Cellophane

Sad. Just sad. Extremely sad. I don't understand what has gone so wrong as to having no friends at all. I do not understand how it all changed so much... how people changed so much... and what are the reasons for simply being absent just because. I don't understand what happened with Pabon, with Sara... and more than anyone, with Alex. I don't understand why my ohone is so silent, why I don't matter in everyone's life. I died and I was left roaming the world as a ghost, feeling everything, watching everything, not being able to do more than watch and keep on being in silent. I gave time, tears and endless love being loyal to these people... How many crazy things I did for them... I did much... But their short memory entangles with their short vision that only focus on their own lives... screw me. Who cares. I am not in the island. I go on... As if I go on because I want to... As if I lived a lovely life.
I don't understand, and I know I must get to the place of just accepting and then moving on. But how can I accept... Why? I wish I could be more selfish and just close my eyes to all. But I can't. I am sad. I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I am forgotten. I am alone. I cannot say I have one friend to talk to... to call when I'm upset, to hear my daily nonsense. I don't have anything real. I have no circle, no support. I have no one to share coffee with crackers and silence.
So many changes... all of them rooted in just one event: Marrying Ant. Why? Whe people hate him so? Why people hated me for choosing him? Why? What did we do to allow people to fade in the background? Why trust and loyalty and forevers were not kept... Why? I love forever. I meant forever. And i made the biggest mistake of all: Assuming people's love was as honest and sincere and committed as mine. I believed in bonds, from childhood beyond death. I believed in the family we choose. I don't belong. I have no one missing me, or thinking of me. Yesterday a stranger took my hand and prayed for me, and gave me a big hug. A stranger. No one hugs me. What possessed this lady? And I just couldn't help but reflect on this, and cry. i don't really have a friend to take care of patting my back and tell me to stop being stupid... or just listen without prejudice. And I try reaching out... I have tried. What's the use. I have never been anyone's priority... and that's not about to change. Everyone has bigger problems and bigger concerns than little me sulking about my little life and all my failures. There is no hand extended towards me to help me out of this dark labyrinth. I keep walking on empty halls, hoping at every turn to see a friendly face... to connect with eyes and arms that are glad to see me. But... no. That will happen someday, when I get to be with my lovely Deedee and my dear Steve forever. In the meantime... roaming the empty halls chasing shadows.
I gave all I had... I have nothing left. And no one wants to take time to give anything to me, or show mercy upon my withering soul. I am tired... of living this masked life of joyless days everyday scattering magic for others and not getting even a glimmer for my own. I work on trying to reach goals... goals that are empty for me. I feel disconnected. I feel an afterthought. I feel jaded, and old... By now, I am wary of strangers, of everyone. I wish I had someone to hang out with, to shre nothings. I had everything in steve, and I was happy in my stupid little life just because he understood everything and made me feel important and was there. His death gave the final blow into my heart. It was a nailed that pierced the nail that was already in my heart because of Deedee... This wound keeps bleeding and it has no end. The rivers of blood keep flowing, my deadly silence screaming for help... Screaming to deaf ears.
Why care about those who shun me daily? Why care for those who make conscious choices against sharing their lives with me? Why even allow myself to despair on these thoughts, that hurt and kills me at all moments... for nothing... I suffer in silence and absent. No ones see me. No one cares. I am transparent. I am cellophane. I am ignored. I am a failure. I am shunned. I am forgotten.
Friends were always my survival kit. The good old times... Gilberto, Sara, Steve, Alex, Ant... even Feliu and Gabriel. Our games were epic because it was all beyond playing. We shared a connection. We shared simple raw friendship and love. We were innocent. A beautiful life... The past haunts with this glory, and I fear all I see now is this giant shadow looming over it, a shadw meaning that I was so foolish to believe it was all true. It all started with me thinking and believing in Gilberto in every way. Very naive. Very stupid. And then believing in Sara and in Alex... I dont understand. I dont understand, and I will never receive explanations. It drives me crazy that I have no closure. there;s no conversation, no resolution, no reflection... It is like it was the most important things that never happenned to me. And Everyone moves on, and I am left like Hercules, knowing everything but being unable to say anything at all because in other people's eyes, it was nothing.
The biggest nothing that ever happened to me.
 Dissapointment... anger... frustration... loose ends... shattered dreams...
I survived despite all of this, plus despite my heart and life being torn upside down inside out when Deedee departed.
I barely survived Steve's death.
I am weak. I am not ok. I wan't to scream and run and just let the worl know that I'm NOT OK. But I can't... What's the point? One stranger noticed what all the people that I still hold dear in my heart, and whom i have endless hope of coming back home like the prodigal child... what all of them ignore, dismiss and simply don't care at all.
If I died today, I would have a very sad funeral. I see only Ant and Kali in there... Maybe my elders... Maybe gamers and players. But beyond that... what an empty place.
Where is Sara, whom I have loved beyong reason throughout the years, whom I defended always and protected the best I could? Does she even remember how I cared for her kids as if they were my own? Does she remember how much I tried to help her earn freedom and mind? I was not the cool one. I was not the one who partied and did questionable things making questionable choices... yet for her I was always there... forgiving every thorn. Believingin our endless true and honest friendship...
Does Alex remember how he promised to be there forever, thick and thin? Does he remember all the songs he dedicated to me, all the stars we watched peacefully at RUM? All the white roses I sent him, all the things I did, humiliating myself, trying to atone for my big treason... an atonement that transformed into a quest that brought me through a field of ashes and heated stones? Does he remember how I murdered the woman in me for the sake of keeping the best friend alive... better be a friend than nothing at all... That much I loved him. Of course not. What is to remember. I am unimportant, just dust in the wind.
It all always comes back to them both, because I believed we had forever. I never visualized them not talking to me, not calling me, not visitng me, not being part of my life. But somehow... it is exactly what happenned. I got married, and I lost them both... Yet the one that they both wanted out of my life, steve, was the one who swallowed his pride and stick with me through thick and thin, untill his end. It is all very ironic. Life is too ironic.
I am lonely, and I'm alone. I'm dragged around by routine and by false hopes, false dreams.
Th Deedee phase in my life brough on brutal clarity. It segregated friends from foes. It was a hard lesson. And the repercussions keep rippling and resonating until today... Here and now.
I should be studying. I have a test I need to complete in two days. Yet here i am... writing this... crying... trying to make sense of so many unthinkables. Trying... Because, for real... Does any of it make sense? Is it real that true love never dies? Has all my life being a cynical illusion?Why I want to go back to a land that brings so much sorrow and bitterness from the past?
All of this... Point aside from Ant. He is all I have. Him and Kali. The two constants for now, because anything can happen. Ant has surprised me, developing the tough skin he needed. I have no complaints from or of him. Neither of Kali. This is not about them. This is about me, Vivian's world. Vivian and the people important to her... the people she would give her life for... people who dissed her in a very nonchalant way.
Angry.
Tired.
Dissapointed.
Cellophane.