I know... Everyone has their own thing going on... And with time, it is a fact that my reality is no longer recalled or appreciated by those who I hold dearest. It all has been so frustrating... No matter how much I try to make things happen, to get out of the hole, to make a fresh start... It all works against us. Why? In this time and location there is a big narrowmindness of pushing you towards your group. If you don't belong to a group, yes I am talking about race, then you are pushed towards your herd. So... options for trying to make friends... zero to negative. The only "people"who visits us are the mandatory nurses and therapists... who come to do a job... very few stay because they like it... And even so, the ones you think may have tried to be friends turned out double faces... Another lesson learned... Everyone watches out for their pocket even if you are actually trying to help them... The story about the dog biting the hand that feeds him... People here are driven because of work and care not about true personal interaction. Everyone has a very selfish attitude and although may have a big mouth to critizize they actually won't give constructive ideas or suggestions, or offer real help. We are tired of people saying they'll help... then vanishing leaving us waiting for them... because we have been THAT naive... Here, dog eats dog, and we have only God as an ally... That is why we are still standing...
Getting a job will be the ultimate sacrifice. I have applied to jobs that will take me forever to get there... But we are at our last draw. That is not to say they will call me... No one calls. For a whole year I have sent out resumes diligently... with no results. We need a job so we can actually move to a better place... So we can try to start paying our personal bills, so we can actually put everything together... It all has been about Deedee, and we have done everything we can for her, but in order to actually live and improve quality of life we need a job... at least one of us... A whole year of no's have left my pride definitively broken. Being judged by my race... that has been the big joke. All because I'm from an island and everyopne assumes i'm a stupid housewife that don't know English... Yes, it's been a whole year of listening to people telling me how to make things happen, how to move my life... Oh, I should go to college... It is funny... and not. I am so tired of being put down by all these black people that actually complain so much about racism against them. WTF? They do exactly the same, especially with each other. It is funny that here my hair or my dress code is not important... But my being a latin woman that must be "dumb" by nature. And entry level jobs at retails means dealing with oversexed younglings that only want to get customers and peers numbers to score later on. That is not my ambience. That is not what I can have around me... And I cannot settle for that... I know how it feels to have everyone laughing and joking and being jolly around me, all wasting time... And me being bound by the hours I had to be there, because I need the money... trying to smile while my heart keeps shattering thinking of everything that can and has gone wrong in my absences from home... Oversexed younglings don't care a bout your baby fighting Death with every breath. And even if the bosses express concern, it is hypocritical crocodile concern. Dog eats dog. No one is a friend. It is you against the world, literally. You, alone.
All my life I have made this mistake: I have done so much for my friends... given them such a high place... would do anything for them... and have done so. Funny thing is... Where are my friends now? Do they actually remember me every day? Do they miss me as I miss them? Seems that the older people get, the more they forget that what matters is invisible to the eyes, that true friends are hard to find... and that they mean so much and yet they spurn and hurt you so much. The saddest thing is I don't think it is a matter of distance... If we placed ourselves in our house back at home... it would be even worst... Because i know that even if I had a whole house with space and filled with love, it would only be occupied by the Intrepid Trio... and noone else. No one would visit us. There are many other amazing and exciting things to do after all... What is so exciting about visiting little old Viv, married to little old Mark, with Little young Dee... That breaks my heart even more. That is the sad reality... if we were home no one will care the same as no one cares now. Out of sight, out of mind.
Most argue and ask why Steve is still in my life... Well, most should simply swallow their tongues and drop dead. Through good and bad, he has always been true as my friend. Nothing changed that. It is sad that weeks passes by, and the only one who calls because he wants to is him, every day. All the other people who claimed to be so close to me, appreciate me, care for me... where are they? And is not just people... But people I have given my heart truly and honestly, and who I miss sorely.
Sara is at the top pf the list... someone for whom I did so many things expecting nothing in return but true friendship... through so many years... I apologized so many times for things I didn't do, just because friendship was more important than anything else... And how it all ended? She won't apologize for something that was her responsability. Just an apology... Only one, in a lifetime of many things that happened that i just ignored because friendship was more important... Was it all a lie, then?
Alex... the eternal presence that is never there even if he wants to, because there is always something more important... job-related... family-related, friend-related... I know I am important in his life... It is just so ironic that I am so important I am at the bottom of his priority list. The story of our life... And I understand... don't know if he does... It just sucks. You miss me so much you wont even call me? I know I am not as entertaining as WOW... perhaps I have become too common or vulgar or too much part of the "people" clan...What people, the world may never know. It feels I am the friend in the closet, in the bottom drawer, inside the old briefcase that is surrounded by cobwebs. I may sound melodramatic, but I think I have a point. I know that the only person in the whole world that I actually feel connected to in mind and soul is Alex. He is my evil twin. He understands my line of thought, my randomness... I start a sentence, he finishes. Same sarcastic dark humor... Same love for innocense and ideals, and fantasy and dragons... But it was hard for my evil twin to go visit me in my house... even when there were dates something always came up in his "San Juan" world... I always loose with such a high competition, even if they all don't make him smile as I do. I know that around me he is truly himself, and that is what he holds so dear... I just wish that sometimes he would have actually acknowledged that yes, I was there... And yes, I was important. I'm still waiting for him to actually come over and surprise me... I truly have endless hope for evil twins...
Maria... I still don't understand the choices, the behavior, the need to be isolated and secretive and simply live with no connection whatsoever... And the mistery and drama will be all that we see or experience, as she says nothing...
And that is my long list... To die for. I never believed in many friends, just a few I can count with my fingers and trust with my life. Through the years my beliefs are still the same... But theirs... What happenned? Why the sudden change?
Two issues that make me sad every day... no job, no friends... Family? Never had one. I wanted to establish some traditions, but that idea by now is gone. Everything changed... I am on the edge of madness... I cant just get up and go... No phone calls, no visits... not even an email... or a tweet perhaps? Seems that calling just because is a sin. (sight) Here I am buried alive within 4 walls, looking at Death straight into his eyes and taking stupid classes to at least say I spoke to someone today. No home, no career, no light at the end of the tunnel... I'm trying to smile, I honestly do. It all just seem so pointless...
Growing up turns some people into empty clones... At least I know I am not empty. Growing up meant for me: The greatest love, the greatest joy, the deepest sadness, the biggest ongoing broken-heartedness that is bitter-sweet... Smile like Garrig... In all my life nothing had broken my heart as much as facing SMA. Deedee, my precious... What to do... How to fight... Strength and courage, there's already love.
How can we make our own ending, Dee? Oh, yes, we need our supporting cast. We are getting weary... It is all taking a toll...
10-4
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