1st month after the diva passed away...

I live in a house of hate. I live in a house that has only seen love in too far apart points in life... and at this moment those points are a forgotten memory. The hate that was nourished here for so many years is evident in every corner. I try to overlook the bad, but how... I love, with all my heart, and I do without expecting anything back... and it hurts that through the dark times that we are going through there is no word of solace, or gesture of support. We get all the bashing, especially while working to make things right. It is all beyond unfair... and it is not a bother, but fuels our anger even more. We have been taking all this shit for a month now... Today, the whole world celebrates Thanksgiving in harmony with friends... We celebrate our first born's first month after her burial. We look back and see a full month on which we have been solving problems, working our asses off to bring a house back from filth and unsanitary conditions... fixing, painting, cleaning... A month on which each day we face these daily events, while our hearts keep chipping away as all around us the memory of our diva is quite alive... and no one else seems to acknowledge that, or care.

Deedee... why did you left us? Why did you decide to go? Did you get that tired of people's stupidity? Did you know that Heaven held the wonders you could never have on Earth? Did He made a definitive calling that you had to obey? Not listening to your breathing at night is so painful... Being unable to read your eyes is beyond hurtful... Not having your hands to hold and caress is unbearable... My diva... My baby... Why did you bring this upon us? Why now? We had so many things to do. It was NOT time! We had to go back to Sesame Place... We had to celebrate and give thanks for a year of so many blessings! You started hippotherapy, finally! And you had the best group of therapists who believed in you around you... You were going to meet Santa again, at the Starlight event... And then we were all going to have a Potter experience and travel by train to Florida, to Disney, so you would meet Pocahontas and Mulan! Your Make a Wish trip was due. And then visiting scuba Santa at the aquarium, our tradition... My love... Why did you go now? And more important than anything, are you happy now? Are you well? Do you look over us? Are you with us, following our daily nothings and doing little silly pranks? I just want to know... I just need to know...

The hurt and emptyness is just endless. This should have not happened... She should have been with us, at least a bit longer. She was happy with us. She made things happen... She made our lives better and she loved it. What is not to miss... What was not to love... Our diva is the best thing that ever happenned to us. Her absence is just the most horrible nightmare we've ever witnessed... And on top of it all, in our family it seems only us care about it.