our lives are tied to what if's and to convincing others tht yes we truly need their help. Why should I have to do that convincing? Is it so hard to see what we have going on here everyday? Is it so hard to understand your problems are so meaningless when compared to ours, and to our decisions? Is it so hard to see we do not have a shoulder to cry on... All we have is us and God. It should be enough. The big but comes in when you have two people who are so very different and think and talk in so very different languages. And there seems no way to connect. What to do when that is also the bread and butter in your life, and it is taking a deep toll on everything you are, on everything you do?

Patience... or lack of... Understanding... or lack of... Thoughtfulness... or lack of. Caring... or lack of. Belief, or lack of... What to believe. What to think. What to do. What to breathe. Constant chocking. Constant struggle. Constant clash. I'm so sick and tired of it. Time has not made anything better. Time has consumed us more. I dream of love... of someone who would give everything for me... of someone who will keep the magic everyday at all times. Respect, devotion, inspiration... I thought my search was over... Seems I was bedazzled by an idea of what I wanted: A prince charming that showed me kindness an respect for a while... and who made me smile always... and who inspired me to shine my best. True love. How sad that it all turned into something else once he got me in his castle. The spell was broken, and here we are. Choking. There is no such thing called true love. There is only an illusion that comes from being naive and stupid. And then you fall. It's my own fault for allowing myself to believe in fairy tales... in this world.

I feel the walls closing into me, shrinking my space, breaking me. How to survive this... And the screams of everyone and everything are so loud that it reaches a point I can't hear anymore. I'm frozen. I'm in a stasis in a beautiful glass coffin... Who or what can set me free? Who or what?