TRENDING...

Everyone seems to be trending in matters of being depressed... guess what, I have many reasons to be depressed and I simply have to just suck it up. I lost my daughter after battling her terminal illness for 5 years, we became homeless, and we are still struggling... And still, I wake up every morning trying to keep hope for a better world and for peace... And the idiots around me are depressed...

At work it is almost a malady. So many younglings being depressed... searching for the EMO who I am and the EMO who I want to be... Me... I am part of the original EMO group who was really dark and all that but that also needed to feed a family so got over it. Fit in, smile, and next! If you make people uncomfortable, you get nowhere. My talking about my precious Deedee makes people uncomfortable. My liking black and horror makes people uncomfortable. Gee... Gotta smile and run with the flow so people think all is weel, silence is good and no news is the best news. Unless it is all about them, of course... Then it is all very important.

In the meantime, I am Mrs. Cellophane. I am invisible... I am stuck, going nowhere, believing in faery tales and busting my ass off working for a living that simply means a roof and food... Not really living... Not really having a lovely home with a picket fence, cats and the occasional crocky. No. That is not the star I was born under... I was born under the "jodete" star. And that includes all work, no play, and being ignored by so many who claimed to love you the most or to be BFF.

I have lost my belief in so many things by now... The homeless experience showed us how and when and why to have gratitude... also showed me how people really discriminate and assume so many things. Good friends became ghosts that rather about me than say a simple hi. Best friends became casual strangers whom once in a while will Like my posts... I am beyond disbelief with my best friend of all life who managed to stay away from me when I needed her the most... And my best friend and soulmate who also managed to be absent because I am just not important enough in his life. I am angry... I am upset... I am tired... I would like explanations but none ever reach me. Life... work... the world... and everyone else who is a friend... everyone comes before me. I am the afterthought. I wish one person would put me first... I wish one person would actually show any appreciation for me. I wish I were the world for someone... Sadly, I am not. I have never been... I will never be. I lost all my efforts and details for so many years... My inconditional being there was meaningless. My purgatory was not enough to move anyone to at least give me a hug.

I am angry. I feel angry. I feel trapped. I feel my life stopped. I feel I die a slow death, surrounded by memories and not the good ones... I feel surrounded by failure, and empty promises and deceit and lies. I feel betrayed. I see now how the real world is, and it makes me sick. I see how just me is not enough to move anyone to come to me and spend a little bit of time just having coffee. And a cinnabun roll. And surullitos. And cheesecake. And cielito lindo. And steak. You all have failed this city... You all have failed me. I would leave everythings about me aside, drop everything in my hands, to come running to you no matter what... every time you needed me... every time trouble found you... everytime you needed a true friend. I look back, and who has done something remotely similar to me? I have always been the strong one, the paladyn... Who has ever fought a fight for me? Who has come to my defense while I was down? Who has dared to face me and talk to me and cry with me? No one. I face my demons alone, I face life alone. I always walk alone.

I have lost my belief in friends and family. I am tired and weary. I wish that just for once someone would make me feel special... I wish that just for once I was important enough for someone to go out of her/his way to just be there... What an alien thought and wish, just wishing for a presence!

Tired. Sad. Empty. Drained. Hopeless. Betrayed. Weary. Alone.